I found this notebook buried under all my old stuff today. I wasn’t even really looking for it, just something that would make me feel close to you, maybe. I don’t know... maybe I thought I’d find a clue, something you’d left behind that could explain everything. But then I opened it, and I saw your handwriting, and my heart just…dropped. There you were. I could feel you again, right there in every line, every messy word. It was like I could hear your voice in my head.
I read every single word, even though it felt like it was tearing me apart. All these things you kept locked up, all the hurt you never let anyone see. I thought I understood you, I thought I knew, but reading this… God, it was like you were a stranger. Like there was this part of you I never got to meet, and now I never will. And I hate it, I hate that you thought you couldn’t say anything to me. I don’t know why. Maybe I was too busy or too wrapped up in my own world. Maybe I didn’t look hard enough to see that you needed me.
And then, at the end, there was a note. Just…sitting there, taped on the last page like you wanted me to find it someday. I don’t even want to say what it said. It was so simple, but it broke me. I sat there, reading it over and over, until my eyes hurt and the words started to blur. I don’t know why you didn’t tell me any of this when you were here. I don’t know why you kept it all bottled up until it was too late.
And now all I can think about is everything I didn’t say, all the things I should have done. All the times I could’ve been there more, could’ve seen more, if only I’d known. But now it’s too late, and I can’t go back. I want you back, Dad. I’d do anything just to hear your voice, to ask you what you were thinking, to tell you that none of it was your fault. To tell you how much you meant to me, how much you still mean to me.
I miss you. I don’t know how I’m supposed to just…go on, like you weren’t the most important part of my world. And even if I try to pretend I’m okay, it still feels like there’s this giant hole inside me that’s never going to heal. I want you back, Dad. I just want you here. I don’t know how to keep going without you.
