Heal Me

9

It had been six months since Ethan left for deployment, and the days had blurred into a routine that felt both familiar and foreign. Maddy was outside playing, her laughter ringing through the air, but my heart felt heavy with uncertainty. When Ethan returned, I had hoped for a spark, a rekindling of what we once had.
The moment he stepped through the door, I felt a rush of warmth. "Hey," I said, forcing a smile as he dropped his duffel bag by the door.
"Hey," he replied, his voice laced with exhaustion.
His entire expression changed when Maddy ran to him, "Daddy!" She yelled, her eyes shining with joy.
He bent down to scoop her up, and I watched, a swell of emotion catching in my throat. "Hey, kiddo," he said, ruffling her hair, and for a moment, it felt like everything might be okay.
When he set Maddy down and turned to me, the shadows in his eyes returned, and I realized that beneath the surface, things were still shaky. The warmth of our reunion dissipated, leaving behind an awkward silence that stretched between us. Over the next few days, the distance grew palpable. Ethan spent more time away from home, telling me he was meeting up with friends from his unit.
"Maddy needs you here," I finally said one night, unable to hold back my frustration. "We both do."
"I'll be back later," he replied, not meeting my gaze as he grabbed his keys. "I need some time with the guys."
"Time for what?" I shot back, my voice thick with emotion. "To forget about us? To forget about your family?"
He turned to me, anger flaring in his eyes. "You don't understand what it's like for me right now, Ellie. I can't just switch back to normal!"
"Normal?" I echoed, my heart racing. "What is normal anymore? You come home, but you're still miles away. We're still stuck in this limbo!"
The following evening, we sat down to dinner. It had started off like any other night—quiet. Ethan sat across from me, the clinking of silverware and the faint hum of the news on the television the only sounds filling the space. He nursed a glass of whiskey, the amber liquid swirling like my thoughts, heavy and muddled. I was trying to find a way to bridge the distance that had grown between us since he returned from deployment, but it felt like a chasm.
I took a breath, forcing a smile as I began to share details about Amy's wedding. "She looked so beautiful in her dress, Ethan. It was like something out of a fairy tale," I said, hoping to spark some warmth between us.
His expression remained flat, but I pressed on. "Daniel was so happy. They really seemed perfect together."
Ethan put down his fork, a sharp glint of annoyance in his eyes. "Was Trevor there?"
I hesitated, the tension thickening in the air. "Yes, he was," I finally admitted, bracing myself for the fallout.
In an instant, the atmosphere shifted, and Ethan's face flushed with anger. Before I could process what was happening, he hurled his plate across the room. It shattered against the wall, pieces scattering like my nerves. "I'm tired of this! Why can't you just forget about him?"
His voice rose, raw and unrestrained. "I don't understand why you don't love me the way you loved him," he spat, eyes burning into mine.
I felt the weight of his words. "Ethan, I—"
"Do you love me?" His question hung in the air, heavy and accusatory.
I froze, caught in the crossfire of my own emotions. I wanted to answer, to soothe the storm brewing inside him, but the words wouldn't come.
Ethan's frustration turned to rage, and he leaned across the table, his face inches from mine. "Just answer me!"
Panic surged through me as I saw the violence simmering just beneath his surface. "Ethan, please—"
He slammed his fist down on the table, the force rattling the dishes and making my heart race. "Tell me you love me!"
My breath caught in my throat, fear pooling in my stomach. I couldn't let this escalate, couldn't let the darkness in him take over. "Ethan, I need you to calm down," I said, my voice trembling.
Instead, he stepped closer, his anger palpable. I felt trapped, the walls closing in around me. I had wanted to reach him, to find a way back to what we once had, but now all I could think about was getting out.
"You still love him, don't you?" Ethan interrupted, his voice rising. "You're still not over him, even after all this time."
I nodded slowly, trying to keep my voice steady. "I love Trevor, but not in the same way I did before. That feeling is...different now."
"Fuck your feelings!" Ethan exploded, standing up abruptly. He grabbed his half-empty whiskey glass and hurled it against the wall, shattering the glass and splattering amber liquid all over the room.
He pulled me close, his hot breath on my face. "Answer me, goddammit! Do you love me, or am I just a consolation prize?"
Tears stung my eyes as I looked into his furious eyes. "I... I care for you, Ethan. But my feelings are complicated."
Ethan's grip tightened, his fingers digging into my skin. "Complicated? That's your fucking answer?"
I tried to pull away, but his hold was firm. "Ethan, you're scaring me. Please, let go."
Suddenly, his other hand reached for my throat, his fingers wrapping around my neck gently at first, but the pressure increasing as his anger escalated. "Answer me, Ellie," he growled. "Do you love me, or is it always going to be Trevor in your heart?"
I gasped for air, my eyes wide with fear. "I... I can't breathe..."
His grip tightened further, cutting off my air supply. "Tell me, Ellie. Say you love me and only me."
My vision began to blur as I struggled against his hold. I tried to speak, but only managed a strangled whisper. "I... can't..."
Ethan's face was a blur as darkness crept into my vision. I felt his grip loosen slightly, and then he released me, letting me crumple to the floor, gasping for breath. He stood over me, his eyes burning with anger and hurt. "You know what? I'm done. I'm done chasing after you, Ellie. You can have your precious Trevor. I hope he makes you happy because I'm done trying."
The door slammed behind Ethan, rattling the frame and sending a chill through me. I stood in the living room, heart racing, trying to process what had just happened. The echoes of our violent argument lingered in the air, a suffocating reminder of the danger that now loomed over us. I glanced at Maddy, blissfully unaware as she played with her toys, and my resolve solidified. We had to leave.
I hurried to our bedroom, flinging open drawers and tossing clothes into a bag. I grabbed Maddy's favorite stuffed animal, knowing it would comfort her, and threw in some essentials—snacks, toiletries, anything I could think of. My hands trembled as I zipped the bag shut, my mind racing with thoughts of what Ethan might do next.
Reaching for my phone, I dialed Amy's number, my heart pounding as it rang.
"Ellie?" Her voice was immediately warm and familiar, but I could hear the concern beneath it.
"Amy, it's bad. Ethan and I... we had a fight. It got really ugly. I have to get out."
"Oh my God, are you okay?" she asked, her tone sharp with urgency."
"Listen to me," Amy said, her voice firm. "You're not safe where you are. You have to leave right now."
"I know, but—"
"Daniel said he'll buy you plane tickets to come back to Connecticut. You just need to pack up and leave. Can you do that?" she interrupted.
I swallowed hard, tears stinging my eyes. "Yes, I'll do it."
"Thank you, Amy," I whispered, the weight of her support grounding me. I could almost hear Daniel murmuring something in the background, reassuring her that everything would be okay.
"Maddy!" I called, turning my attention back to my daughter. "Let's get ready to go on an adventure!"
"Where are we going, Mommy?" she asked, looking up with wide, innocent eyes.
"Somewhere really fun," I replied, forcing a smile. I grabbed her hand and led her to her sparkly pink suitcase, letting her help me pack her favorite toys. It felt surreal, like I was playing pretend, but the urgency in Amy's voice kept me focused.
I finished packing her suit case, and I felt a flicker of hope mixed with fear. We were going to be okay. We were leaving this nightmare behind.
I took Maddy's hand in mine. "Let's go, sweetheart."
I buckled Maddy into the backseat of the car, and got into the drivers seat. The weight of the world pressed down on me, but I held firm in my resolve. Maddy sat quietly in the backseat, her small figure dwarfed inside her carseat, her favorite stuffed animal clutched tightly to her chest. The trees blurred past as we drove away from the house—the house that had become a prison of fear and anger. A wave of helplessness washed over me, the memory of Ethan's rage echoing in my mind, threatening to drown me in panic. I couldn't let that fear consume me. I had to stay focused.
What was I going to do next? The questions churned in my head like a storm. I needed to get us to the airport, but what awaited us there? I stole a glance at Maddy in the rearview mirror at Maddy, her gaze fixed out the window. She looked so small and innocent, and I felt a surge of protectiveness. She deserved safety, love, and a world where she could thrive. I was her mother, her protector, and I wouldn't let her down. With each mile that passed, the tension in my shoulders eased just a little. The distance from our old life was growing, but the fear still coiled in my stomach. I had to keep moving forward.