Crapola Convenience

Part 8: Stupid country bumpkin

Here's one from a few summers ago, I was stocking the shelves while Sparkplug was on the register when this dude came through the door, long blond rats nest hanging down past his shoulders, no shirt, just denim overalls, two stubby horns judding out from his forehead, I stared for a moment taking in his familiar face as he walked to the front counter before I spoke "Johnny??" He turned to me with a bewildered face and squinted as he sauntered up to me,

"Chester? Is that you?!"

I put down the box of goods I was holding as I met his dumbfounded gaze, his stupid country bumpkin accent ringing painfully loud through my mind, "I go by Erl now." He scratched his scruffy chin, "oOoOo changing it up! I like it!" He reached into my personal space and flicked my hair out of my eyes, "You quit dying your hair!" I took a step back and continued working as I responded, trying to repress my discomfort, "Yeah, I only kept if green to piss off my Dad, it's kinda pointless to piss off a dead gu-" he cut me off "OH NO! Mr. Croft passed on? That's a shame I liked him! I'm so sorry.." I cringed with my back turned "Don't be, I'm over it." He put a hand on my shoulder "Oh c'mon man! A man never gets over his daddy!" I removed his hand from my shoulder, "Well, Johnny. If you remember. My father had the emotional power of a brick. So it wasn't that hard." I wasn't even trying to hide the resentment in my voice anymore. He stepped back and cleared his throat, he turned around and waved at Sparkplug, he turned back and smiled "Now I done got so frazzled to see you again I've gone and forgot what I came in for" he tapped his foot and looked at the ceiling, "oh well! I suppose I'll come back when I remember! Later Ches- Erl!" And out the door he went.

I decided not to think much of it, I finished my shift, went home, I ended up over sleeping and showed up a few hours late for work, he was already in the building. Chattering it up with Sparkplug and sipping on a freshly opened bottle of motor oil, "Oh Erl!" He started "Just the guy I was awaitin' for!" He slung his arm over my shoulder, "Ol' buddy I was awonderin' if you'd like to get a drink with me tonight," he gave that snagltoothed shit eating grin I hated how well I knew, I cleared my throat as I removed myself from his grasp, "I have a boyfriend." I stated very plainly but tried to sound firm, "Oh-" he groaned and coughed "Nothin' like that! Bring your ol' man!" He punctuated the sentence with a loud grunt like he was trying to clear chest congestion,

"No." I said trying to sound polite, he looked at me like a disappointed puppy before he said "Well'okay, I'll be'a seeing you." And out he moped into the parking lot, I watched him hop up in a truck for someone 2x his size and peel out. I went to the counter and Sparkplug was staring at me with those massive eyes he has, "What?" I asked, "Is he really your ex?" He asked back, I sighed hard, "What did he tell you?" I responded, he smiled wide and started giggling under his breath, he pointed a finger playfully at me, "You were an emo." He laughed a little harder, I tried to ignore him for the rest of the day, I entered that work trance I've gotten into the habit of doing, but was broken from it by Doug lightly slapping my cheek. "Kid," slap slap "Earth to Employee!" He half yelled, "Yes sir?" I responded, "That thing is stuck in the door again, get it out." And as he hobbled out of the way and into the break room I saw Kreeg waving at me with her torso stuck firmly in the glass doors.

Rather than trying to get her out unharmed which I've learned is pretty much impossible I took the easy way out of putting a shopping bag over her head to minimize the mess and shattered her head against the floor. When my shift was over I waited out front for Sparkplug to finish closing, he was living in my living room at this point so I thought it polite to stay so he didn't have to scuttle home alone, the walk home was quiet, I undoubtedly hurt his feelings ignoring him all day, I would talk to him about it the next day and we were fine. That night as I laid in bed with Merl I found my mind wandering to when I was 16, sitting with Johnny in the back of his dad's truck hand in hand in the fall,

I remembered asking him to sing to me, and how he'd always happily do so I also remembered us fighting a lot, it made me think about how Merl and I argued, I turned to him, he was snoring quietly with a hand tucked behind his head, I poked his dumb mole a few times, "Merl.. Merlin..." he came to life after a few more attempts, "For gods sake what??" He asked shielding his face, "Am I any good at this?" I asked, "Being a partner I mean." I added, he blinked a few times before he started in a high pitched aggravating voice, "Oh Erlchester, you're the most noble man I've ever bedded! Please take my hand and we'll frolic together into the sunset!" He grinned and squinted his eyes, "Is that was you want to hear?" He asked, I sighed, he rolled his eyes and adjusted himself onto his side, "Look, I love you Scruffy, and you seem to love me. That is enough." He placed a hand on my shoulder as he spoke, "thanks." I responded, he smiled "If you wake me again I will remove your eyelids with my teeth." He added and rolled over.

Merl's words had helped me take Johnny off my mind, until I went in for work the next day. Sparkplug stayed home that day as he did a couple times a week so Merl could tutor him in math so I walked by myself to work, ran into ERR.file on my way, he offered me a giant cigar which I declined but we talked for a while, I decided I was done with the conversation when he said he was working on a device to reset time just to 'see if things went different on a second go around.' when I arrived sitting on the ground in front of door of the store was a basket, inside was a box of green hair dye, a bunch of candy and the brown band from around a straw hat, my face went red as I held it in my hand I couldn't tell if it was from rage or embarrassment, I hiked the basket up on my shoulder, and stomped to the nearby alley where I could hear John Dealer playing guitar. "John!" I yelled, "Yeah?" He stopped playing and called back as I got closer, "Van!" I yelled again, "You got it." He tossed his keys into my hands and I hopped into the van parked in the alley beside him, I knew exactly where I was going.

As I sped up the mountain to VoidView's rural farmland, thoughts raced through my mind, thoughts that in any state but blind rage didn't make any sense. I stopped at a familiar large farm plot at the edge of a cliff overlooking the Great Lake, I stomped to the 'hangin' shed' near the cliff, I could see his truck parked there, he was standing at the tailgate making small talk with 2 others, as I got closer I made my presence known, "JOHNATHON SLICKBILL LAMB!" The other two ran off as Johnny went stiff, I heard him whisper to himself as he turned around "Ooo government name I'm in trouble.." he transitioned that whisper into his regular jovial tone "Heya Erl how's it-" I cut him off "What is this!?" I shoved the basket into his chest, "uh, well'sir that there is a gift basket." I huffed at him like an angry bull, he set it down carefully on the bed of his truck, never breaking my eye contact,

"I'see what this is, Erl, if you're worried about me coming onto'ya that ain't gonna happen," he dusted his chest, "I've been through the ring with you and I'm well'done, that there basket was just'a way to say that you was still a big part'a my life, a part that I hold dear, a peace offerin'! No hard feelings! I forgive you.." I looked up at him, my eyes had drifted to the ground as he spoke but now I stared into his soul, "Forgive me..?" I asked in utter disbelief, he looked at me with a mix of sympathy and confusion, "Now'Don't tell me ya still think you're in the right," he spit out his hair that the breeze had blown into his mouth, "You didn't just break my heart Croft, you crushed it to dust, you were all I knew, I lost my way without you." He looked a little angry but softened up and laughed a little, "I spent 10 years working in the Devil's casino.." my mouth fell open a little, but he'd kept talking before I could say anything, "you remember what'ya said?" I shook my head a small bit, "No.." He smacked his lips and wiped his face with his hand, "Ya'said, they outa shave me bald, hogtie me, and ship me ta'cannibal island." I cringed as remembered screaming those words.

He picked up the basket and handed it to me, "But I don't hold'no grudge, you was a broken person, and it seems you still is." He closed his truck bed, "I picked up my pieces Erl, I grew up. Seems you outa'do to." And he hopped in his truck, and was gone, I thought about that for a long time. Anyway this ran long, the register calls.