War In Shades Of Pink

Chapter 3: Confessions in Silence

NOTES: I don't own the characters. They're all from the "Harry Potter" series. I just try to fill in the gaps with my own imagination.
English is not my first language, so I apologize for any error or mistake.

This chapter takes place a couple of weeks after the passing of Sirius Black.

Sirius was dead. Tonks had barely escaped death herself. Both at the hands of Bellatrix Lestrange. Oh, if only Remus could end her with his own hands. Anger and pain pierced his heart. Tonks lay unconscious and unresponsive in St. Mungo's Hospital, with no predictions for when she would awaken. Lupin visited her every day, speaking to her, even knowing she couldn't hear him... or perhaps primarily because he knew that.

St Mungo's Hospital was steeped in an uncomfortable stillness in the late hours of the afternoon. The scent of potions and the distant murmur of Healers passing through the corridors created a heavy atmosphere, as though the hospital itself bore the weight of the battles being fought beyond its walls.

Remus Lupin walked silently through the corridors, his head bowed, hands buried deep in the pockets of his worn coat. It had been weeks since the last battle at the Ministry of Magic, and yet the pain of losing Sirius was still an open wound. He felt guilty. Guilty for not having done more, guilty for losing yet another friend, another part of his youth. And now, here he was, once again visiting someone dear to him, though he had never admitted the depth of that feeling even to himself.

He arrived at Tonks' room. The Auror lay there, still unconscious, her breathing soft and steady. The Healers said she was improving, but there was no sign yet of when she would wake. Every day he visited, he hoped to see some change. A flutter of her eyelids, a twitch of her fingers. But everything remained the same.

Remus pulled a chair up next to the bed, as he did every day, and sat down heavily. For a moment, he simply watched her, trying to make sense of the storm of emotions inside him. She looked so fragile in this state, a stark contrast to the Tonks he knew: full of life, always laughing, clumsy but constantly lifting spirits when they needed it most.

"Hello, Tonks," he said in a low voice, knowing she couldn't hear him. It was a daily ritual. He talked to her about everything and nothing at all, as if it were a way to keep himself sane amidst so much pain. "Today... the weather's awful outside, not sure if you noticed. Rain, wind... the perfect backdrop for my mood."

He sighed deeply, his hands gripping the arms of the chair.

"Sirius would have hated this place. He's always hated hospitals, even when we were kids. I remember once, James broke his arm during a Quidditch match... Sirius made a right fuss, said it was all unnecessary, that James could just heal himself. But of course, when Sirius got injured, he needed all the attention in the world." Remus chuckled softly, though the laugh died quickly on his lips. "I miss him. More than I can put into words."

The room fell into silence for a few moments, with only the soft sound of Tonks' breathing breaking the stillness. Remus glanced down at her hands, so still. How many times had she made him laugh with her disguises, changing her hair colour and playing with her Metamorphmagus abilities? She was light in a dark world.

"He was always making jokes about the two of us," Remus continued, a melancholic smile touching his lips. "He saw what I refused to admit. He saw it all. Said we were made for each other. I denied it every time, of course. Not because I didn't like you, but... well, you know why."

He stood and began to pace the small room, trying to organise the chaotic thoughts swirling in his mind. The past few months had been an emotional whirlwind, and he had done everything in his power to suppress it. The pain of losing Sirius, the fear of getting close to someone again... and Tonks. Always Tonks.

"If I could have someone in my life..." He stopped pacing and looked at her, his heart pounding in his chest. "If I could, you can be sure I'd choose you. You're the most wonderful creature I know, and you have no idea how much you affect me."

Remus sat back down beside Tonks, his eyes fixed on her pale face. The words kept coming, a confession he'd never imagined making, but now, in this moment, they seemed impossible to hold back.

"Do you remember when I told you about my time at Hogwarts? Well... there was a girl. My first and only crush." He smiled sadly. "She was a vampire, believe it or not. Werewolves and vampires have always been natural enemies, but for some reason, that didn't bother us back then. I was young, foolish... in love. She was a Hufflepuff, bright and clumsy... just like you."

His voice faltered, but he pressed on.

"She was the first and only person I ever kissed. It was all so intense, so pure... but, like everything else in my life, it ended. It always does. That's my curse." He laughed, but there was no humour in it, only bitterness. "I'd never felt my heart race like that again, until you came crashing into my life, as clumsy as ever, and turned it upside down without even realising it."

He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated.

"But it doesn't change anything, does it? What I feel for you is different, it's mature, it's grown-up... but that only makes it harder. Because I know it's impossible. I closed my heart a long time ago. I can't have anyone. I'm dangerous, Tonks. I've hurt people... people who were very important to me. I can't risk doing the same to you."

He sighed deeply, as though the weight of his words had finally been lifted. For a long moment, he just watched her, waiting... for something. But nothing changed. She remained still, unconscious.

"Anyway... I suppose I just needed to say it, though I'm not sure why. Perhaps because I know you didn't hear, and you never will." He stood, ready to leave as he did every day. But as he turned away, he heard a soft sound, almost imperceptible.

He spun around quickly and saw a single tear sliding down Tonks' cheek. The world seemed to stop. His heart raced, panic swelling in his chest.

"Tonks?" He moved closer, his voice filled with both fear and hope. He feared that she had heard him, but hoped she was waking up. "Tonks, did you hear something?"

But she didn't move. The only evidence that something had happened was that solitary tear, glistening against her pale skin.

Remus stood there for a moment, his eyes fixed on her, his mind spinning with that strange mixture of fear and hope. And then reality hit him hard. If she had heard, if she knew how he felt... it would change everything. And he couldn't let that happen. He couldn't risk hurting her.

Without looking back, he hurried out of the room, his heart in a tight knot. He knew he wouldn't return. He couldn't.

But even from a distance, he would still ask about her, always checking on her... always from afar.

And Tonks? When she woke, perhaps she would vaguely remember a dream where a familiar voice confessed everything she had always wanted to hear.