seven | poems

a million little times

inspired by
illicit affairs
- taylor swift

you called me kid.
i responded
faster than a spark catching fire.
you made me a mess.
always fighting for
your space,
your time,
and your attention.

you called me baby.
i loved that.
i looked up at you
like you hung the stars
in the sky.
i looked at you
like you were mine
and i was yours.
but i wasn't
was i?

i was a fool
searching for gold
where there was none.
digging through words
you never meant.
hoping to hold a heart
that wasn't mine
to be held.

you felt like home,
a warm place
a safe haven
but i felt like
i should've run.
and still
i clung.
i clung to the way
you said my name.
like it was something more
than just a name.

you had my heart.
but did i have yours?
no.
no i didn't.
but still,
you taught me a secret language
that no one else understood.
you showed me colours
that no one else could see.
and i see now
that it's fake.

i don't hate you for not loving me.
i hate you for pretending
that you loved me.
a pain too sharp
to name.

and yet
i know
you know
that for you
i would ruin myself
a million
little times.

a/n: i'm actually really proud of this one

i got the hate part from a poem i saw on pinterest
it was: "i don't blame you for loving me, i blame you for pretending you did." - j.b. [unlovable]