Closed Arcade | KINICH

Untitled Part 12

yo

not an update im rlly sorry abt that

but i am trying to write many chapters simutainously so i can have a bunch of chapters at hand that i can upload, though nothing is done really

you can go ahead and skip this i honestly wouldnt wanna hear me yapping either

but ig i wanted to tell everyone why there havent been updates for the past month

im just tired 

this is the saddest ive ever been my whole life 

ive cried more this month than i have the past 3 years

theres so much things going wrong and i cant bear with it anymore im just breaking down many times a day i cant believe myself

i sometimes find myself crying randomly in the middle of class so i just run to the bathroom everytime and cry there instead

i barely have someone to talk to at school but there are two people i can talk to and i just feel like a bother to them, not because im insecure, but because i constantly get shut down whenever i try to talk

but i like to believe they just dont mean it and it happens by accident

i spent a whole hour and a half in the bathroom during break and i skipped arabic sesh because i was just weeping and sobbing because i missed what I had

i had friends

but now a month into school, everyones acting as if theyve been friends for life and im just like huh

someone please acknowledge me when im trying to talk to you and be your friend

i havent been in this country for 3 years, but even though ive lived in it my whole life, i feel like theres a huge language barrier for some reason, even though im literally fluent

i just dont understand what theyre saying

there sm country inside jokes that i dont understand and whenever i try to ask i still dont understand

maybe because my parents kinda sheltered me from slang and didnt really let me go out anywhere except for like the sports club with people that they approved of. the first time ive gone outside of my residential compound alone with a friend was like 2 years ago... im almost graduating from high school.

i kind of feel like i dont even belong in my own country anymore and i kind of get treated like a foreigner

and thats not good bcuz people here just have something against foreigners for whatever reason. they just hate them.

i cant text to my friends during school hours either, because there's a 7 hour difference. When i wake up at 5 am and getting ready for school, theyre going to bed so i have about 10 mins to say hi and stuff. When i get back, theyre waking up, so we're both busy.

and theres a window where i can talk to them from 6:15 to 7:15 pm (for me) which is lunch break for one of them, but usually im in the middle of doing the unnatural amount of homework im given daily, or they dont respond

and speaking of homework, im always tired and on the verge of falling asleep, so i cant be bothered to even open the books and solve the fricking 10+ pages they give daily, but if i dont they'll deduct marks which affects my gpa, and im trying to get into the american university, which needs at least 3.9 or 4.0 gpa, so i can get a scholarship and study back in canada where i can be just a drive away from the important people in my life

i dont understand the smartass who thought "lets make school start at 8!" then decided the school busses should go around getting kids at 6:30. 

so cuz of that motherfucker, i have to wake up at 5, get ready, make my food for the day, which takes at least 30 mins cuz of the dumb air fryer is so slow and has fixed settings so i just have to deal with it, and then wait for the bus to pick me up at 6:30, and drop me off to school at 7, then i have to wait a whole fucking 30 minutes in the cramped area in front of the school reception with the entire damn school until the morning line starts which is just 30 minutes of getting screamed at for breathing.

then i have 9 different classes everyday, and ill go insane bcuz if i lay my head on the desk, they'll start shouting at me, but if i insist on laying my head down, they'll just either deduct grades or kick me out. like fuck you blame your dumbass school rules for having me get up at 5 am everyday

why tf should i end up fighting with my mom because i slept in until 9 bcuz of the fucking horrible sleep schedule forced upon me

and if i decide ill wake up like, i dunno, 5:30, cuz 5 is too early and i dont need an hour and a half to get ready, i end up going to school with no food in my bag and an empty stomach cuz i didn't have enough time to make food.

and heck, i wish i woke up at 5 anyways, i wake up at fricking 3 am, and sometimes 12 am, so i get barely any sleep everyday. 

imagine going to sleep at 9 and you wake up at 12 and you cant sleep since. thats bullshit

and im desperate for sleep, so im like going on reddit to look for breakfast recipes that will keep me full the whole day so i dont have to dedicate about 40 mins to making food

so today i was chopping onions and mushrooms to keep in the fridge so that in the morning ill just sizzle them and add some eggs and cheese on top of them straight away and save time. 

and i decided to like give it a test run, cuz i fucking suck at cooking, like i literally cant cook to save my life.

while im doing that, i was playing music on my laptop, specifically my liked songs. Why? Because thats usually where i save the songs that ppl reccomended to me or that i want to listen to when i have free time.

Theres this song called "I saw you in a dream" in which my friend used as the cover page for the farewell card she gave me before my flight by a few days, so i searched it up and saved it to my liked songs to listen to it later. 

and that later was today. its safe to say that the onions didnt need to be the ones that made me cry for an hour straight

and would you look at that, its already 1k words

i wish i could write as much and easily as i just yap abt nonsense

i cant even go, its fine it'll end eventually, anymore. Im one month into this sort of life and im already this fucked up mentally emotionally and physically

the irony, just to think that a few months ago i was running around trying to get my best friend to talk and hangout with a lot of people so that she wont be alone when i leave. 

tldr; im so tired

if this isnt rock bottom i dunno what is