Like autumn leaves

These Sorrows I Have Seen

Autumn's eyes shot open.

She was lying on the floor of the hospital room, next to the bed her... body was still in. That was probably a good sign. She stood shakily, staring at herself. A few less tubes, including one no longer down her throat. She looked a little less like she was on death's door. That was good, right?

She thought back to the moment when the doctor had turned off the machine. Pain had roared to life and consumed her body like fire, burning right down to her bones. Looking at herself now made her wonder if that was the pain waiting for her when — if — she woke up.

Winter.

He needed to know she was okay — mostly. She was still here. He was probably terrified.

The house was dark, save for a light in the den, when Autumn appeared in it. She went straight to the den and found Winter sitting on the couch, quietly nursing a glass of whiskey as a record spun on the record player.

Wise men say...

Only fools rush in...

Oh.

Winter and Autumn weren't the type of couple to hear a song and declare it their song. But if they were, this would certainly be one of them. They'd been in the kitchen together, making dinner, the first time they heard it. Winter had immediately dropped what he was working on and grabbed Autumn, pulling her to the middle of the floor for a dance.

"Winter," she had laughed, partially startled by the sudden movement. "What are you doing?"

"I can't help it," he had replied dramatically. "Whenever I hear this song, I have to dance."

They had danced in place, swaying in their own world as the song played.

Like a river flows

Surely to the sea

Darling, so it goes

Some things are meant to be

Winter had sung along to the last line, then leaned in to kiss Autumn. It was the moment Autumn had started believing in soulmates.

"Winter," Autumn whispered, stepping forward. She stopped when he didn't immediately respond or react. "Winter?"

He sighed, taking a sip of his drink. Caddie was curled up next to him, asleep. Winter dropped a hand down to pet his ears.

"Winter." Autumn raised her voice a bit, trying not to panic. Why couldn't he hear her?

Take my hand

Take my whole life too...

"Maybe I made a mistake," Winter said suddenly. Autumn perked up, thinking he was finally responding to her. "Or maybe I should have let her go sooner."

Autumn's heart dropped. "Winter," she tried again, voice weak. Nothing. And when he looked up, he was staring right through her. Just everyone else.

"I don't know if she's coming back, Caddie. I really, really don't."

* * * * *

Autumn had thought the day her mother left was the worst day of her life. She had stood outside of school with Reece, holding his hand, waiting for her to come and get them. Eventually someone had brought them back in, and after an even longer time Roger had finally come to retrieve them. And in the car, when Autumn asked where Mummy was, he had snapped that she was never coming home.

And there was prom night. Sitting alone in her room, sobbing quietly over her brother's betrayal. Alone with no one to turn to now. She had looked out her bedroom earlier to see Mia leading Reece away, and knew she had chosen her side. And it wasn't Autumn. It was never Autumn. No one ever chose Autumn.

It was many, many years later before that day was replaced. A day where she sat in a hospital room, clinging to Winter's hand and waiting for someone to tell them if their baby was still alive. But she had already known the truth. She wasn't meant to have good things.

And here she was once more, looking at the last thing she had left lose — her own life.

She was sitting beside her hospital bed, staring at her pale, sallow face. She had already lost so much. And even if she woke up now, there would be so much work to do. Was Autumn strong enough for that? She certainly didn't feel it at that moment.

The door opened, stirring Autumn out of her musings. Reece was shockingly early — visiting hours had barely begun. She thought she had a little more time.

Reece dropped into the empty chair closer to the door, hands in his pockets, staring dismally at Autumn. She turned away from him, closing her eyes.

"I'm going to ask Marjorie to marry me." Autumn blinked, stunned, and looked back at her brother. "I've been planning it for awhile. Got the ring and everything. Before the accident, obviously. And you know it'd be really... really great if you could wake up and be around for it. I need a best man. And Marjorie needs to scream at someone. And you'll basically be her sister, so you should be there for that."

He reached out to squeeze Autumn's hand. And she swore for a moment she could actually feel it. "And if you can't be... I get it. And it's okay. It'll be hard, but... we'll be okay."

No one ever chose Autumn.

But Reece had, hadn't he? He had chosen to protect her, even at the expense of their relationship. He had chosen to come back for her.

Winter had chosen her once, and then again and again and again. He had taken her hand to dance with her in the kitchen, he held her as they both grieved, he had loved her. He loved her so much and made sure she felt it every single day. She had never questioned him. Not once.

And the rest of the nursery staff had chosen her, despite everything. Marjorie had encouraged her to redirect her anger and use it on the parents. They had all depended on her to protect them more than once. They had protected her in turn when she needed it. Sorscha had given her name to her daughter. They were her family. They had chosen her when she truly didn't deserve it.

So many people had chosen her. So many people loved her.

Autumn looked at herself, then at Reece again. "I'll try," she promised quietly.