ALMOST THERE

CHAPTER 26: You don't deserve it...

Phir Mohabbat - Arijit Singh
🌬️🍂📖🌧️

That night, I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling, replaying the conversation with Maa over and over again in my head. The weight of her words had settled in, heavy and suffocating. The warmth I'd felt earlier, that brief glimpse of something lighter, freer-it was all gone.

I turned over, pressing my cheek into the pillow, hoping that sleep would come and take me away from all this mess. But my mind was too loud, too full of everything I was trying to push down.

All the happenings of the day that led to those small moments of happiness which made me feel like I was worth something-it kept flashing in my mind, despite my best efforts to ignore it.

But there was no room for that.

Not anymore.

Maa's voice echoed in my head:

Don't let anyone distract you.

You can't afford distractions.

She said it like caring, like letting yourself feel anything other than ambition, was a weakness.

But....maybe it was.

Maybe she was right, dang she always is and I was the one being stupid for letting myself feel so much. For letting him or his closeness mean something to me.

I hated it.

I hated how much I cared. I hated that I wasn't like her-cold, distant, untouchable.

My phone buzzed on the nightstand, and I reached for it, expecting some pointless school group message, over-exaggerating on how immensely beautiful the day was, to state the obvious. Instead, I saw a single text from Tejal:

"U okay?"

"Yup, never been better."

As ironic as it sounds, there's no better way of feigning happiness other than sarcasm. Sometimes you just gotta hit them with the complex vocabulary so they don't notice your complex mess of emotions.

"Saysha Fahaad." Use of real name equals trouble. Use of full real name means doom. And just like that, my dearest friend just leaked through my ironclad coping mechanism.

My fingers hovered over the keys, unsure of what to type and what not to. How much could I actually say without sounding like a pathetic arse who gets bothered over the least of problems?

Before I could even start, another text from her slips into the screen.

"Aunty, isn't it?"

She knew me too well.

I stared at the screen for a second, my fingers hovering over the keyboard. I didn't want to admit that I was hurt, that Maa's words had broken something inside me. But with Tejal, there was no point in pretending. She'd see through it anyway.

"Yeah. You know how it is," I typed back, keeping it vague. I wasn't in the mood to explain.

A few moments later, my phone buzzed again.

"See, I don't know what she said but just remember she wants nothing but the best for you. Even though her way of conveyance might be harsh, deep down you know she's right...in one way or the other."

I swallowed hard, swallowing the painful lump throbbing at the base of my throat. She always knew when to say the right thing, when to remind me that I wasn't as alone as I thought I was all the time.

But it was easier said than done.

I couldn't just shake off my maa's words like some dust on my sleeve. I knew what would come next. The words will cling to my head, pull me down, block my air force and suffocate me for feeling more than necessary.

For wanting to feel good about myself, even though there wasn't anything to feel good about in the first place.

I didn't reply to Tejal. I couldn't. What was I supposed to say?

That I wanted to believe her, but I didn't?

That deep down, I knew Maa is right?

That no matter how much I tried faking happiness, a part of me knew I didn't deserve any of it?

I turned over again, burying my face in the pillow, trying to will myself to stop thinking. But all I could think or feel is Shahaan's warmth that still lingered in my senses.

The way my heart had raced in a way that both terrified and thrilled me. How my body ached for this touch, for his warmth, for anything that had his name laced with it.

It's all a mirage.

A distraction.

You don't deserve it, Saysha.

Just as I was about to set my phone down, another buzz.

It was Shahaan.

"Shehzadi, you still mad?"

I stared at the screen, my heart doing that stupid fluttering thing again. It was such a simple message, teasing as always, but somehow it cut through the noise.

I wanted to reply, to tell him I wasn't mad-at least, not in the way he probably thought. But I stopped myself. I couldn't.

I wasn't supposed to care this much. Not when my own mother told me happiness was a distraction.

But even then, I could feel his presence in my mind, lingering, making me question everything.

How in the whole earth shattering sense could a single text make me feel like this? A text from a guy? A category of humans I barely paid any heed to?

My fingers hovered over the keys. I wanted to tell him something, anything. Just blabbering nonsense to him made me feel lighter than any amount of therapy sessions ever could. He had his roots grown that deep within my core.

But instead, I sighed, typing a short "Nope." and placed my phone on the nightstand, knowing that whatever I felt for him, I had to keep it buried, deep beneath the weight of expectations I didn't ask for.

Somewhere I wouldn't be able to reach. Even if I was dying to.

Tomorrow would be another day. Another battle. And for now, I had to fight this alone.