Jennie is distant, everyone can feel it. As soon as the pain meds are down to twice a day, and she’s eating regularly, the elation of simply being alive and having her family back begins to fade away.
Lisa is doting and gentle and so very lovely, but Jennie is resentful and angry and so very hurt. But perhaps worst of all is that she’s guilty, because she knows why this happened. Can trace it back to a very moment in time that she, herself, indirectly and maybe directly caused it. Because Lisa of three years ago would have never entertained the idea of Jennie cheating. Because Lisa of three years ago did not have an infant to raise by herself while Jennie ran off to Paris for several months to start up her company’s Europe branch.
Lisa of three years ago did not give up her residency at MOMA to raise their child while Jennie was off gallivanting through the city of light with admittedly, shiny, beautiful people.
Lisa of three years ago was not struggling through insecurities exacerbated by post partem depression without the help and support of her significant other.
Simply put, three years ago, Lisa was not struggling and questioning herself at every turn. Lisa wasn’t questioning Jennie’s commitment or her love for her. They’d been happy, of course they had, but Lisa had been noticeably struggling and maybe Jennie hadn’t done anything about it. Maybe she’d been too tired or too wrapped up in her own goals and aspirations to realize what Lisa had given up for her. For her family. Maybe the divorce request was an over reaction, but maybe Jennie had to shoulder some of that blame too.
And that just makes everything worse because of course she can’t just blame Lisa. And of course Lisa can’t just blame her, though that’s what she’d done. And yes, Lisa had been struggling, and yes, maybe Jennie had conveniently managed to miss that at the time. But Jennie had been struggling too. Jennie, who is constantly in the limelight, Jennie who is constantly fighting off saboteurs and money mongrels, Jennie who still sometimes lays awake at night aching for her parents. Jennie who had no idea what it meant to be a parent, and even less what it meant to be a parent to a child who looks at you like you’re their entire world, despite having not been around for their early months. Jennie had had her own struggles.
The only problem is, Jennie of three years ago, never would have let them overshadow Lisa’s.
The painful truth of the matter is that Jennie left Lisa first. Long before any of this nonsense about divorce papers. Jennie had left Lisa when she needed her the most. Jennie knows this now. Being bed ridden lends itself well to reflection. But that doesn’t make it any better. Any easier. It makes it harder, because Lisa is no longer the bad guy. But Lisa is not off the hook either. If only she had talked to Jennie during those years. But that’s how Lisa is. Lisa, her selfless, resilient, beautiful Lisa, had let her go off to Paris. Without complaint, without retribution. She’d let Jennie walk away and take her alone time when Lisa had needed the support the most. She’d let Jennie play the young, bachelor she never got to, and instead of talking about it, instead of demanding fairness, she’d bottled it away and let it simmer. And boy had Jennie paid for it, all at once, in full, no mercy.
There’s a timid knock at the door and an even more timid “Jen?”
Jennie closes her eyes and shoves the anger and resentment and guilt down as deep as she can get it as Lisa opens the door. Jennie forces a smile on her face and tries not to note how the guilt had been hardest to shove away.
“Are you hungry?”
With a grimace, Jennie pushes herself up to sitting and gestures her wife away from the door. “You can come in, love.”
Lisa chews on her lip in trepidation, and even with the anger and resentment and guilt, Jennie thinks she’s the most beautiful creature on earth. And in that moment, for the first time in several days, she craves Lisa’s touch.
