COTE: The Best Version of Me

Chapter 9 - Judgments

Silence filled the classroom, and I, as usual, calmly observed, processing every detail. Chabashira-sensei's firm voice echoed in my ears as she introduced us to the special exam, my mind began to lose itself in that word, unraveling everything I had learned about the concept.

Judgment

This word echoed in my mind, resonating with an unusual weight. An examination based on judgment... The very idea carried a complexity and scope that seems simple and harmless, but which can bring a series of challenges for each of them.

Judging is something we all do, consciously or unconsciously, at almost every moment of our lives. It is the way we evaluate situations, people, and actions. We do this constantly, often without realizing it. From trivial things like choosing what to wear in the morning to complex decisions that can shape our future. But judging is much more than just choosing between right and wrong, or deciding who is more fit. It involves a series of invisible factors, often driven by personal experiences, emotions, prejudices, and assumptions. And that is where the danger lies.

Judging is always a two-sided action. On one hand, you evaluate, with as much objectivity as possible, trying to be fair. But on the other, judgment is also a window into the imperfections of the human mind, into the mistakes we make by not seeing the whole picture.

It is more than a simple verdict about right or wrong. It is an act of perception, an analysis that requires honesty, discernment and an open mind. To truly judge someone or yourself is to strip away illusions, prejudices and the comfort of believing in a single truth. It is to see what is ahead with clarity, accepting both the good and the bad without hesitation.

"This special exam," Chabashira-sensei began, drawing the class's attention, "will be divided into three stages. The first stage will require you to judge yourselves. The next two steps will be explained later, after the first step is completed. I won't repeat the explanation, so listen carefully."

Judging yourself? It may seem easy, but it is actually a more difficult task than it seems. Most people prefer to avoid this type of self-reflection. It is not easy to face our own flaws, mistakes and insecurities objectively.

Self-judgment... is the act of stripping ourselves of all the illusions we have built up over time. It requires courage to look within and see who we really are, not who we wish to be or what we want to see. However, the human mind is skilled at protecting itself, at creating justifications and masks to hide that which causes us discomfort.

I looked around the room. How many people here could possibly go through this? Most people avoid confronting their own flaws. Pride, vanity, and the fear of seeing themselves as they really are make it difficult to honestly self-criticize. I can clearly see some of them worrying. Even Kushida had an expression I wasn't expecting from her. It wasn't for a moment, but I could see an expression of shock on her face.

Judging yourself requires more than introspection. It requires vulnerability. After all, it's not just about who we believe we are, but also about who we deny we are.

The inner voice that criticizes our actions and choices can be one of the harshest we face. This self-judgment, often fueled by external comparisons and unrealistic expectations, can be devastating to our mental and emotional well-being. It often prevents us from taking risks, accepting our mistakes, and most importantly, forgiving ourselves for our shortcomings. 

There is a duality to self-judgment. On the one hand, it can serve as a tool for constructive self-criticism, helping us identify areas for improvement and growth. On the other hand, when taken to the extreme, it can turn into a cycle of self-sabotage, where we constantly see ourselves as inadequate and unable to meet the expectations of both ourselves and others.