I fucking ruined everything. Like, what the hell was I thinking? Of all the things to say, I had to drop that bomb on him. I mean, who does that? I’m sitting there, watching highlights with the one person I can actually stand to be around, and I just blurt out that I love him? Seriously?
God, I’m such an idiot. I saw the look on Isiah’s face when I said it. He went all quiet and stiff, like he didn’t know what to do with it. I wouldn’t know what to do either. Like, imagine your best friend just randomly confessing that they’re in love with you. I should’ve kept my mouth shut. Just smiled, laughed it off, kept pretending like everything was cool.
But no, of course not. I had to ruin it. I had to open my mouth and spill my guts. What was I expecting? That he’d just be like, “Oh, that’s cool, I love you too, bro”? Yeah right. I probably freaked him out. I could see it in his eyes—confusion, maybe even a little bit of fear. I don’t blame him. If I were him, I’d be looking at me like I was crazy too.
And then... and then he asks me how long. Like, how long have I been feeling this? How long have I been sitting on this ticking time bomb, waiting for the perfect moment to destroy everything?
Since forever, man. That’s what I should’ve said. Since the day we met, probably. But I couldn’t get the words out. All I managed to do was mumble something about the NFL, like that was supposed to make sense. How do you even explain feelings like this? How do I tell him that every time he smiles at me, it’s like my brain short circuits? That every time he’s around, I feel like I can actually breathe?
But nah, I couldn’t say any of that. I just sat there, waiting for the inevitable awkwardness to swallow me whole. And then he touched my shoulder, and I thought, maybe—just maybe—it wasn’t over. That maybe I didn’t completely wreck everything.
But does he really mean it? When he said, "I love you too," was it like... real? Or was it some kind of pity thing? Like, he felt bad for me, so he said it to make me feel better? I don’t even know anymore. I’m second-guessing every word, every look. Does he actually love me, or was he just saying that because he didn’t know how to let me down easy?
I don’t even trust my own feelings half the time, so how the hell am I supposed to trust his?
Maybe I imagined it. Maybe I’m so desperate for someone to actually care that I twisted his words into something they’re not. I’m just waiting for him to wake up and realize he made a mistake. That he doesn’t want this, that he doesn’t want me. It’s always like this—good things happen, and I just wait for them to crash and burn.
And now I’m stuck. I can’t take it back. It’s out there, hanging in the air between us, and I don’t know what to do next. He’s everything to me, but what if I’m just... too much for him? What if this screws up everything? What if he’s thinking about it right now, realizing I’m not worth it?
I can’t stop replaying the whole thing in my head. Every single word, every single look. I can’t get out of this loop. Does he really love me, or did I just screw up the only good thing I had?
