Beyond the Horizon.

Building Bridges.

With shore leave done and a list as long as his arm, Shepard had decided it was time to get personal issues sorted for each crew member. Samara was grieving the death of her daughter, Morinth. Shepard had aided her in hunting her down so she could end the life of suffering her daughter had caused for thousands. 

As a Justicar it was her code compelling her to do it, but as a mother, she was broken. She did have two more daughters, but they lived a life of seclusion so they would not one day follow in their older sisters' footsteps. She had thanked Shepard for his help and wished to be alone to grieve as any mother should, Shepard respected that and ordered Joker straight to Illium so he could help Miranda save her sister from their overcontrolling and obsessive father. 

Kaidan had given Shepard the space he needed, he knew his previous actions were unacceptable and after speaking with Thane, he'd decided to start again and try to build some foundation of friendship between them both.

Shepard had kept himself out of sight in his cabin, not in the mood to see anyone. Garrus had asked if he was okay, he got a short answer in return and Shepard pardoned himself. Garrus knew that attitude was one you didn't press with Shepard, it was safer to leave him be. 

Kaidan had talked himself up and down for around two hours until he was finally outside Shepard's cabin, knocking lightly on the door. "Go away, Garrus. I said I'm fine," his rough voice calls. 

Kaidan shook his head, "It's me, John," he says. There was silence for a moment before some rummaging on his desk as the door hisses open.

"What do you want, Kaidan?" he asks with hooded eyes. Kaidan looks him over; he seems tired and drained. Life is emitting from him as it slowly fades away. 

"Hello to you too," he says with a light chuckle, trying to lift the negative mood. Shepard doesn't bite, he turns away from him waking back into his cabin, but leaving the door open behind him. Kaidan takes that as a welcome and walks in. His eyes instantly pan to the desk, trying to see what he was rushing to hide when the door was closed. He could only see a drawer that was open slightly, not open enough to see what it was. 

"I thought you were acting as if I never existed?" Shepard bluntly asks as he slumps into the corner of his couch. Kaidan takes a seat further away, seeing distance as the safer option for now.

Kaidan drops his head low in submission, offering it as a start of his apology. "I was an ass, John. I'm sorry for sneaking off and acting like that in front of the crew." He looks over at him, Shepard is listening but seems lost in thought at the same time. He continues. "I couldn't remember what happened until I'd snuck off, waking up next to you was a surprise and I reacted badly to it." 

Shepard sits back, sighing to himself as he nods with a blank stare. Kaidan couldn't tell if he was still angry or just didn't care to listen. "Thank you," he quietly says. Kaidan raises a brow, wondering if that was it or if the repercussions were going to follow. 

"I was expecting at least some shouting, you're freaking me out, Shepard." John snickers at him, closing his eyes as he shakes his head. Kaidan still felt stiff and couldn't understand what emotion Shepard was giving.

"I forgive you, Kaidan. I shouldn't be surprised you snuck off, falling asleep in your Commander's bed isn't exactly normal." Kaidan let out the breath he'd been holding, letting his shoulders drop to relax. "Is that the reason you came up?" Kaidan looks at him, shaking his head quickly in response.

He wasn't sure why he came up, to begin with, he gave himself a thousand different reasons why. He wanted to proclaim himself to Shepard but knew that was the wrong decision. He wanted to become the best friends they once were but knew the years apart had caused a drift between them. His real reason was clouded by many others and he couldn't decide. 

"I... I wanted to just talk as we used to. Talk about life, past or future. Whatever you want." He was half expecting Shepard to say no and kick him out, but the Commander smiled at him, nodding with enthusiasm to do what he'd suggested. 

Shepard looked down at the coffee table, thinking about what he may want to talk about. He did have questions and hoped Kaidan was open to answering them. "Could you answer me something?" Kaidan moves further up the couch, nodding with eagerness to begin their slow bonding. "How did my death affect you?" 

Kaidans smile quickly vanished and was replaced with a dark cloud forming over his head. That question went deep into feelings he fought hard to bury. Shepard was about to say it doesn't matter but Kaidan waved his hand as if he knew that was going to be his next set of words. 

"Sorry, it just caught me off guard," he says as he sits back and lets out a steady breath. "To be truthful. I can't put it into words, it was like I lost my limbs when I opened that escape pod and only Joker was in it." 

"What about after? Anderson said there was a memorial and all the crew were there." Kaidan remembered that day, it heavily rained, as if the heavens knew the sunshine was not good enough for the Normandy crew to grieve their Commander. 

"Yeah, everyone was there. Joker had blamed himself and it took a long time and convincing from us all for him to finally accept it wasn't. We all stood close together, we'd not only lost you but also our home. The Normandy was the one place we all could be together and call our home and mismatched family." Kaidan remembered seeing Liara and Tali crying together, Garrus comforted them whilst Wrex was eerily quiet, the Krogan didn't speak a word to anyone. They all knew Shepard's death had hit him hard and if he did speak it would be in pure anger and Krogan rage. 

Shepard gulped back the lump in his throat, he loathed himself for dying and leaving the crew to fend for themselves, but the circumstances had already happened and he couldn't change the past. 

"What will you do once we have defeated the Collectors?" Kaidan asks, snapping him from his wandering thoughts. 

Shepard scratched his chin, he hadn't thought that far ahead. He just wanted to survive each day as it was. "I don't know. I'm a Spectre again so if the Alliance doesn't accept me back... I could always work with them." 

Kaidan snorted at him, he even knew Shepard wouldn't last a week working for the Council, they drove him crazy as it was. "Be realistic, Shep," he laughs. 

"Yeah. I don't know why I even said that." Shepard chuckled along, the atmosphere between them becoming lighter, he'd missed these moments they had together. 

"The Alliance would have you back, Anderson and Hackett would make sure of that," Kaidan says with confidence. Shepard knew he was right, Anderson and Hackett always fought his corner against anyone questioning his choices and actions. 

"You're right. I would want to go back to familiar ground, and fight alongside you again." Kaidan smiled at him. Somehow during their light conversation, they'd both moved closer, their bodies moving without their brain telling it to do so. "I... I have missed having you around, Kaidan. It's not been the same with you." 

Kaidan felt too close to him before one of them would do something. He clears his throat and pats Shepard on his shoulder. "Me too, Shepard. I'm glad I joined when I did." 

Shepard seemed to shift in himself, he felt sad Kaidan had moved away from him, now standing up and looking around the cabin. He didn't want that, he wanted Kaidan to be in his arms. "Want to grab some food?" he asks causing Shepard to snap his head up to him. "You okay?" he adds with furrowed brows.

Shepard smiles, slapping his hands on his knees as he gets up. "Yup, just thinking. Let's eat," happily says as he heads for the lift. 

Inside he was drowning, he wanted Kaidan badly. The time apart had made him realise just how much he missed the company and closeness. If he'd not died two years ago, he was confident he and Kaidan would be together. He hated himself for dying and leaving Kaidan behind like he did, it broke his heart to know he had suffered so much. 

Their time together was lost, but Shepard was damned sure he wouldn't allow it to happen again. He couldn't emotionally survive knowing Kaidan wasn't by his side, fighting alongside him where he'd always belonged.