after hours. | r.c.

seventeen

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THREE MONTHS EARLIER

i stood outside tannyhill, my heart racing as i stared at the place i'd come to hate. i'd spent countless nights here with rafe, caught up in this twisted thing we called love. but tonight was different. tonight, i was here to say goodbye—for good.

i walked through the heavy doors, each step heavier than the last, as if the whole place was trying to keep me from leaving. i knew he'd be upstairs, probably in the same state he'd been in the last time we fought: high, angry, and unpredictable. i took a deep breath, steeling myself for whatever was waiting behind that door, and pushed it open.

the sight inside was worse than i expected. rafe was slouched on his bed, eyes bloodshot, his pupils dilated. empty bottles littered the floor, a haze of smoke hung in the air, and the unmistakable smell of weed clung to everything.

"rafe," i said, my voice barely above a whisper, "is this how your gonna spend our last night?"

he lifted his head, his gaze unfocused, and sneered. "oh, so you finally decided to grace me with your presence. didn't think you'd show up," he slurred, his voice laced with bitterness. "figured you were already halfway out of town."

"i leave tomorrow," i said, stepping further into the room. "i wanted to talk. to say goodbye."

"goodbye?" he laughed, but there was no humor in it. "that's rich. you think you can just walk in here, say goodbye, and it's all good? you're just running, val. like you always do."

my temper flared. "don't act like you know me, rafe. you're the one who's been checked out for months, drowning yourself in this," i waved my hand around the mess, while tears pool my eyes. "like it'll fix anything. i can't keep doing this with you. i can't keep watching you destroy yourself."

he stood up, his posture aggressive, closing the space between us. "destroy myself? is that what you think? maybe you're just too weak to handle it. maybe you're just like everyone else, thinking you're too good for me."

"this isn't about being 'too good' for you," i snapped, pushing him back when he got too close. "i stayed with you because i thought you'd change. because i thought you'd let me in. but you never did, rafe. all you did was pull me down with you."

he grabbed my arm, his grip tight enough to hurt. "so this is it, then? you're just gonna run away to college and pretend none of this ever happened?"

i tried to pull away, but he held on tighter. "let go, rafe. you're hurting me."

he didn't loosen his grip, instead stepping closer, his face inches from mine. "you know, you always acted like you were better than this place. better than me. but newsflash, val: you're not. you're just like the rest of us, stuck here with your messed-up life and pretending you're something you're not."

"you're the one pretending, rafe!" i shouted, ripping my arm free. "you pretend you're this tough guy, but all you do is hide behind drugs and anger. you don't even know who you are anymore."

"and you do?" he shot back, his voice rising. "miss 'i'm leaving for college because everyone here hates me'? you think the pogues care about you? they've always seen you as an outsider. and you're no different from the rest of the kooks, thinking you're too good for the cut."

"you don't get it," i said, my voice breaking. "i'm leaving because staying here with you is killing me. every day, i feel like i'm sinking, like i'm suffocating. and i can't breathe when i'm with you, rafe. i can't..."

he stared at me, a strange look in his eyes, as if my words were finally getting through. but just as quickly, the anger flared back up. "fine. leave, then. go ahead. run away, just like you always do. don't let the door hit you on the way out."

tears stung my eyes, but i held them back. "you know, i loved you, rafe. i really did. but you made it impossible. i'm done watching you destroy yourself. i'm done trying to fix you."

"oh, don't act like some martyr," he scoffed, his tone mocking. "you were never in it for me. you were just here to feel better about yourself. go play your college games, val. see how long you last out there before you come crawling back."

"i won't be coming back," i said, my voice shaking with the weight of the finality. "this is it, rafe. we're done."

he laughed bitterly. "good. then get out. i don't need you. i never did."

without another word, i turned and walked out, refusing to look back, even as my heart shattered with every step. i left tannyhill, and the life i'd built around him, with nothing but the clothes on my back and a desperate need to escape. i didn't tell anyone where i was going. i didn't say goodbye to anyone else. i just left, hoping that somehow, by putting distance between us, i could finally breathe again.

and as i drove away from the outer banks, i knew i'd left more than just a boy behind—I'd left a part of myself. but i also knew that it was the only way i'd ever have a chance at finding out who i really was. away from him, away from this place, and away from the person i'd become when i was with him.

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