Heal Me

7

The plane glided through the clouds, a whirlwind of emotions churning inside me. Maddy, now two years old, snuggled against me, her tiny fingers grasping my shirt. "Mommy, will they have cake at a wedding?"she asked, her big blue eyes sparkling with excitement. I smiled weakly, stealing a glance out the window at the patchwork of clouds below. It felt surreal, like a scene pulled from someone else's life.
"Yes pumpkin," I replied, though the words felt hollow. A bittersweet thrill washed over me—a mix of joy for my best friend and a twinge of envy I couldn't shake. Amy was getting the fairy tale wedding I had always dreamed of, while I sat here in this cramped airplane, holding a reminder of my own unfulfilled aspirations.
Ethan had left for his deployment the week before. There had been no warm goodbyes, no comforting hugs, just an unspoken acknowledgment of the distance growing between us. I couldn't help but wonder if he was even thinking about me.
I looked down at Maddy, her innocent excitement a stark contrast to the turmoil swirling in my heart. She was my light, my reason for pushing through each day, but even her presence couldn't fill the void Ethan had left behind. I felt a lump in my throat as I fought back tears. How had we come to this? The plane continued its journey, and I forced myself to focus on the excitement of the wedding, even as my mind drifted back to Ethan. I had to find a way to celebrate Amy's happiness without losing myself in my own despair. I squeezed Maddy a little tighter and whispered, "Let's make some fun memories, okay?"
Maddy nodded enthusiastically. "Can I dance like a princess?"
"Of course, sweetheart. You'll be the most beautiful princess there."
At the wedding venue, I stood in the beautiful garden where Amy and Daniel were about to say their vows, and I felt a mixture of joy and longing swirling inside me. Maddy twirled in her pretty dress, her laughter ringing like music, but I couldn't shake the heaviness in my heart. I watched as Amy, radiant in her white gown, walked down the aisle, and I felt an ache for the fairy tale I'd always dreamed of.
My wedding to Ethan had been so different—just a quick trip to the courthouse, a few signatures, and a simple exchange of vows. I hadn't even wanted to get married, but with a baby on the way, it was necessary. I remembered how I had stood there, surrounded by sterile walls, feeling a sense of loss instead of joy. The thought of it made me feel hollow. I forced a smile, determined to hide my sadness beneath a mask of happiness. Amy was getting everything I had ever wanted—a beautiful wedding, a love story that felt real and vibrant.
Maddy tugged at my sleeve, her eyes bright with excitement. "Mommy, can I go dance now?"
"Of course, sweetheart," I said, kneeling to give her a gentle push toward the dance floor. Watching her spin and twirl with pure joy was both heartwarming and heartbreaking. She deserved all the happiness in the world, and I wanted to be the kind of mother who could give her that without the weight of my own disappointments looming over us.
The reception buzzed with laughter and celebration, but I felt like a ghost, drifting through a world that no longer felt like mine. Well-meaning guests approached me with questions about Ethan, their faces bright with concern. "How is Ethan? How are you two doing?"
I would smile and reply, "He's on deployment. We're fine," as if saying the words would somehow make them true, but inside, I was screaming. I felt like an imposter, trapped beneath a facade that was cracking at the seams.
I moved towards the exit looking for a brief reprieve from the chaos of reception. I was looking around the room, taking in the decorations when I spotted him at the bar—the sight of him made my heart stop. It had been almost four years since I last saw him, on the day everything fell apart. Now, he looked so out of place, a stark contrast to the joy and laughter swirling around us. My stomach twisted as I took in his disheveled appearance, and memories flooded back—dreams of love that had turned to dust.
"Ellie..." His voice cut through the noise, and I froze. Hearing my name from his lips sent shivers down my spine. I took a deep breath, battling the urge to retreat into the crowd. With shaky resolve, I faced him.
"Trevor," I said, keeping my voice flat, determined not to show any warmth.
He stepped closer, his bloodshot eyes revealing just how much he had been struggling. "You look... terrible," I said, my disdain sharper than I intended.
"Life's been... rough," he replied, a humorless laugh escaping him that twisted my stomach in knots. I wanted to scream at him, to tell him he was the one who made those choices. Instead I forced myself to remain composed.
He leaned in, a serious look overtaking his features. "I heard about you and Ethan."
My heart raced, irritation bubbling up. "Of course you heard," I shot back, rolling my eyes, anger flaring like wildfire.
He invaded my space, his breath heavy with the stench of alcohol. "You deserve better than that guy," he slurred, searching my eyes for some hint of sympathy.
My fists clenched at my sides, rage igniting within me. "You don't get to comment on what I deserve, Trevor," I snapped, feeling a mix of hurt and anger. Seeing him like this—so lost and broken—tugged at something deep inside me, but I refused to let it show.
I felt a strange pull toward him, an instinctive urge to comfort the boy I once loved. Memories flickered through my mind—the laughter we shared, the dreams we painted together. It was infuriating how, despite everything, I still had this soft spot for him. As much as I wanted to soothe that flicker of hope within him, I knew better. I couldn't be that person anymore, not after all the pain and heartache he had caused. I took a step back, pushing the memories away like shadows creeping too close. I was here for Amy, for joy and celebration, not to revisit the past.
Daniel appeared next to me, fury radiating off of him. "What the hell are you doing, Trev? I thought we had a deal," he barked, his tone sharp and unforgiving. Trevor's surprise quickly morphed into shame under Daniel's intense glare, and I felt a rush of anger and pity for him.
"Don't!" Daniel shot back, his voice rising. "You said that you weren't going to talk to her!"
Trevor shrugged, a hint of defiance in his eyes. "I'm just saying hi. No harm in that."
"You're breaking your word." Daniel snapped, anger simmering just below the surface.
Trevor opened his mouth to protest, but Daniel stepped closer, his expression hardening. "If you cared about Ellie at all, you'd understand that you are hurting her right now."
I watched the confrontation unfold, my heart racing. Part of me wanted to intervene, to remind Daniel that we could handle this differently, but I knew he was protecting me. I felt a swell of gratitude mixed with fear as Trevor's bravado crumbled, revealing nothing but stubbornness.
"I just wanted to apologize," Trevor muttered, but the edge in his tone was all too familiar. "I'm trying to be better."
"Trying?" Daniel echoed, shaking his head in disbelief. "You're drunk at your best friend's wedding! That's not trying. That's pathetic."
With that, Trevor turned and walked away, leaving a tense silence in his wake. When Daniel returned to me, his expression was a mix of frustration and concern.
"Are you okay?" he asked, his voice low, almost drowned out by the music.
"Yeah," I replied, forcing a smile that felt more like a mask than genuine happiness.
After my encounter with Trevor, the memory of my last fight with Ethan flooded back, sharp and raw. "I can't compete with the love you still have for Trevor," Ethan had shouted, his voice laced with pain and frustration. Those words echoed in my mind, a haunting reminder of the emotional chasm between us. I wanted to argue, to assert that I had moved on, but deep down, I knew there was still a part of me that clung to the memories of Trevor. The truth felt like a betrayal, not just to Ethan, but to the life we had built together. It was as if Ethan's words had stripped away my defenses, exposing the guilt I tried to hide.
Now, standing amidst the celebration of Amy and Daniel's love, I couldn't escape the weight of that conversation. The shadows of my past loomed large, and I felt suffocated by the conflicting emotions swirling inside me. Trevor's presence had only amplified my internal struggle. I recalled how I had yelled back at Ethan, "You think I want this?" The tears I had held back felt like a tidal wave, threatening to drown me in regret and longing. I was caught between the life I wanted and the remnants of a past I couldn't fully shake.
I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself amid the swirling emotions. As the music played and the laughter echoed around me, I felt an overwhelming urge to flee. I needed to escape this moment where I was caught between two worlds, but running wouldn't solve anything; it would only delay the inevitable. I had to confront my feelings for Trevor and the impact they had on my marriage.
I looked back at Amy and Daniel, their joy evident as they twirled together, lost in their love. It was beautiful and painful all at once. I wanted that kind of love, a love that didn't come with the weight of past regrets or lingering doubts. I wanted to be happy for my best friend, but the contrast made my own situation feel even more stark. Could I ever have that kind of joy with Ethan, or was I forever stuck in a cycle of longing and regret?