Hetatober: A series of dumb one shots

Day 4: Human AU

I did it! I stole the laptop from my older brother.

"Alfred! Give that back! I've got a thesis on evolution by natural selection to finish! I swear to all that is holy, if you don't give that back, I'll bury you alive!" screeched Arthur, chasing me around the house in a desperate attempt to reclaim the family laptop.

It's not like he'll actually bury me alive anyway! I mean... I think so?

Why doesn't he just go to the school's library and use their computers instead?

He's been hogging it for hours, and I can't take it anymore! I need to talk to my friends on MSN. I miss them so much!

"Gotcha!" Arthur yelled triumphantly as he managed to grab the top of my jumper.

You really think you've got me? Do you really think I'm going down that easily? Not a chance!

I wiggled out of my sweater and escaped his grasp.

"Ha! Not today, bitch!"

"Alfred, damn you!"

I sprinted into the kitchen, where Matthew was peacefully eating pancakes. He seemed joyful, whistling his favorite country tune. Oh, I've got an idea!

"Matthew! Watch out!" I shouted, launching myself next to him and accidentally knocking over his whole plate.

I grabbed his jug of maple syrup and poured it all over the floor as I dashed into the living room.

Behind me, I heard a scream followed by a loud thud. Haha, he fell! ...But why do I still feel like I'm in danger?

I gripped the laptop tighter and slowly turned around. And there he was—the wrathful creature himself.

"...Matthew, are you alright?"

"Oh, yeah, of course... It would be silly if I was mad at you for wasting all my precious maple syrup, wouldn't it?"

Oh no... I'm in big trouble.

I vaulted over the couch just in time, narrowly dodging a punch from Matthew. People assume my brother can't get violent with his shy, calm, and reserved demeanor, but boy are they wrong! They should've seen him in his prime hockey-playing days. There were a few times he got so mad, he sent other players to the hospital.

"Alfred, get your dumb ass over here this instant!" Arthur screamed as he finally stormed into the living room.

Great. Now I've got both of them on my case... Gotta retreat, or I'll end up without a laptop—and maybe with a broken leg or two!

God damn it! They're both hot on my trail. I bolted into the closest lockable room, which turned out to be the bathroom.

"You better open this door right now!" Arthur shouted.

"God, I wish I could! It fucking stinks in here... If I had to guess... you had some Chipotle?"

"This isn't funny, Alfred! I really need to finish this paper before midnight for my natural science class! I need it to get my diploma next semester!" Arthur yelled, desperation creeping into his voice.

"Ain't my problem, biatch! Maybe if you weren't sleeping on the job, you wouldn't have made it so easy for me to steal the laptop in the first place!"

Arthur banged on the door in frustration and let out an exasperated sigh.

"Fuck, now my quickest option is to go to Francis' house and borrow his PC! He's the last person I want to see right now... God, you're so bloody annoying. I swear, the next time I see you, you are a dead man !"

I heard him storm out the front door.

Finally, some peace... I let out a sigh of relief as I leaned against the bathroom door and slowly slid down to the floor.

"Have you forgotten about me?"

Oh shit... Matthew!!

"Whenever you'll come out, I'll be waiting with a hockey stick," he said in a monotone voice, sending shivers down my spine.

Welp, guess I'm staying in here for a while...

I finally opened the laptop and checked my MSN messages. Kiku sent me something! I was overjoyed and grinned ear to ear, excited to see what my best friend had sent.

I opened the message:

It was a link to 'Peanut Butter Jelly Time' ...

So much for fighting for this laptop.

Might as well change my MSN status to 'Locked in my bathroom and soon to be dead'.