Running away from the Love-Brain

Ordinary Rain

"I suspect I'm just someone with a 'love brain'."

The rain in Chengdu always arrives softly—quiet and cool, never with a dramatic downpour. It likes to fall during the night, often eluding even the weather forecasts. People can't quite tell when exactly it will come, or what it will bring when it does... or if it will even come at all.

It feels like the song Ordinary Friends playing in the earphones is much the same.

Cui Xijin didn't fully close the car window, leaving a slight gap for the drizzle to slip through, softening the street view like a fluffy edge blurring everything outside. She stared at the blurred streetscape while listening to the muddled voice of Chi Buyu, who had her chin resting on the back of her seat. Her lashes fluttered slightly as she rambled.

"Is 'love brain' a derogatory term? I don't know. When I think of it applied to someone else, maybe not. But when I think of myself, I feel like it is."

Do you realize there's a big contradiction in what you just said? Maybe you owe the concept of "love brain" an apology.

"Do you know what I'm like when I fall for someone? Ugh... You'd probably think I'm not very smart. But back then, I really wasn't. It's like my brain was stuck in syrup, thinking about all kinds of nonsense."

"I'm a love brain that's not too smart. Now that is a derogatory term."

Even when you're not in love, you're not exactly smart. But that's not an insult.

"You just said you're not much when you're in love, but I don't believe that. You're such an independent and clever person. You probably wouldn't act like me—you'd stay rational and not get angry for no reason, right?"

Independent? Smart? Rational?

Are those really compliments when it comes to love? I don't know. All I know is that Karen Mok sang, Is love a spiritual opiate, or just a late-century boring pastime? Both of those are negative.

Thinking this way, maybe the word "love" itself is just a negative term.

"I bet you always thought me falling for someone online was a really stupid thing, right?"

"Everyone says online dating isn't reliable. Grown-ups say all it takes is for the connection to be cut, and it's over. Wait... that's not quite how they say it, right? Didn't we already have Wi-Fi when we were in high school?"

I remember. And your phone got confiscated by the teacher countless times. You borrowed phones from almost everyone in the class. Unfortunately, I lent you mine, too. After you returned it, I noticed everyone was forwarding the same message:

Attention! Today is SpongeBob's birthday! The daughter of Tencent's boss loves SpongeBob, so they're giving out a special offer: Forward this message to 15 QQ friends, and you'll get one extra sun and one extra moon on your profile! Don't believe it? Send it and see in 15 seconds!

You told me you knew it was fake, but in the next breath, you puffed out your bangs, saying, "But it's SpongeBob! What's the harm in trying?"

"Anyway, it wasn't until long after all that that I started suspecting I might be someone with a 'love brain'."

"For example... for example, nowadays everyone emphasizes that a romantic relationship should be healthy, with clear boundaries and mutual support to make it last. I'm not sure if that's true..."

"But at least that's not how I am. Whenever I fall in love, I become clingier and more annoying. To put it bluntly, I become what people call needy... over the tiniest thing, my emotions are all over the place, totally out of control. Maybe that doesn't make sense to you, so let me give you an example..."