What It Cost

2-Noah

"Lilly's on her way." Nicholas dropped down in the chair next to him.

Noah's heart sank into his stomach. Five years of successfully staying out of her way was about to go to shit. At first he'd done it to make it easier on her. Or so he told himself. But after five years, he had to admit it was because he was nothing but a coward, too scared to face the worst mistake he'd ever made. Hurting her. He could still see the look on her face when he'd come home that morning.

The way those brilliant blue eyes of hers, bloodshot from lack of sleep and undoubtedly hours of crying, tracked his movements as he quietly went up the stairs to take a shower. The pain etched on her face. He'd never seen her so fragile. He'd left the shower and gone downstairs, ready for her anger. Ready for the fight that he was sure was going to happen after what he'd done. Instead he'd gone down just in time to watch her pull out of the driveway. No yelling. No screaming. No crying. She just left. And he did nothing to try to stop her. He knew what he had done. The final nail in the coffin.

"I should leave. I'm not needed here."

"Stop being a fucking coward. I love you, man. But you can't run from what you did forever. Been sober for three years now and you're still too chicken shit to face her."

Ouch. He was right, but ouch. Noah had made amends with everyone he had hurt during those years he had tried to drink himself to death. But the thought of facing her fucking terrified him. Before that last year he had been sure he was going to marry her someday. Shit, even during that last year of their relationship he had been sure of it. Up until he just kept fucking it up more and more, too chicken shit to face his own demons like a grownup.

"Does she know I'm here?"

"Yes. We all promised to keep you away from her unless she wants to speak to you."

Noah grimaced. Sure, he had known deep down that they all kept in contact with her. She was like everyone's little sister. He didn't expect them to just drop out of her life, or her theirs. She'd known all but Nicholas longer than he'd known them, anyway. That didn't stop him from feeling a little hurt by them keeping it from him for so long, though. They could have been honest with him. He knew he had fucked up. He had known the second he let another woman hang all over him that night. Knew as soon as he followed her out the door instead of going straight home to the woman that had moved all the way across the country with him. Bought a house with him.

The door opened and his breath caught in his throat, his heart beginning to hammer in his chest. Palms sweaty he looked up, leg starting to bounce anxiously. There she stood, Jolly wrapping her up in a tight hug. Time seemed to stand still as she turned towards him, her impossibly blue eyes locking on his. No anger. No hatred. Not even a hint of an emotion in them. Just blank. Fuck.

***

Noah shifted uncomfortably, trying his best not to stare at her. Everyone was gathered in the backyard, a fire in the pit, sharing stories of Danny. All evening he had avoided being near her, though everything in him begged to touch her. It was enough to slowly drive him insane. All he wanted was to sit next to her. Hold her hand. Shit, just hold her. To hear her say his name again. But he couldn't do that anymore. He had given up that right.

Lilith's laugh filtered through everything else, and he was sure he was going to pass out right there where he sat, directly across the fire from her. Instead he took a sip of his water, if for nothing else other than a distraction.

"Noah, you have to finish telling them. I can't." Lilith interrupted his thoughts, her laughter echoing in his head. She spoke to him? Said his name? Oh, fuck.

"Jolly asked how she got the Thumbelina nickname," Nicholas whispered, knowing he had been too caught up in his head to know.

Noah smirked, remembering Danny telling him about this story on the phone that day.

"Danny stopped by when we were on tour to check in on her, like I had asked. Apparently she was too caught up in planting those flowers right back there," he gestured towards the flower bush she had planted all those years ago. "And when he said hi she threw one of the bushes at him, thinking he was an intruder." Noah couldn't help but join her in her laughter at the memory. "Danny dubbed her Thumbelina from that moment on."

Noah met her eyes from across the fire as they laughed together, and suddenly everything felt somewhat okay. There was joy back in her eyes, etched across her face. Her smile took over her face, breathing life back into her. He may not be the cause of it, but it was a sight he thought he'd never see again.

"Wait. I thought Noah gave you that nickname. Who started calling you Bambi?" Jolly interjected.

Noah choked on his water, sputtering at the nickname he had always called her. That was one of his favorite memories, though rather private. And not a story he was keen on telling without her permission. The way she had insisted that she didn't need him to help her up after the first time they'd had sex. How she had stumbled and flipped him off the second he said "You sure about that, Bambi?"

Lilith laughed. A full on genuine laugh that came from her toes. God, he had missed that sound. He had missed the way she never held back her true laugh. The way she laughed with every fiber of her being.

Jolly looked between the two of them, her unable to control her laughter, him hiding his face the best he could. Noah watched as realization set into his friends features, and quickly avoided eye contact with him.

"Awe, man! What the fuck?"

Noah couldn't hold back his own laughter anymore, joining Lilith. Jesus Christ, he had missed this. Missed her.