Heal Me

11

A month had passed since the divorce was finalized, and for the first time in a long time, I felt a sense of peace wrapping around me like a warm blanket. Maddy and I were thriving, carving out a new life that felt full of promise. Every morning, I'd wake up to the sound of Maddy's laughter as she played with her toys, the morning light spilling into our small but cozy home. I found us a small house on a quiet street, with a backyard that was perfect for her to run around in. The walls were adorned with her crayon drawings, and the air smelled of fresh paint and new beginnings.
At work, I had started being assigned more complex cases, diving into legal research and drafting motions that challenged me in the best possible way. My boss had taken notice of my dedication, and with every project I completed, I felt more confident in my abilities. It was fulfilling to know that I was contributing to something meaningful, something that could help others navigate their struggles.
Maddy was thriving too. She was making new friends at her school, her shy smile blossoming into a wide grin whenever I picked her up. Every afternoon, she'd come bounding out of the building, her backpack swinging wildly behind her, excitedly recounting her adventures with her new friends. I loved hearing her talk about the games they played, and the stories they shared. It was heartwarming to see her settling in and finding her place.
Amy and Daniel had been incredible, stepping in to help watch Maddy when I had to work late. I could always count on them to pick Maddy up from school or to babysit for a few hours if I needed a break. Their support felt like a lifeline, a safety net that allowed me to focus on my job without the nagging worry of leaving Maddy alone with strangers.
One evening, after a particularly long day at work, I returned home to find Daniel and Maddy in the living room, sprawled out on the floor with a board game between them. Maddy's laughter rang out, a sweet melody that instantly melted away my stress.
"Look, Mom! I won!" she exclaimed, her face glowing with pride.
"Good job, pumpkin!" I said, leaning down to give her a hug.
"Uncle Daniel helped!" she replied, beaming at him.
"Just a little bit," he laughed, ruffling her hair.
Later that night, Maddy and I snuggled up on the couch with a book. She rested her head on my shoulder, and as I read aloud, I marveled at how far we had come. The shadow of the past lingered faintly at the edges, but I refused to let it dim our bright future. Life was good, and I was determined to make the most of every moment with Maddy. We were building something beautiful together, one day at a time.
At work the next day, I felt my phone buzz on my desk. I glanced at the screen and saw a text from Amy: *"Hey! How about you and Maddy come over for dinner tonight"*
A wave of warmth washed over me. It had been a week since we'd all gathered for a meal, and the thought of a cozy dinner filled with laughter was just what I needed.
I quickly typed back, *"Sounds great!*
That evening, as we walked into Amy and Daniel's house, the familiar scent of roasted chicken and herbs filled the air, wrapping around me like a comforting hug. Daniel was in the kitchen, a spatula in one hand and a mischievous grin on his face. "Hey, you two!" he called out, waving us over.
Maddy dashed to the kitchen to give him a hug, and I followed more slowly, feeling a mix of warmth and an unfamiliar twinge in my chest. It was one of those nights when everything seemed perfect—like a snapshot of a life I used to dream about.
We all settled at the dinner table, and the conversation flowed easily. Maddy chattered about her new friends, and I shared a few stories from work. Everything felt normal, but just beneath the surface, I couldn't shake the feeling of inadequacy creeping in. Right as we were finishing dinner, Amy looked at us with a radiant smile that lit up her face. "I have some news," she said, her eyes sparkling with excitement.
"What is it?" I asked, my heart racing, half-expecting a small surprise or an announcement about a new project.
"I'm pregnant!" she declared, her voice bursting with joy.
The room fell silent for a split second before Maddy squealed in her chair, her face beaming with delight. I joined in, clapping and smiling, but inside, my heart twisted a bit. It was genuine happiness for Amy, but there was an undeniable sting of jealousy mingling with it. As the initial excitement settled, I found myself grappling with feelings I didn't want to acknowledge. Amy's life was unfolding like a beautiful story, filled with love and family, while I was navigating the chaos of single motherhood. I loved Maddy more than anything, but there were moments when the weight of my reality pressed down on me, and I couldn't help but wonder what my life could have been.
"I'm so happy for you, Amy," I said, forcing a bright smile. "You're going to be an amazing mom."
"Thank you! I'm really excited," she replied, her enthusiasm infectious. Then she leaned in a bit, her expression shifting to one of concern. "I can see it in your eyes, Ellie. What's going through that head of yours?"
I hesitated, not wanting to admit my vulnerability. "It's just a lot to take in," I finally said, trying to keep my voice steady.
"Ellie," she said softly, "You're doing incredible things. You've built a life for you and Maddy. You're thriving in your job, and she's so happy here. That's what matters."
"But it's hard not to feel a bit... left behind," I confessed, my voice barely above a whisper. "You have everything I once dreamed of—a stable family, a future that feels certain."
"Hey," she said, reaching across the table to grasp my hand, "you're building your own future. It may not look the way you expected, but it's still yours. And it's beautiful."
Her reassurance washed over me like a balm, soothing some of the raw edges of my insecurities. I nodded, absorbing her words, and squeezed her hand in gratitude.
"Let's celebrate your pregnancy, shall we?" I said, forcing a brighter tone. "I want to hear all about your plans."
"Absolutely!" Amy exclaimed, her smile returning.
After we cleared away the last remnants of dinner, I settled back into my chair, stealing glances at Maddy as she colored at the table. She was completely absorbed in her drawing, her small hands gripping the crayon as she filled the page with vibrant colors. The soft scratch of the crayon against the paper was a comforting sound, a reminder that joy could still be found in the simplest moments.
"I have some news about Trevor," Daniel said, breaking into my thoughts. His tone shifted, becoming serious. "He's in rehab."
The mention of his name sent a chill down my spine, my heart freezing for a moment. Memories of our time together flooded back—moments of laughter, intimacy, and love, now shadowed by betrayal. "Oh," I replied, my voice barely above a whisper. "How's he doing?"
Daniel leaned back in his chair, his expression a mix of hope and concern. "He's taking it seriously this time. He's really committed himself to the process and is doing well."
A swell of pride surged within me, but it quickly battled with the hurt he had caused. "That's... good to hear," I managed, though the words felt heavy on my tongue. "It still doesn't mean that I can forgive him for what he did."
Daniel's gaze softened as he regarded me, understanding etched in his features. "I know it's complicated, Ellie. What he put you through was devastating, but maybe this is a step toward healing—not just for him, but for you, too."
I shook my head, the weight of the past pressing heavily on my chest. "It's hard to believe he can change after everything that happened."
"Of course it is," Daniel said gently. "You loved him deeply, and it's natural to still have feelings for him, even if you're angry."
The truth of his statement struck a chord, and I fought back tears. "It feels so complicated. I wish I could just move on, but there's still a part of me that loves him, even after everything that happened."
Daniel nodded, understanding etched on his face. "You don't have to forget those feelings. It's okay to hold onto the good memories while also protecting yourself from the hurt. You're a remarkable person, Ellie, and you deserve to be happy."
His words wrapped around me like a warm embrace, but the truth lingered heavily in the air. I might not be able to forgive Trevor just yet, but the love I still felt for him was undeniable. I was determined to keep moving forward for Maddy's sake, but the path ahead felt fraught with complexity. As I watched her color, I realized that my heart was still learning to navigate the intricate landscape of love and loss, a journey filled with both hope and uncertainty.
We went home after dessert, and I got Maddy into bed. I stared blankly at the wall in the living room, reflecting on the evening with Amy and Daniel. DMy mind drifted to Trevor. Hearing about his progress in rehab had stirred something deep inside me. Part of me felt proud of him, but another part—a part I tried to ignore—still ached from the memories of our past. I loved him, despite everything. The hurt he caused was still fresh, but I couldn't shake the flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, he could turn things around.
I wrapped my arms around my knees, feeling the weight of it all. I wanted to believe in second chances, for him and for me. But as I sat there, the silence in the room echoed my uncertainty. Would I ever be able to fully trust him again? And how would I balance my feelings for him with my new life, my responsibilities as a mother?