holding my last breath - a noah sebastian/nicholas ruffilo story

chapter 4 // if i'm there

The guys had started getting everything together to pack up on the tour bus, while Noah sat in his bathroom trying not to have a panic attack. Tour was starting on Friday, and they were all set to leave tomorrow morning to head to Houston, Texas for their first show. But all Noah could think about was how scared he was for himself and the baby he was carrying.

Sure, he had gotten the OK from Dr. Villanueva, but, he was still absolutely terrified inside at the prospect of something happening while he was out on stage. What if he miss-stepped off the risers, or over-exerted himself during Dethrone, and caused the baby to get hurt? Literally anything could happen during a show, and the thought of it was starting to eat him alive. How was he supposed to be a responsible father–or mother, what the fuck was he considered?–if he did this and something went wrong?

"Noah?" A voice speaks from the other side of the door, jerking Noah from his self-deprecating thoughts, "Everything okay?" He listens closer now, and he can tell it's Jolly.

"Y-yeah, I'll be out in a minute," He calls out, getting off of the bathroom floor with shaky thighs. He glances in the mirror, noticing his paled frame and grey under eyes. He flips on the faucet, splashing cold water onto his face to try and revive his skin color.

When he leaves the bathroom, he doesn't expect to see Jolly leaning against the wall waiting on him to get out. He jumps in surprise, Jolly glancing up at him from his phone and putting the device in his pocket.

"Are you sure you're okay? You were in there awhile," Jolly asks again, searching Noah's face for any signs of emotions.

Noah gives Jolly a stiff nod, swallowing thickly and doesn't meet his eyes, "Yeah, I'm fine, sorry got caught up in my own thoughts," Noah apologizes, and the shift in Jolly's demeanor tells him that the Swedish man doesn't believe him.

"You aren't being truthful and you know it, Noah," Jolly's quick to call him out, and Noah's shoulders droop in defeat.

"It's nothing, seriously Jolly. It's stupid and I'm just overthinking," Noah tries to push it aside, but Jolly's not letting up.

"If you won't talk to me, that's fine. But you've gotta talk to Nick, he sent me up here to check on you. He would've himself but he didn't want to suffocate you," Jolly admits, and Noah's heart clenches imagining Nick having to send Jolly to respect his privacy instead of himself.

Noah gives Jolly a curt nod, grateful Jolly took the hint as he turned on his heel and back outside with the guys. Noah took a shaky breath, threading a hand through his hair, his stomach turned upside down with guilt and anxiety. He heads to their bedroom to finish packing up his toiletries, knowing it needs to be done by the end of the day. He can't keep putting it off no matter how much he wishes he could. While he's packing, the thoughts gnawing at his stomach and brain won't go away, and they keep getting worse.

He doesn't realize he's having a panic attack until he feels hands on his cheeks, and Nick's voice trying to bring him back to Earth. He can feel himself shaking violently, warm tears pouring from his eyes as he struggles to catch his breath. He's kneeling on the ground, collapsed right by the shower where he was packing his shampoo. His eyes are blurred from tears, and his limbs feel like jello as he is unable to ground himself.

"Noah!" Nick cries, "Baby you've gotta calm down, you gotta breathe for me," Nick begs, his voice full of terror, "Guys!" Noah hears him call, and suddenly there's footsteps reverberating through the floor as Folio and Jolly race towards their bathroom.

"What happened–Noah?!" Folio is stopped in his tracks at the sight in front of him, Noah hunched over on his knees as he has a panic attack, his entire body convulsing from hyperventilating and shaking. He's sobbing, wails coming from his chest, and he's clawing onto Nick for dear life.