Infinite Shades of Him (bxb)

7. This life isn't mine.

Rain smiled as he admired the sweaters I found today. "Getting all dressed up in Jack Skellington and Zero Christmas sweaters?"

"Do you think they look okay? I remember Atlas loved this movie, and I do, too. He's going to be here soon, and I probably should have asked for more details, but I... didn't really care where we were going. I just wanted to go with him."

"Don't worry; they're perfect." He met my gaze, and his soft eyes calmed something in me—the anxiety, mostly. "He's going to love them. Don't stress, Miles. I know it's easier said than done, but I can assure you that Atlas will happily wear this."

I turned the sweater with Jack on it, staring at the front. "I don't know; maybe I should have gone with the other one." I mean, this one is black, though. It suits him. Jack is his favorite character. Randomly remembered that little factoid."

Rain took the sweaters from my hands, tossing them on my bed. "Miles, what has you so anxious?"

I started picking at my nails as I paced the room. "How did you know that you had feelings for Rune?"

"I looked at his face and said, 'I want to kiss that frown into a smile.' Why do you ask?"

Stopping in the middle of my room, I looked at my brother-in-law. "I think, maybe, I had these secret feelings for Atlas in college because it feels like I have feelings for him now. How is that even possible, Rain? Even if I did like the guy, I never told him that, clearly. Now, I just want to spend every waking fucking second with the guy to the point I was silently whining when he said goodnight to me on the phone last night."

Rain slowly sat down on my chair, his eyes pinned to me with something intense behind them. "You think you had feelings for Atlas in college?"

"Did I ever say I did? Did I mention it?"

"Uhm, I feel like those questions are treading too closely to giving you memory information. I mean, you're onto something there, though."

"I'm voiding out the rule. Can you please tell me if I ever mentioned having feelings for Atlas in college? Just say yes or no."

"Yes."

The one thing I hated about having memory loss apart from the fucking memory loss was that I didn't want to overload my brain with too much. That meant I couldn't ask Rain any further questions about something that I now really wanted to know. At least I had confirmation, though. But why did I never tell him? Did he ever show signs of liking me back? Did it matter?

Realizing I had feelings for Atlas in college, and now piecing together, he was the one who saved me from my attacker—there was no chance between us, was there? I'd never expect him to be with me after witnessing what he did. My most vulnerable moment was put in a showcase for him, and how could he see me as a future partner? I wasn't broken, but I was damaged. I was still healing from that part of my life.

The only reason I didn't think about it as much anymore was because I accepted what happened to me and knew I couldn't change it. Instead, I wanted to get my life back. Having feelings for Atlas might have been part of my life, but they weren't exposed out loud. They weren't... technically important. 

I didn't have much to offer him, so what was the point in exploring that avenue? My priority should be about getting my best friend back. Not... wishing he wasn't the one who walked in on what happened to me. Atlas was a witness to the trauma I was still dealing with. How could he look at me the same way I saw him? 

"What's wrong, Miles?"

I shook my head at Rain's question, fixing a fake smile on my lips. "Nothing, nothing. I, uh, I should get ready, right? I--"