Like autumn leaves

If You're Still Alive

"There's been a slight spike in brain activity."

Winter and Reece stiffened, exchanging looks. "Really?" Reece asked, daring to sound hopeful. Winter's eyes flicked to the Autumn sitting in the window, watching the rain.

The doctor nodded, indicating a few spikes in the print out he was holding. "She was showing some signs of awareness when the physical therapist was in today."

"That's good, right?" Winter asked.

"It's an improvement. It shows she's moving in the right direction."

Reece looked at his battered sister and carefully squeezed her arm. "Come on, Aut. I know you're not a quitter."

Winter wanted to feel as optimistic as Reece did. But that look in Autumn's eyes was worrying him.

She was waiting in the car for him when he finally left for the night. "Did you feel something?" he asked quietly.

"No." Autumn's voice was flat. Winter wished he could take her hand, run his fingers through her hair, anything. It had been over a month with no touch and no sensation. What was that like? It sounded like torture to him. Even if Autumn didn't always enjoy touch, having the option taken away completely must have been driving her mad.

* * * * *

"I know she wouldn't want to live like this." Winter looked over at Reece, who was watching Autumn with a blank expression. "It's not something we ever talked about, but I know her."

"You're right," Winter said quietly. "We did talk about it. Of course she wouldn't want to... but I can't. I can't give up on her yet."

"Me neither," Reece admitted. "I don't know how she expects us to make that choice."

Winter looked around the room, but Autumn was nowhere to be seen aside from in the hospital bed. "I'm sure she'd have a lot to say if she knew we were struggling with it."

Reece laughed a little. "I'm sure she'd be kicking me in the shin. She was always the decision maker. We talked once about like, what we'd do if Dad was on life support — I think we saw something on TV. We weren't just randomly discussing Dad dying. Anyway I said I didn't know if I'd ever be able to choose to kill Dad. And Autumn said, without any hesitation, 'I would.' And I believe she really would."

"She absolutely would," Winter agreed, smiling a bit despite himself. "But we're not her. I'm sure she would understand that."

"Yeah." Reece was silent for a few moments. "Winter?"

"Hm?"

"Whatever happens with Autumn... you're still family. I know it's not a great family, and at this point I think it's mostly just me and Marjorie..."

"I know," Winter assured Reece. "Thank you."

Reece smiled. "Yeah. Of course."

* * * * *

Winter felt like he was just going through the motions during the week. He loved his job, but it felt so hollow and empty knowing he was going home alone every night. He still hadn't figured out the bloody auto feeder, and Cadaver made his displeasure at late meals known every time Winter walked into the house.

The cat was winding around his ankles now, meowing incessantly and louder with each angry noise.

"For the love of god!" Winter finally snapped when he tripped over Cadaver on his way to the kitchen. "Can you just stop?!"

Cadaver immediately bolted up the stairs. He wasn't used to loud noises. Autumn had never raised her voice.

Winter stayed in the kitchen door, staring up the stairs, guilt welling in his chest. He couldn't even take care of a cat by himself. Maybe it was for the best they never had a child. "I'm sorry," he said quietly.

"He's stressful sometimes," Autumn said. "It's okay."

"It's not just him." Winter turned to see Autumn leaning against the counter, watching him with sad eyes. "It's everything. How am I supposed to live without you?"

"You'd find a way." She sounded so sure of that. "You're strong, Winter."

"I can't even take care of your cat without you."

Autumn smiled a small, sad smile. "Download the app. My username is aknight, and the password is CadaverBlackCat-two-zero-one-eight. First letter in each word is capitalized."

Winter almost laughed. "That's definitely not the password I would have guessed."

"I use stronger passwords for things that need them."

Winter downloaded the app, signed in, and dispensed the food. Cadaver slowly came back down, peeking into the kitchen. Autumn knelt by the bowl as he approached. He couldn't see her, as far as they knew, but her presence still seemed to offer some comfort as he started eating.

"See? You can figure it out."

Maybe he could. But he didn't want to. He wanted Autumn by his side. They had vowed till death do us part. But death wasn't supposed to come this soon.

* * * * *

Autumn's brain activity had been improving steadily, the doctor told Reece, Marjorie, and Winter when they arrived Saturday morning. She was doing well. Well enough to consider taking her off life support to see if she could breathe on her own.

Reece was nervous about it, unsurprisingly. So was Winter. Marjorie tried to be optimistic about it, but she wasn't good at hiding her own anxiety. Autumn was standing on the other side of the bed, hovering over her body like an eerie specter. If she had an opinion on this, her expression wasn't giving it away.

"What do you think?" Reece asked, looking at Winter. He closed his eyes and took a breath, thinking it over.

"What happens if we take her off life support and it doesn't work?"

"We can restart it," the doctor said. "It may be a little soon, but these results are encouraging."

Winter nodded hesitantly. "Okay." He looked at Reece. "Okay?"

Reece nodded. "Yeah. Okay."

Marjorie took Reece's hand and squeezed tight while the doctor worked, getting Autumn ready to be taken off life support. Winter looked at the Autumn standing over the bed, trying to find some hint of her feelings somewhere in her expression or body language. But there was none. And Winter couldn't ask with Reece and Marjorie in the room.

"Winter?" he looked over at Marjorie, who was giving him a sympathetic look. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." He twisted his ring on his finger and dropped his gaze to the injured Autumn in the bed. "I'm fine."

Finally, it was time. "Ready?" the doctor asked. Reece and Winter exchanged looks and nodded in unison. Marjorie wrapped both her arms around one of Reece's and hugged him close. Winter was still playing with his ring. They watched, holding their breaths, as the doctor turned off the machines. The silence echoed through room.

A cry that only Winter heard split through the air. His eyes snapped up to see Autumn doubling over, clutching her head. Winter's heart jumped into his throat.

And then she disappeared.