Heal Me

17

Saturday dawned bright and clear. It was the kind of day that seemed to invite adventure. Maddy had barely contained her excitement since breakfast. Her chatter about bowling filling the house with a joyful energy that was hard to resist. I was excited too, but deep down, a mix of nerves simmered beneath the surface. Today marked my first real interaction with Trevor since Avery's birthday party, and I couldn't shake the feeling that it could change everything.
At the bowling alley, the atmosphere buzzed with the sounds of clattering pins, laughter, and the clinking of bowling balls. Maddy's eyes sparkled as she took in the colorful lights and vibrant décor, her enthusiasm palpable. "Look, Mommy!" She exclaimed, tugging at my hand with all her might.
We navigated through the crowd, and soon enough, I spotted Trevor at the snack counter. He looked good—healthier than I remembered, with a warm smile that lit up his face when he saw us. My heart fluttered at the sight, but I felt a wave of anxiety crash over me. Would he still feel the same way? Would I?
"Hey there, kiddo!" Trevor said, crouching down to meet Maddy's gaze as he handed her an apple juice. Maddy's face lit up, and she took it eagerly, her joy radiating like sunshine.
"Hi, Trevor!" she chirped, then glanced at me, her excitement bubbling over.
As Trevor turned to me, that same warmth was reflected in his eyes. "Hey, Ellie," he said, his voice steady yet laced with an emotion that sent my heart racing.
"Hi," I replied, trying to keep my tone light while a whirlwind of thoughts spun through my mind.
Before I could process anything further, Maddy grabbed Trevor's hand, her small fingers intertwining with his. "Come on, Trevor! Let's get our shoes!" she exclaimed, pulling him toward the shoe counter with an eagerness I hadn't expected. It shocked me that she was so comfortable with him; Maddy usually took her time warming up to new people.
Trevor chuckled, his eyes glimmering with amusement and delight. "Alright," he replied, his enthusiasm matching hers.
I trailed behind them, half-wondering if I should intervene, but watching Maddy engage with him so easily filled me with a sense of relief. Maybe this was a sign that things could be different this time around. As they approached the shoe counter, I struggled to focus on anything but the emotions swirling within me. Trevor glanced back, and we locked eyes for a moment. The air between us felt thick with unspoken words, and I could feel the past hovering just behind us like a shadow.
"Which size does she wear?" Trevor asked, turning his attention back to me.
"She's a size four," I replied, shaking myself from my thoughts. It felt strange to be discussing something so mundane with him, yet it also felt comforting.
Once Maddy had her shoes on, she bounced up and down, her excitement infectious. "Let's go bowl!" she cheered, taking Trevor's hand again. He didn't hesitate this time, walking beside her with a natural ease that made my heart swell.
We made our way to the bowling lanes, and I couldn't shake the thought that this could be a pivotal moment for all of us. Maddy's unfiltered joy was a reminder of the innocence of childhood, but it also stirred the complexities of my feelings for Trevor. Could I really allow myself to trust him again after everything we had been through?
At our assigned lane, Maddy picked out a bright pink bowling ball adorned with sparkles, her face alight with glee. She lined up her first shot, laughter spilling from her as she prepared to roll. Trevor watched her with an intensity that made my heart race, a mixture of admiration and longing etched on his face.
"Okay, Maddy, remember to aim for the middle!" he said, kneeling beside her to give some tips. I watched as he engaged with her, a side of him that felt familiar yet new. It struck me how natural he looked in this role—kind, attentive, and completely present.
While Maddy focused on rolling the ball, I took a step back, leaning against the wall to observe. There was a comfort in watching them together, yet a part of me felt exposed. I had been so guarded since everything had fallen apart, but here I was, teetering on the edge of what could be.
After Maddy's turn, she turned to me, eyes sparkling with excitement, "Mommy, look! I got a strike!"
"That was amazing, sweetie!" I cheered, ruffling her hair. I glanced back at Trevor, our eyes met again, and I felt a rush of emotions—hope, fear, and the faintest flicker of possibility.
We returned our shoes and left the bowling alley, the evening air enveloped us like a warm hug. Maddy was buzzing with energy, recounting her favorite moments of the day as we made our way to the car. I felt a flutter of nerves and excitement as I glanced sideways at Trevor. He was walking close, the glow of the parking lot lights catching the hints of a smile playing on his lips.
"Thanks for coming with us today," I said, breaking the silence that hung between us.
"Are you kidding? I had a blast," he replied, his voice genuine. He glanced down at Maddy, who was bouncing with excitement, and then back at me.
I turned to Trevor, feeling bold and a little reckless. "Want to join us at the zoo next weekend?"
The surprise that flickered across Trevor's face was unmistakable. "You really want me to come?"
"Of course! It'll be fun," I said, trying to mask the nervous tremor in my voice. "You can help Maddy find the best animals."
Trevor hesitated for just a moment, his brow furrowing slightly as he processed my invitation. "I'd love that. I really would."
As Maddy climbed into the backseat, Trevor turned to me, a hopeful glimmer in his eyes. "Is it okay if I call you sometime? You know, to plan it all out?"
"I'd like that," I replied, my heart racing at the thought.
I pulled into the driveway, the comforting familiarity of home wrapped around me like a warm blanket. Maddy was already half-asleep in the backseat, her little head bobbing as I gently shook her awake. "Hey, sweet girl, we're home," I whispered, trying not to disturb her too much.
Maddy blinked up at me, her eyes heavy with sleep. "Did we have fun, Mommy?" she murmured, a sleepy smile creeping onto her face.
"Yes, we did! You were an amazing bowler," I replied, unbuckling her seatbelt and lifting her into my arms. She snuggled into me, her warmth grounding me after the excitement of the evening.
I settled her into bed and tucked her favorite stuffed dinosaur under her arm. I paused for a moment, watching her drift back to sleep. My heart swelled with happiness at the sight. As I quietly left her room, I felt a mix of anticipation and nerves bubbling within me. I made my way into the kitchen and set the kettle on for tea. While I waited for the water to boil, I grabbed my phone and dialed Amy's number, feeling the urge to share every detail of my day.
"Hey, Ellie! How was it?" Amy's voice was bright and welcoming.
"It was really nice," I replied, my heart racing at the thought of recounting the evening. "Maddy had a blast, and... well, so did I."
"Tell me everything!" she urged, and I could almost hear her leaning in, eager for the details.
I took a deep breath, the warmth of the kettle steaming the air around me. "Trevor was really great with Maddy. She just... took to him, you know? It was surprising."
"That's amazing!" Amy exclaimed, her excitement palpable. "What happened next?"
I poured the hot water into my favorite mug, the steam rising gently. "I asked him to come to the zoo with us next weekend."
There was a brief pause on the other end of the line. "Wow, Ellie. That's a big step! How do you feel about that?"
"I'm nervous but... also kind of excited," I admitted, my fingers tracing the rim of the mug. "He asked if he could call me, and I said yes. I want to give this a chance, but I still feel a little scared, you know? I don't want to go through what we did before."
"I totally understand," Amy said, her voice steady and supportive. "But it sounds like you're both in a different place now. And you deserve this chance, Ellie. I have a good feeling about it."
"I hope you're right," I said, feeling a flicker of hope ignite within me. "I really do."
"I know I am," she replied, her confidence lifting my spirits. "Just take it one step at a time. You've got this."
Sitting in the quiet of my kitchen, the remnants of the day's excitement still buzzing in my veins, I took a moment to breathe. The warmth of my tea was soothing, but it was the warmth in my heart that felt truly transformative.  After all this time—after the heartbreak, the chaos, the healing—I finally felt ready to face the truth of my feelings for Trevor. It had been a rollercoaster, a tangled web of love and pain that I thought would never untangle, but today, something shifted. I realized that I could allow myself to feel hopeful again.
Trevor had always held a piece of my heart, even in the darkest times. Seeing him today, watching the way he interacted with Maddy, reminded me of the connection we once had. It was still there, buried beneath layers of hurt, but it was real. I could feel it pulsing with possibility. Yes, I was scared. Scared of falling back into old patterns, of being hurt again, of watching him struggle, but I couldn't let that fear hold me back any longer. Life was too short, too precious, to live in the shadows of what-ifs. I wanted to explore this new chapter, to see where it might lead us, even if it meant risking my heart once more.