What It Cost

4-Lilith

"Lilly, baby-"

"You don't get to call me that anymore." She interrupted, taking another step back.

She never should have gone to that dinner, knowing he would be there. Everything had been just fine until last night. Sure, she definitely still had some damage to deal with, but she would handle that. Now, here she was, Noah standing in her kitchen, looking like he was crawling out of his skin just being there. Her phone continued to go off, this time with texts and a couple missed phone calls. Why the fuck had she gone to that dinner?

"Lilly, ignore it. It's being handled." He pleaded with her, taking a tentative step towards her.

"Why are you here, Noah?" Her voice shook, everything she was holding back threatening to burst forth.

Noah stopped, his impossibly dark eyes frozen on hers. Lilly watched the silent battle he waged with himself, his mouth opening and closing at each attempt to speak.

"I'm sorry." He sighed, taking another tentative step toward her. "For five years I've thought about what I would say if I ever saw you again, and it all just sounds like bullshit. I don't know what else to say. Just that I'm sorry."

Lilith laughed, unamused. The apology she'd been waiting on, and it rang hollow in her ears when she finally got it. All this time and all he could say was sorry? What the actual fuck? Rage bubbled inside her, drying her tears.

"Fuck you, Noah. Fuck you and your stupid fucking apology." Lilith sniffed, another hollow laugh bursting out of her. "You're fucking sorry?"

Noah flinched, but kept his eyes trained on hers. Swirling in them was an emotion she didn't think she had ever seen before. Shame. But it was mixed with something else she couldn't quite put her finger on. What was he playing at here? And why now?

"What the fuck do you really want, Noah? Why are you really here?" She spat.

"Lilly-"

"Seriously. Five fucking years and you show up here with that bullshit?"

Lilith watched as he rubbed at his chest, his anxiety spiking. What did he think was going to happen? That she would just say all was forgiven and everything would be fine? None of this made any goddamn sense to her. Noah didn't just apologize like this. This wasn't how Noah did things. He always implied he was sorry, something she should have recognized well before things got where they had.

"Noah-"

"I have spent every goddamn day of the last five years wishing I could go back and fix it. That I could just go back in time and never do any of the shit that I did." He interrupted, a single tear slipping down his cheek. "But I can't and I fucking hate myself for what I did to you. None of this, the success, the fame, mean a goddamn thing when at the end of the day, you're not fucking home, Lilly. You're not home and I did that, and I can't fucking fix it."

Right before her she watched him crumble. Lilith watched as he dropped to his knees, clutching his chest, his breath coming in short spurts. She didn't know what to do. He had always been so calm unless he was yelling. So stoic. Now here he was, on his knees on her kitchen floor, unable to keep up the facade any longer. And as angry as she was, her heart hurt for him. It felt like it was shattering to pieces right inside of her chest and she couldn't stop it.

"I can't fucking fix it, Lilly. And I'm sorry. I'm fucking sorry."

Trembling she approached him, reaching for her phone. Never before had she seen him like this, and she was helpless. What was she supposed to do here? What was she supposed to say? Should she even say anything? Do anything? Tears blurred her vision as she dialed Jolly's number, glancing up to see Sadie stepping back into the kitchen, eyes wide at the scene in front of her.

"What's happenin', Thumbelina?" Jolly's voice cut through the panic.

"Jolly? Come quick. He's snapped."

She didn't bother to wait for a response before she hung up, tossing her phone on the floor next to her. Swallowing the lump in her throat she did the one thing she could think of. Slowly, still shaking like a leaf, she dropped down in front of him, throwing her arms around him and squeezing as tightly as she could. If she were to be honest with herself she needed it just as much as he did. Something to keep her grounded and together.

"Noah?" She asked, her voice barely above a whisper. "Breathe, okay? Just breathe. Please. Sadie? Water, please?"

"Yeah. On it."

Lilith sat back on her heels a bit, taking his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. His dark eyes were unfocused, looking everywhere but at her. As angry as she was, she didn't want him feeling like this. Because as much as she shouldn't, she still cared. And seeing him like this absolutely terrified her.

"It's gonna be okay, Noah. Jolly's on his way. He'll be here soon, okay?"

Sadie's hand appeared, holding a glass of water. Grateful she took it from her, offering it to him. When he didn't respond, she set it next to them, wrapping her arms around him again. This time she scooted closer, practically crawling into his lap, burying her face against his neck. If nothing else she could do this, even if it felt a little too much like coming home to be this close to him. She could bury that deep down later.

Noah's impossibly long arms slowly slid around her, crushing her against himself. Lilith squeezed tighter, praying Jolly got there soon. This was far too comfortable, and the realization that she could easily fall right back into him was more terrifying than anything.

"I'm sorry, Lilly. I'm so fucking sorry." He muttered, his breathing finally starting to slow down.

Jesus, fuck.