What It Cost

7-Noah

He sat there on the same tan couch he'd sat on every week for three years, fiddling with the same zen garden he'd spent fiddled with weekly for those same three years. Him and Lilly had texted a bit since he had dropped by to talk to her a few days prior. Normal stuff. Random check ins. Before he'd come here she'd actually sent him a ridiculous meme about it being chilly outside and there being an actual bowl of chili sitting outside. Noah chuckled, completely missing what his therapist had said.

"What's so funny, Noah?" she questioned, her brow arched slightly in amusement.

"It's nothing. What were you saying?" He swallowed, trying his best to keep his focus on his session.

"You said you finally talked to her? Apologized?"

"Yeah. Yeah." He nodded, his mind drifting again. Lilly had sat there, listening, crying. God, he hated seeing her cry.

All he'd wanted to do was hold her and promise her everything was going to be okay. That she was going to be okay. While he hadn't been able to do that, he was determined to make sure she would be okay. Part of that was the promise that they would at least keep in touch. Her idea, really. One he couldn't say no to, even though he probably should have. But God, he was selfish. Anything to have her back in his life, in any capacity.

"And? How's that going?"

"Honestly, good. She's at least talking to me again." Noah sighed, leaning back against the couch. "I just want her to be okay. And I think there's still a lot she wants to say but is holding back."

He didn't just think he knew. The way she had looked at him as he spoke. How she tried so hard to hide her tears. He could see it in the way she would start to speak, then change her mind. Noah had spent years learning to read her, and he had done it well. Shit, he had tried to encourage her to speak her mind, not to fall back into old patterns with him. Instead she had told him to keep in touch, and that she was glad he was sober.

"How are you feeling about all of this?"

"Fucking terrified, dude. What-" he paused, collecting his thoughts. "What if I just break her more?"

"Sometimes, Noah, we can't control the outcome of a situation."

Deep down he knew and understood that. But, God, he hated it. Just like he knew deep down that he should just leave her be now that he had finally apologized and took ownership of what he had done to her. He should just walk away and let her live in peace. Let her heal.

"I don't want to hurt her again," he admitted, his voice cracking on the last syllable. "But I'm selfish and I don't want to let her go again."

***

Noah couldn't help but smile as he drove down the road, Lilly in the passenger seat. He had let her pick the music, and good God, had he missed listening to her shout the lyrics to her favorite songs in the car with him. Right now she had him blasting the Ghostbuster's theme song, windows down, as she sang and danced next to him.

After his appointment he had, against his better judgment, decided on picking her up for a last minute hike up to their favorite spot. Rather, it was her favorite place. Somewhere up above the city, where she could sit and look out at everything and just breathe. And after that therapy session, that was exactly what he needed. Somewhere he could just breathe. Bonus points, and utterly selfish of him, to bring her with. But maybe out there she would feel a little freer. Hopefully, free enough to really speak her mind. Even now, having fun, he could see her holding back. Not that he could blame her, per se. He wouldn't trust him, either.

"Runyon Canyon?" Lilith let out a nervous laugh. "Haven't been in a while."

"Really? You used to bug me all the time about coming up here." He glanced over at her, seeing the tension in her shoulders. "We can do Escondido Falls or Santiago Oaks, if you prefer."

"No. No. It's fine. It'll be nice to just go look out over the city again."

"Bambi, look at me," he pleaded, putting the car in park.

Big mistake. The second she looked at him, her eyes slightly wider than normal, filled so full of anxiety he was surprised she wasn't in a full blown anxiety attack, all he wanted was to pull her into his lap and make it all go away. Instead he settled for reaching out and taking her hand, shocked when she gripped it tightly in her own.

"It's fine, Noah. I just haven't been out here since..." she trailed off, looking away from him.

"Like I said, Lilly. We don't have to hike Runyon Canyon. We can go literally anywhere else."

Fuck. He hadn't meant to take her somewhere that could be painful for her. Another reminder of what he had done to her. What he had taken from her. She had been so confident before he had come along. All trace of that was gone now. Sure, he had seen some glimmers here and there, but the doubt always seemed to creep right back in. Like when she had yelled at him in her kitchen nearly two weeks ago. Every time she had yelled, nearly immediately he had watched the confidence fade again.

"Noah. Don't treat me like that. Feel bad all you want, and you fucking should, but don't treat me like I'm made of fucking glass."

"There she is again," he chuckled, squeezing her hand briefly. This time the confidence and determination in her bright blues didn't fade. It stayed there, as though she had already fought some secret battle in her head and had made her choice.

"We doing this hike or what?" She challenged, pulling her hand from his and getting out of the car.

Even if it only lasted a moment, he would take it. Anything to see her back again.