Dear Phil [Phan]

It's All My Fault

It's been one week since the accident. Phil is in a coma and it doesn't look like he'll be waking up any time soon.

Dan knows this.

For the first 3 days, Dan hadn't left Phil's side.

He sat next to him, day and night, holding his hand, praying to whatever was out there to please bring his Phil back.

Dan's life was on pause. Ripped away from him just as Phil's was.

He barely ate. He barely talked. He wouldn't even sleep.

Ironic isn't it?

On the third night, the doctor told Dan he had to go home. He had to get some rest. Eat something. Talk to some friends and family for 'moral support'.

He resisted, but only for a few minutes. He knew he wouldn't win this fight. The doctor wrote something down and handed it to Dan, who shoved it in his pocket, not bothering to see what it was.

He got a cab home, but, cheesy as this sounds, it didn't feel like home without Phil.

Once he stepped inside he realized that he was starved. He checked the cabinets and grabbed a box of cereal. He moved to the fridge for milk sighing at the mess on the counter.

It wasn't until he opened the fridge and saw that there was no milk that Dan remembered. Of course there wouldn't be any milk.

The memory flashed through Dan's head.

"Phiiiilll."

"Hmm?" Phil walked into the kitchen to see Dan looking in the fridge.

"There's no milk. Can you go out and get some?" Dan asked, walking over to Phil and wrapping his arms around his waist.

"Right now? What do you need milk so badly for?"

"To cook us dinner."

Phil considered this, "Fine. I'll go get some milk." He caved.

"Thank you." Dan smiled and pressed a kiss to his lips.

Phil smiled as they pulled away and walked to the door. "I'll be back soon." He opened the door, ready to go.

"Bye love." Dan called.

A second later the door quietly clicked shut. Dan started pulling out everything else he needed to cook the meal. About 15 minutes later the phone started to ring.

"Mr. Howell?"

"Yes, who is this?"

"I'm Dr. Pine from St. Thomas Hospital."

"Okay?" Worry began to creep into Dan's mind.

"We have Philip Lester here. You were listed as his emergency-"

"I'm on my way." Dan hung up the phone, threw on his shoes and jacket, and ran out the door.

He was so nervous that he ran down the stairs instead of taking the lift and was already halfway to the hospital before he realized he could of called a cab.

He quickly got hold of one and was at the hospital in 10 minutes.

Dan was about to ask where Phil was but knew that the people who worked at hospitals were always difficult.

"I need to talk to Dr. Pine." He said hurriedly.

A head popped up in response. It wasn't the lady at the front desk but instead a man who had happened to walk by and overhear.

"That's me."

"I'm Dan Howell, you called about Philip Lester."

"Right, follow me." He said after a moments hesitation.

Dan walked quickly next to the doctor and tapped his foot impatiently in the lift. Finally, they stopped in front of a door and the doctor opened it revealing Phil.

He ran beside him and shook him lightly.

"Phil," Dan whispered.

Dr. Pine cleared his throat. "He's not going to wake up from you doing that."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't quite know how to put this but, Phil has slipped into a coma."

"What Happened?"

"We talked to the witnesses. Apparently, he was crossing the street when an out of control car came down the road and well, hit him. The car sped off but the camera caught an appearance. There were two men. Blonde hair. Identical, save for a big distinctive scar right across the passengers forehead. Anyway, I'm sure you don't really want to hear about all this. I'll leave you alone for a bit." He walked out, shutting the door behind him.

And with that, Dan collapsed on Phil's chest, sobbing. 15 minutes later, he wiped away his tears and tried to calm down.

Dan grabbed hold of one of Phil's hands and held it close to his heart. He begged for Phil to wake up. And he cried some more, when his pleads failed.

Of course that's not going to work. This is real life. A real world. Fantasies don't exist. This isn't a fairy tale and you're not always going to live happily ever after.

But maybe they would have an exception.

A good hour later, when Dan was out of tears, he didn't just look at Phil. He saw him for the first time since he arrived. 

He was white as a sheet. Paler than before, which didn't seem possible to Dan, but there he was. He had a huge bump on his head and bruises all over. Dry blood laid around his hairline and Dan saw stitches in his head. He grabbed a wet napkin and dabbed it off. His skin was ice cold and Dan tucked the blanket around him as much as he could.

The fridge door slammed shut and Dan sunk down it forgetting his hunger.

He dropped his head in his arms and cried for what felt like hours. Eventually he stood up, tears still streaming down his face, and shuffled to their bed. He didn't bother changing, only wrapped himself in their blankets.

He felt slightly comforted but when he rolled over, he saw the painful reminder of Phil being gone. He used to sleep right there, besides him, every night.

He couldn't stop crying. But he couldn't help it. Who could blame him? And when he was too exhausted to handle the heavy sobs, he calmed his breathing. Tears fell from his eyes, but he didn't have the strength to wipe them away.

"It's all my fault." He whispered into the still air, seconds before sleep took him.