Heal Me

14

I sat at the table in Amy's kitchen, a steaming cup of coffee cradled in my hands as I helped her brainstorm ideas for Avery's first birthday party. The table was a colorful explosion of party supplies—bright balloons, whimsical streamers, and half-finished decorations—each item brimming with potential. Sunlight poured through the window, casting a warm glow that danced across our plans, while the rich aroma of freshly brewed coffee hung in the air, grounding me in the moment.
"I can't believe he's turning one already!" Amy exclaimed, her eyes sparkling as she flipped through a stack of party invitations. "It feels like just yesterday we were bringing him home from the hospital." Her enthusiasm was infectious, igniting a warmth in my chest, yet I couldn't shake the flickering shadows of my own thoughts.
I rifled through the party supplies,  and my mind wandered between Avery's impending celebration and the unresolved feelings I had for Trevor. The joyful chatter about games and decorations buzzed around me, but my heart felt heavy with uncertainty. I watched Amy, her face alight with excitement as she animatedly discussed balloon colors and cake designs. She suggested a dinosaur theme, and I nodded politely, trying to mirror her enthusiasm while my thoughts drifted elsewhere.
"Do you think Trevor will come?" I ventured, attempting to sound casual, but my pulse quickened as I awaited her response. The mere thought of seeing him again sent a thrill down my spine, intermingled with fear.
Amy's brow furrowed slightly, and I could see her mind working through the implications. "I think he might," she replied carefully. "Daniel mentioned it to him when they were talking yesterday."
A rush of emotions cascaded through me—hope, fear, and a fluttering excitement. Part of me longed to reach out to Trevor, to see if the connection we once had still lingered beneath the surface. Another part recoiled at the thought. What if things hadn't changed? What if seeing him re-opened old wounds that I had only just begun to stitch up?
While I watched Amy pour over the party plans, I felt the weight of my own uncertainties. It was as if my heart was tied to a fragile thread—one I wasn't sure I was ready to pull on. I took a sip of my coffee, the warmth soothing yet insufficient to quell the turmoil brewing inside me. With every laugh and every cheer from Amy, I grappled with the tension of wanting to believe in a future while being tethered to the ghosts of my past. The conversation drifted back to cake flavors and party games, but I found it hard to concentrate. My thoughts kept circling back to Trevor and the way his smile used to light up a room. I felt a strange mix of longing and dread. What if he came to the party? What if he didn't? The possibilities loomed like dark clouds overhead, threatening to overshadow the cheerful plans we were making.
"Ellie, are you okay?" Amy's voice pulled me back to the present, concern etched across her features. "You've been awfully quiet."
"Yeah, just... thinking," I replied, forcing a smile that didn't quite reach my eyes. "It's just a lot to plan, you know?" I tried to brush it off, but I knew I wasn't fooling her.
"If it's about Trevor, you can talk to me." She leaned in closer, her tone softening.
I hesitated, my heart pounding at the idea of being vulnerable. "I just... I worry about him. I mean, I want him to be okay, but... what if this is all just a front? What if he's still the same person he was before?" The words tumbled out before I could stop them, revealing the rawness I had tried to conceal.
Amy nodded, her expression serious. "He's fighting for his life, and for his sobriety. You have to give him that chance."
Her words resonated, but a part of me couldn't shake the fear that lingered in my heart. "What if I open myself up again, and it all falls apart? I can't go through that kind of pain again."
"Trust your instincts. If you feel he's changed, then maybe it's worth exploring that possibility. Just don't shut the door completely," Amy urged, her voice steady and reassuring.
I sighed, running a hand through my hair. The weight of uncertainty hung heavily around me. "It's just that... I still love him, Amy. I never stopped. But I don't know if I can trust him again."
"Then take your time. There's no rush. Just focus on the party for now." She grinned, attempting to lighten the mood. "And maybe the theme for the cake can be dinosaurs fighting for love?"
I laughed softly, grateful for her efforts to lift my spirits. "Only if they have a happy ending."
We continued planning Avery's birthday, and a flicker of hope ignited within me. Maybe Trevor's journey wasn't just his alone to walk. Perhaps, if the stars aligned just right, there could be room for both of us to heal.
"What if he doesn't show?" I asked, more to myself than to Amy. The thought of waiting for him, hoping he would walk through the door, made my stomach twist. I'd already braced myself for disappointment in so many ways.
"He's been working hard on himself, Ellie," Amy replied, her voice steady and reassuring. "He wouldn't want to miss a chance to see you."
"Yeah, I guess," I murmured, pretending to be more interested in the list of snacks we were compiling. But the truth was, I felt as if I were standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down at the unknown. My heart was caught between the desire to leap and the instinct to retreat.
"Did you see Trevor on that talk show?" I asked, keeping my tone light, my heart racing at the thought of his words.
Amy's eyes lit up, and she nodded. "Yeah, I caught part of it. He looked good, right?"
I swallowed hard, hesitating. "He mentioned a woman he loves. Do you have any idea who he was talking about?"
Amy paused, a flicker of surprise crossing her face before she shook her head. "He didn't mention anyone to me."
"Really?" I felt a strange mixture of hope and dread. "I just... I couldn't help but wonder."
Then, the realization hit her, and her eyes widened. "Oh my God, Ellie. Wait. You're telling me you didn't know?"
"What?" I asked, my pulse quickening. "What do you mean?"
"It's you, Ellie," she said, her voice tinged with disbelief. "He was talking about you. I thought you knew."
The words hung in the air, heavy and electric. My breath caught in my throat, and I felt as if the ground beneath me had shifted. "Me?" I managed to whisper, my mind racing to process this revelation. "But he didn't say my name. He didn't even hint at it."
"He didn't want to put pressure on you," Amy explained, her eyes earnest. "I've heard how he talks about you. It's always been you, Ellie. Even when he messed up, you were the one he cared about."
A mix of emotions flooded over me—joy, confusion, and a pang of hurt. I felt a flicker of hope igniting, but it was immediately overshadowed by the memories of pain he had caused. "I just don't want to get hurt again," I admitted, my voice trembling.
"You won't know unless you give it a chance," she said gently. "You deserve happiness, Ellie. Don't let fear hold you back."
I took a deep breath, letting her words settle in my heart. Maybe she was right.
That night I sat alone on the edge of my bed, the weight of the revelation crashed down on me like a tidal wave. Trevor had been talking about me. After all this time, all the hurt and the distance, he still thought of me—still loved me. It felt surreal, like a dream I had been too afraid to hope for. My heart raced, caught in a storm of emotions I thought I had buried deep.
For six years, I had pushed those feelings aside, telling myself it was better to forget. I had tried to convince myself that moving on was the only way to heal, but hearing him on that talk show, seeing the sincerity in his eyes as he spoke of love and redemption, all those suppressed feelings flooded back, raw and unfiltered. Memories of laughter and warmth intertwined with haunting echoes of late-night phone calls, frantic moments, and the paralyzing fear of losing him to the darkness that had once consumed him.
What terrified me most was the idea of facing that pain again. The overdoses, the lies, the nights I spent wondering if I would ever get that call—the one no one wants to receive. Those memories were still fresh, etched into my mind like scars. I had rebuilt my life, found a sense of peace, and created a safe world for Maddy. I couldn't let the shadows of my past threaten that, but deep down, I missed him. I missed his laugh, his smile, and the way he made me feel like I was the center of his universe. I still loved him, and that scared me more than anything. What if I reached out, only to find he hadn't changed? What if this was just another act, a fleeting moment of clarity before he fell back into the abyss? Could I handle that heartbreak again?
I wanted to believe in the possibility of a new beginning, but the risk felt too great. I couldn't let him break my heart again, especially not with Maddy in the picture. She deserved stability, love, and a mother who wouldn't be unraveling over a man who is addicted to drugs.
I lay back against my pillows, and the weight of uncertainty pressed down on me. I wanted to hold onto hope, but fear clung to my heart like a shadow. Could I truly allow myself to feel again? Could I let Trevor back into my life without losing everything I had fought so hard to build? The answers felt like they were just out of reach, swirling in the chaos of my mind.