Virgin Tales

Chapter 5 - Operation P.E.N.I.S

It was hot. Too hot. Like a furnace.  In the desert.

I pried my crusted eyes open and found the source of heat. Dearest Derek was like 100°C. His legs together with mine were wrapped and twisted around the blanket while his arm held me prisoner to the crook of his neck.

Air. I need air.

I tried poking, prodding and pulling the body parts within reach given my small range of movement but to no avail. I squeezed through his vice grip on my midsection and still, he didn't even budge.

I shook his shoulders, gently at first, and when nothing happened, I used more force.

This man would sleep through the apocalypse.

I blew into his ear, I pulled up his eyelids, I pinched his lips and nada.

My lips contorted into an evil smile as I devised my master plan. And to think Jazz told me I'd have no use for a horn.

In your face, Jasmine Sanders!

I set up my phone on the little shelf across the bed, which so happened to be the most perfect height to focus on the bed.

What a lovely coincidence.

Oh, you freaky little Cassie.

I hit the record button and tiptoed to his side.

Why the hell was I being quiet? This idiot could sleep through a real life
San Andreas.

Giving the camera a thumbs up and the trademark signal of Dr. Evil, I squeezed my fingers around the rubber as tight as possible, right next to Derek's left ear. He jumped up as if someone lit a fire under his ass, rolled over onto the other side of the bed still tangled in the sheets, slid straight off the bed and thumped his head on the wall.

And it was all caught on camera.

Well done, Cassie.

He tried to get up quickly and act like none of that happened.

Men and their need to be all macho and well coordinated.

Instead, he slipped on the blanket that was intertwined with his feet and fell flat on his face, banging the back of his head on the wall. Again.

"Good morning to you too, babe," he mumbled with his face still pressed against the carpeted floors.

At this point, I couldn't handle it anymore. I burst out laughing like a hyena. Completed with leg slapping, head shaking and pointing.

"You were..." Laugh and point at him.

"Then I..." Laugh and point at me.

"Then you..." Laugh and slap knee.

"And you..." Laugh and put hand on belly.

"Again," Laugh and drop on floor.

"You know, normal girlfriends wake their boyfriends with a kiss," he grumbled as he untangled himself from the death cloth and sat on the edge of the bed  facing me.

With a bright smile and exaggerated sweetness in my voice, I replied, "Sorry, sweetie. I'm not normal,"

"Don't I know it," he muttered, not so much under his breath.

"Excuse me?" I straightened up and looked at him, "You had the extreme privilege and honour of sleeping next to me last night, so I'd say I'm a pretty awesome girlfriend, "

"Yeah, but an absolutely amazing girlfriend would have let me sleep inside her," he winked.

Oh, if only he knew how unsuccessful and disappointed he'd feel after, he wouldn't have even suggested that idea.

Should I feel bad for not telling him about my 'shortcoming' ?

Well, look at that unintentional pun. I internally laughed at my own joke.

Of course not, Cassie. Not every relationship has to involve sex. Just look at your parents, the voice in my head replied thoughtfully.

Ew gross. I rather not think about that. Intenal cringe.

"Really, Parker?" I lifted an eyebrow. "You literally just woke up,"

"Correction, I was rudely awakened," he narrowed his eyes at me. "Morning wood," he shrugged sheepishly.

"It's 12:46,"

"Afternoon wood?"

***

After Derek left, I started thinking, which was something I rarely did, especially when there was food in front of me.

The second I realised what kind of person Jack was, I swore to never get in another relationship. Yet here I was becoming the snuggle and cuddle type of girlfriend.

Derek didn't seem as though he'd try to hurt me in any way.

You also thought so about Jack. Your perception in men seems to on par, a sarcastic voice interrupted.

If he wanted to, he could have had his way with me that very night when I was most vulnerable and my guard was down. Instead, he was a complete gentleman and saviour.

For almost my entire stay at university, any problem I had, Derek would be the one to help. So maybe, just maybe, he could be trusted.

And hopefully he would not freak out when he realises you can't reach the big 'O', a hopeful voice added.

But he'll be severely disappointed and then our entire relationship would have been a waste.

Unless...

Unless I annoy him so much that he leaves in the early stages and it won't even have time to develop into something physical.

Brilliant, Cassie. Just brilliant.

Operation P.E.N.I.S begins tonight.

Prohibitus Erectus Now In Session.