The Golden Boy

17-Love's Fraying Threat

The next morning, everything felt heavy. My body, my thoughts, even the air around me-it was like the world had slowed down, pressing in from all sides. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, the events from last night replaying over and over in my head like some kind of messed-up movie I couldn't stop watching.

Jaxon, Asher, Liam-they'd looked at me like I was a ghost. Something that was once there but had already disappeared. I'd pushed them away. I had to. But now, in the cold light of morning, with the weight of everything crushing me, it didn't feel like the victory I had convinced myself it was.

My phone buzzed on the nightstand, snapping me out of my thoughts. I ignored it at first, but it kept buzzing, persistent like the ache in my chest I couldn't shake. I sighed and reached for it, my hand shaking a little as I swiped the screen.

Lila.

Her name flashed across the screen, and for a moment, I froze. It felt like forever since I'd heard from her, even though it had only been a day. Maybe it was longer. Everything was a blur lately.

I stared at the message notification, a part of me wanting to throw the phone across the room. I couldn't deal with this. Not now. Not when I was barely holding it together. But my thumb moved on its own, opening the message.

"Ryder, can we talk?"

I felt my chest tighten, my heart thudding in a dull, anxious rhythm. I didn't want to talk. Talking meant facing her, facing the lies, facing everything I'd been avoiding. But at the same time, a part of me craved her. Needed her. She was the only thing left that felt even remotely real.

The phone buzzed again before I could respond.

"I'm worried about you."

My breath hitched, and I stared at the words on the screen. Worried. That word. It always felt so loaded, so wrapped up in things I couldn't deal with. Lila had always been the one who saw past the surface, the one who could pull me out of my own mess, even when I didn't want her to. But now? I wasn't sure she could handle what I'd become. I wasn't sure I wanted her to.

Before I could stop myself, my fingers were typing.

"I'm fine."

I stared at the message, feeling the lie sink in like poison. My phone buzzed almost immediately after.

"You're not. Please, Ryder. Don't shut me out."

The familiar tug of guilt twisted in my gut, and I hated it. I hated that she still cared, hated that she was the only one left who hadn't completely given up on me yet. But I also hated the thought of dragging her down with me. Because that's where I was headed-down. Fast. And if she stuck around, I knew I'd take her with me.

Another message came through.

"I want to help you, but I can't do this if you won't be honest with me. I need you to be real with me, Ryder."

Real.

I didn't even know what that meant anymore. What was real? The guy she thought she knew? The guy everyone at school looked up to? That wasn't real. That was just a mask I'd worn for so long, even I had started believing it. The real me? The one who craved the high more than anything else? The one who was too afraid to face himself in the mirror? I didn't want her to see that.

But I couldn't ignore her, not this time.

"I don't know if I can."

There was a long pause before she responded, and each second felt like a knife twisting in my chest. When the message finally came, I could almost hear her voice in the words, soft and trembling.

"Ryder... I can't keep doing this. You need help. Real help. I love you, but I have to take care of myself too. Please, let me in or I have to walk away for good."

The words slammed into me like a sledgehammer. I sat up in bed, the room spinning as the weight of her message hit me. Walk away. For good.

She'd already left once, but this... this was different. This wasn't just a fight. This wasn't just her needing space. This was an ultimatum.

I squeezed my eyes shut, pressing the heels of my palms into them like I could block out the world if I pressed hard enough. I could feel the walls closing in, the pressure building. If I lost her, what did I have left? What was there to hold on to? But if I let her stay, if I let her in... she'd see everything. Every ugly, broken piece of me.

She deserved better than that. She deserved better than me.

I typed out a response, my heart pounding in my ears.

"I don't want to hurt you."

I didn't hit send. I stared at the message, my thumb hovering over the screen, unsure if I was telling her the truth or just another version of it.

Because the truth was, I didn't want to hurt her-but I was hurting her. I was destroying everything around me, and no matter how much I told myself I could stop, that I could fix it, I knew deep down that I couldn't. Not like this.

I deleted the message.

I stood up, pacing the room, my hands pulling at my hair as my mind raced. What was I supposed to do? Push her away for good, like I had with everyone else? Or let her stay, knowing she'd get dragged into my mess until there was nothing left?

Another message came through, breaking the silence in the room.

"I'm here, Ryder. I'm not going to abandon you. But you have to let me help you."

I wanted to believe her. God, I wanted to believe that she could pull me out of this, that her love could fix the pieces I couldn't put back together. But that was the problem. Love wasn't enough. Not when I couldn't even love myself enough to stop.

I stared at my phone, my chest tight, my hands shaking. And in that moment, I made a decision.

I typed out one final message.

"I'm sorry, Lila. I can't do this. I'm not who you think I am."

I hit send.

Then, without giving myself time to second-guess it, I turned off my phone and tossed it onto the bed. The silence that followed felt louder than anything I'd ever experienced before.

And I realized that maybe, just maybe, I had finally pushed away the last person who could save me.