Hope

Bonds

When I got home, I removed my shoes and took a hot shower. Normally, at this time, I would be at drama club, laughing and having fun, but today was different. Drama club was canceled because the coach couldn't make it. I turned on some music and jumped into the shower. I started thinking about Dahlia and how sweet she was. How can someone be so damn perfect? All the little things she did drove me fucking crazy. I was reminded of what Sam had said during break 'You're so in love' No I wasn't, was I? I can be falling in love. I don't think I can handle the pain of rejection again. Every time it happens I feel more and more like I can't be loved. No, I can't let my guard down again, I'm not gonna let my walls crumble down again. It was time to get over my crush. It was just a stupid crush.

I hopped out of the shower and got dressed. I got to my room and saw the pile of books on my table. God dammit, year-end tests were coming up and I haven't touched anything. I had to start studying but I didn't feel like it. God Tanya, when do you ever feel like it? Ur so useless and just like that, all the insults and hurtful words people have said to me came rushing back. Tears welled up in my eyes, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I sat down before I could collapse. Ur so weak. So weak. I wiped my tears and opened up Netflix to get my mind off things. It worked.....for a while. I ended up spending the rest of my evening binge-watching and after dinner, I headed off to bed. Great another day wasted. Good job Tanya.

Next day                                                                                                                                                                                   

I woke up from my dream and my first thought as always was Dahlia. I swear this woman is taking over my life. Every second of the day I'm thinking of her. All the memories from yesterday came rushing back to me and my heart felt like it was going to sink into my stomach. You need to forget about her Tanya. You won't be able to handle that pain again cuz ur a weak-minded, good-for-nothing bitch. I groaned and dragged myself out of bed. I hate waking up. I got dressed, made my food and went outside.

I was in the car waiting for Dad to finally finish getting ready. Every single fucking day, he was always the one who made me late. I have a schedule for everyday and I'm never able to follow it because of my parents. It makes me so anxious when I'm not on schedule, which is every day. I was super pissed but i didn't bother yelling cuz that wasn't gonna do anything. At this point I've given up. My eyes start to sting while I pushed back the tears. Why do I always have to be so weak? Why do I get hurt so easily? No wonder no one ever had a crush on me. 

I ran into class as soon as the bell rang. I'm not late for once. I went over to my seat and saw Adeline. The guilt of not telling her about Dahlia washed over me, but if i do tell her I'm gonna feel like I've told too many people. That's gonna make me feel like I tell my secrets to everyone. Why didn't I just tell her first. She's my best friend, I have to tell her plus i hate keeping stuff from her. She's gonna be so pissed about the fact I didn't tell her sooner, but she'll forgive me (I think well I hope) I spent the entire time thinking about telling Addy that I completely zoned out during prayers. It wasn't till the bell rang that I snapped out of it.  As we sat down Addy looked and me and said. "Are you ok? You seem a little out of it."  "Yeah, just a little tired" Technically that wasn't a lie, I like to think of it more like a half truth. 

Interval was arriving and I still didn't tell Addy. It's not like I could've, with all the teachers constantly giving us notes. Just then the teacher got a call and she went out of class to answer it. It's like the universe was telling me to tell her. "Addy" "Mhm" She replied looking at me. "Ur gonna be a bit mad when I say this but..." "Oh no, what did you do?" "So umm sorry I didn't tell you this sooner but uh I have a crush on someone.." "okay..." she was oddly calm. This worried me. "I've liked her for 2 months.." "WHAT!" The entire classed stopped and stared at us. "Why didn't you tell me?" "I'm sorry, I wanted to" "How many people know?" "Um..9" "Your telling me I'm the 10th person you told!?"  She didn't seem too mad. " I swear I'm gonna make sure that your gonna be the 10th person to know when the next thing happens" I laughed at that. " But now you have to tell me everything" This is why I loved her. She understood me so well. I'm so lucky to have such good friends.