Beyond the Horizon.

Spoken Feelings.

Kaidan wasn't sure how he could get himself out of the deep hole he'd dug for himself, the previous night was burnt deep into his memories and he couldn't think of anything else. Anderson had tried to contact him, but he ignored the call and sent a quick message saying he'd call tomorrow, he couldn't face to speak behind Shepard's back after kissing him just hours ago. 

He'd walked the length of the ship a few times, mumbling to himself about what to do, but he was still stuck. Most of the crew left him alone as he wasn't in the most approachable mood. He'd decided to see the one person he thought he could speak to about it.

---

"Enter," Thane calls when he hears the light knock at his door. He turns from his seat at the small table and smiles when Kaidan walks in. "Commander, what can I do for you?" he asks.

Kaidan grimaced at his title being used, being the same rank as Shepard didn't feel right to him. "Kaidan, please," he says quietly. Thane nods and motions for Kaidan to sit across from him. "I'd hoped to get your advice?" 

Thane looked him over slightly, his nose twitching. "Is this about Commander Shepard?" Kaidan raised his brows at him, not thinking anyone would know. Thane could see his surprise and elaborated on it. "Drell has a perfect sense of smell, you both smelt of each other this morning." 

Kaidan could only groan in response, thinking if Thane could smell it, that meant Garrus and probably Grunt could also. "Great, I... it's not what you think." 

Thane raises his hands, shaking his head. "That is your business, Kaidan. I do not have any thought on the subject of you and Shepard." 

"I," he pauses. Thane could see the shame on his face, he was hanging low and carried himself with no pride. "We didn't..." 

"You did not engage in sexual manners?" Kaidan grimaced even further, regretting even coming to Thane. "Why don't you tell me what happened, Kaidan?"

Kaidan finally met his steady gaze, nodding as he tucked his chair in further. "We only kissed... I kissed him. We fell asleep and I snuck off this morning not remembering what happened until I was showering." Thane nods along to words, understanding more clearly.

"And you regret that action?" Kaidan quickly shakes his head, brows furrowing deeply.

"God, no. I had thought about doing that for a long time, but he's... my Commander. Fatranization is very strict in the Alliance." Thane rubbed his chin, knowing the rules of the Alliance could be as strict as his Compact ones, relationships were usually forbidden unless asked for dismissal to pursue one. 

"Is this the reason neither of you truly spoke of your feelings back on the previous Normandy?" Kaidan dropped his mouth open.

"How did you?" Thane held his hand up to stop him.

"As I said before, Drell have a perfect sense of smell. I can smell the desire you and the Commander have for each other." Kaidan was glad he couldn't smell that, he'd feel even more flustered in front of Shepard than he already was. "You both have the same smell when either of you are in a room or your names are spoken." 

"You know that from just smelling us?" Thane shook his hand from side to side in a 'sort of' motion.

"In a way, I can also see bodily changes. You both breathe with shallowness and your pupils become dilated. Commander Shepard also gets sweaty palms, I can see the glint on his fingers when he speaks to you." Kaidan sat back, slumping into his seat. He guessed with a slight pinch of hope that Shepard felt the same way, but he was too scared to accept the assumption.

"I wanted to... before he died. I tried so many times to tell him my feelings but I couldn't face the possibility of rejection." Thane understood his feelings, he had been in the same position himself. 

Thane looks down at the table, thinking before he decides to share his story.  "I was once married." Kaidan looked up in surprise, allowing him to continue. "Irikah was her name, she was what my people call a Siha. I was hunting a target and had him in my scopes." He pauses for a moment as the memory fully consumes him. "laser dot trembles on his skull. One finger twitch, he dies. The smell of spice on the spring wind. Sunset-colored eyes defiant in the scope. The laser dances away." 

"You okay?" Kaidan asks with worry when Thane sits rigidly in his chair and stops blinking.

"I apologise, I can slip into memories from time to time. That was Irikah, she saw my targeting laser and threw herself in front of my target." That memory was one he recalled often, it was a difficult one to bury in his past.

"So how did she go from saving a stranger to being your wife?" Thane smirked to himself, he'd somehow wondered as well.

"I had to meet her after that, the memory devoured me. I fell to my knees and begged her forgiveness and she forgave me with the promise I would let her show me the world outside my work." Thane remembered the trips they went on together, Thane began giving up contracts just to be with with Irikah. 

"Did the Hanar like you falling in love?" Kaidan asks, Thane swallows back a lump.

"Not exactly. I was their best weapon and I wanted to leave to be with her. They allowed it, however, I soon wanted to go back." Kaidan raised his surprise as to why would he want to do that, Thane continued. "I tried to take menial work, but I had no skills outside killing. We had a son so I returned back to my previous work as a freelancer. I... left home for a long time." 

"You said her name was... did she?" Thane nods once, and Kaidan drops his shoulders with a deep sigh.

"My enemies paid the Shadow Broker to get information on me. They went after my wife and son as they were too scared to face me. Irikah died protecting Kolyat." Kaidan wanted to give Thane a long hug, he never expected Thane to carry such a big burden and still be a sane man for it. That personally would have destroyed him.

"I'm so sorry, Thane." The Drell shakes his hand at his words of pity, he didn't need nor want them. The thought was appreciated but he didn't care for it. 

"I... don't pity me, please. I had a point to this, Kaidan. My biggest regret was waiting, both to fall in love and to return home. Don't make my mistake. You and the Commander have a hard life and tomorrow could be the last. I give you this as advice: Don't waste it." Kaidan sat forward, hand going to his chin as he nodded. Thane was right, he couldn't keep waiting and hoped life would figure it out for him. He needed to figure this out for himself.

"Thank you, Thane. You really have helped me." Thane curtly nodded and wished Kaidan a good day, he wanted to return to his meditations. Kaidan left the Life Support room and decided to try to form his friendship back with Shepard and then tell him how he truly felt, he had to do it before it was too late.