The Golden Boy

4-Beneath the Surface

After Lila walked away, her words lingered in my mind. "What's the rush?" It wasn't the first time someone had asked me that, but it was the first time it felt like a real question-a challenge, almost. She saw something beneath the surface, something I wasn't ready to admit to anyone, least of all myself.

The rest of the day felt like I was on autopilot. I barely paid attention in class, my thoughts tangled up in racing, Lila, and the pills hidden in my jacket pocket. My mind kept replaying our conversation, and each time, her eyes stayed with me-steady, unjudging, like she knew more than she let on. It unnerved me, but in a way, it also made me feel... seen.

By the time the final bell rang, I couldn't shake the unease that had settled in. I made my way to the parking lot where Liam and Jaxon were already waiting by my car, talking animatedly about the next race. Asher wasn't far off, leaning against his motorcycle, tossing a baseball up and down like he didn't have a care in the world.

Jaxon was the first to notice me, his eyes narrowing slightly as I approached. "Dude, you good? You've been kinda off lately."

I forced a grin, masking the unease bubbling beneath the surface. "I'm fine. Just thinking."

Jaxon wasn't buying it. He crossed his arms, his brows pulling together in that way he did when he was trying to read someone. Jaxon wasn't like Liam or Asher-he paid attention to the small details, noticed things that most people overlooked. That's why he was the first to pick up on the fact that something wasn't right with me.

"You sure? 'Cause it's not just today. You've been quiet for a while now. If something's up, you can talk to us, man."

I felt a flicker of irritation, even though I knew he meant well. The last thing I wanted was for Jaxon-or anyone-to start digging into what was really going on with me. They couldn't understand, and I wasn't about to let them in on the mess I'd gotten myself into.

"I told you, I'm fine," I snapped, the smile slipping from my face. "You don't need to play therapist, Jax."

Liam, sensing the tension, stepped in with his usual easygoing laugh. "Chill, Jax. Ryder's probably just thinking about Lila. You see the way he was looking at her earlier?"

I forced a chuckle, relieved for the out. "Yeah, maybe. She's new, and you know how it is-gotta make a good impression."

Jaxon didn't look convinced, but he dropped it for the moment, his gaze lingering on me a second longer before he turned his attention back to Liam. I could tell he wasn't going to let it go that easily, though. Jaxon had always been the most observant of the group, and once he got an idea in his head, he wouldn't stop until he figured out what was going on.

I knew I had to be more careful. I couldn't afford for them to start asking questions, especially now. The pills were already becoming too much of a habit, and the last thing I needed was Jaxon-or anyone else-digging into that.

As we talked about plans for the weekend, Asher eventually joined us, slinging his arm around my shoulder like nothing had happened. "So, what's the plan? Another race, or are we hitting the underground scene again?"

"Race, obviously," Liam said, tossing his keys in the air. "I need a win after last time. Ryder, you in?"

I hesitated for a second, my mind flashing back to the pills in my pocket. The high from racing wasn't cutting it anymore. I felt restless, like I needed something more to feel that rush-the one that made everything else disappear. But I couldn't let them see that.

"Yeah, I'm in," I said finally, nodding. "But I'll smoke all of you, so don't get your hopes up."

The laughter that followed was genuine, and for a brief moment, things felt normal again. Asher and Liam started debating over who had the better car, throwing in playful jabs about each other's skills on the track. But I could feel Jaxon's eyes on me, watching, even as he joined in on the conversation.

Later that night, after the plans were set and the guys headed out, I found myself sitting in my car, staring at the steering wheel. The parking lot was mostly empty now, the sounds of engines fading into the distance. The shadows from the streetlights stretched across the pavement, long and eerie, and for some reason, they felt closer than usual.

I reached into my jacket pocket, my fingers brushing against the bottle of pills. I hadn't taken any today-not yet. I told myself it was because I was trying to cut back, but deep down, I knew it was because I didn't want to slip up in front of the guys. Not in front of Jaxon, especially.

But now, sitting here alone, the weight of everything was pressing down on me-the pressure to keep up appearances, the constant act of pretending everything was fine when it wasn't. I twisted the cap off the bottle and stared at the small white pills in my hand, my heart pounding in my chest.

Just one. Just to take the edge off.

I popped a pill into my mouth, swallowing it dry. The familiar warmth began to spread through my veins almost immediately, easing the tension in my muscles and quieting the chaos in my mind. It wasn't long before the shadows seemed to retreat, and I could finally breathe again.

Leaning back in the seat, I closed my eyes, letting the calm wash over me. For now, everything felt under control.

But deep down, I knew it wouldn't last.

The next day, I tried to keep up the charade, but the moment I walked into school, I could feel Jaxon's eyes on me again. We didn't have the same classes until later in the day, but that didn't stop him from casually dropping by my locker between periods.

"Still thinking?" he asked, his tone light, but his eyes sharp.

I shrugged, giving him the same easy smile I always did. "Always thinking, man. You know me."

He didn't laugh. Instead, he leaned against the locker, crossing his arms again like he was trying to figure out the right words. "Ryder, seriously. If something's going on, just talk to me. I'm not stupid-I can see it."

I wanted to brush him off again, but something about the way he said it got under my skin. He wasn't accusing me, wasn't pushing. But he knew. He could sense that something was off, and it was only a matter of time before he connected the dots.

"I appreciate it, Jax," I said, keeping my voice steady. "But there's nothing to talk about."

For a second, I thought he might push harder, but then he sighed, shaking his head. "Alright. But if you keep shutting us out, we're not going to be able to help when things go south."

I felt a flash of irritation, but before I could respond, he walked away, leaving me standing there with the weight of his words pressing down on me. I knew he wasn't going to drop it. He cared too much.

But no one could help with this. Not Jaxon, not Liam, not Asher.

I was on my own.