The Golden Boy

18-Dark Nights, Darker Thoughts

By the time the sun set, the weight of the day had settled into my bones, pulling me down like I was sinking into quicksand. The house was quiet-too quiet-and I couldn't escape the gnawing feeling in my chest. It was the kind of quiet that filled every corner, every crack, until it was unbearable. I tried to push it away, tried to distract myself, but the silence wouldn't leave me alone.

I sat on the floor of my bedroom, knees pulled up to my chest, staring at the empty bottle of pills in front of me. I hadn't meant to take the last of them, but it happened so fast. I didn't even think about it. It was automatic now-numb the pain, drown the thoughts. But now that the bottle was empty, the high fading, I felt raw. Every nerve was on fire, and the familiar feeling of panic clawed at my throat.

I couldn't breathe.

I pressed my palms to my face, trying to steady my breathing, but it wasn't working. Nothing was working. The world felt like it was closing in on me, tighter and tighter, until I couldn't tell where I ended and the panic began.

I thought about what I'd said to Lila. How I'd just... let her go. She was the last good thing in my life, the last person who hadn't given up on me. But I'd pushed her away, just like I pushed everyone else away. And now I was alone. Completely and utterly alone.

The darkness inside me was growing, expanding, swallowing me whole, and no matter how much I wanted to stop it, I didn't know how.

I stood up too fast, stumbling a little as I made my way to the window. The city was alive out there-cars, people, lights flashing in the distance-but it felt like another world, one I didn't belong to anymore. I pressed my forehead to the cool glass, trying to ground myself, trying to pull myself out of the spiral. But it wasn't working. Nothing worked.

The thoughts came in waves, relentless.

I'm a mess. I'm a failure. They're better off without me.

My heart pounded in my chest, my hands trembling as I backed away from the window, pacing the room like a caged animal. I wanted to scream. I wanted to tear my skin off, to crawl out of my own body and escape this hell I'd created.

I needed something to take the edge off.

My eyes scanned the room, desperate for something-anything-to dull the storm in my head. But I'd already used everything up. The stash was gone, the bottle empty. There was nothing left.

The panic rose in my throat, choking me. I stumbled to my bed and sat down, gripping the edge of the mattress so hard my knuckles turned white. My mind was racing, spinning out of control, and I couldn't catch a single thought before it slipped away, only to be replaced by another darker, more twisted one.

I thought about calling Jaxon. Or maybe Liam. Hell, even Asher. But I couldn't. Not after everything I'd said. Not after how I'd shut them out, screamed at them to leave me alone. I was a ticking time bomb, and I didn't want to hurt them anymore than I already had.

But the loneliness-it was suffocating.

My phone was still on the bed, screen black, as if mocking me. I knew if I turned it on, I'd see Lila's name. I knew she'd probably sent another message, maybe asking if I was okay, maybe offering to talk one more time. But I couldn't face her. I couldn't face any of them. They didn't deserve this. They didn't deserve me.

The ache in my chest grew unbearable, like something was clawing at my insides, trying to tear me apart from the inside out. I squeezed my eyes shut, my body shaking as I tried to fight back the tears that threatened to spill over. But they came anyway, burning hot and relentless.

"I'm sorry," I whispered into the empty room, the words catching in my throat. "I'm so sorry."

But there was no one to hear me. No one to tell me it was okay.

I wiped my face with the back of my hand, frustration bubbling up inside me. I hated feeling this way-weak, out of control. I'd always been the one who kept it together, the one everyone looked up to. But now? Now I was falling apart, and there was no one left to catch me.

I glanced at the empty bottle again, the urge to numb everything creeping back in. If I could just find something-anything-to make it stop. To make the noise in my head go away.

But there was nothing.

I grabbed my phone, my fingers trembling as I swiped the screen. My inbox lit up with unread messages-mostly from Lila, a few from Liam and Jaxon. I could barely bring myself to read them. I didn't deserve their concern. I didn't deserve their friendship.

I opened one of Lila's messages, my eyes scanning the words, but they blurred together.

"I'm worried about you. Please, just let me help you. I know you're going through something, but I don't know how to be there for you if you keep shutting me out."

I swallowed hard, my throat tight. She didn't know. She didn't know how deep I was in. How far gone I really was. And if she did? She'd run. Just like everyone else.

But she hadn't run. She was still here, still trying, even when I didn't deserve it.

I threw the phone down, my heart racing, my breath coming in ragged gasps. The pressure in my chest was unbearable, and I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't do something-anything-to stop it.

I grabbed the edge of the bed and pulled myself up, pacing the room again, my thoughts spiraling. I couldn't do this. I couldn't live like this. The guilt, the shame, the constant need-it was eating me alive.

The darkness was closing in, suffocating me, and for the first time in a long time, I didn't know if I could fight it anymore.

I collapsed onto the bed, my body shaking as I buried my face in my hands.

I was drowning. And there was no one left to save me.

No one but me.