Turn the Page 2: My Destiny

Chapter 21

June

You know that feeling mothers get when they take their newborn home for the first time? Imagine a fragile and vulnerable new addition to the family peacefully taking a much needed sleep after a long journey from their mother's womb to the outside world—I mean—people talk about how exhausted the mother gets after giving birth, but imagine what the baby also had to go through. I'd like to see you try and fit your big head to a fishing bowl and then squeezing your shoulders and your whole body next. No wonder babies' heads get that weird shape after they've successfully made it out. It's exhausting for their tiny bodies too—which is probably why newborn babies sleep most of the time. Anyway, my point is: that moment of peacefulness doesn't usually last long when excited family and friends come running in, gawking, hovering, arguing who gets to hold the baby next. Don't get me wrong though. The welcome committee is great and all, but for the love of God, please let that baby get some much needed sleep.

That's what I feel as I stand by my daughter's grave while watching a bunch of male diggers pile dirt to the side as they dig her out of her resting place. After more than thirty years, we shouldn't be disturbing her peaceful rest. However, I know it has to be done—for all of our sake and sanity. You know what they say: the truth will set you free.

God knows the last thing I'm feeling now is to be free.

"Ma, hindi mo kelangan manood."

The steady flow of my thoughts came to a halt when Page spoke.

"I'll turn my back pag hindi ko na kaya." I promised her.

My daughter's gentle and loving stare pierced my soul. She locked arms with me, and I could feel her shivering. I pulled her closer towards me and rubbed her arms.

Cielo's final resting place is here in Baguio—that partially explains why Page is shivering, but the fact that we were digging up a baby's grave was probably the most to blame. I was shaking, too. The whole process bothered me. It made me extremely anxious. No, it didn't just make me anxious, it terrified me. I tried my hardest not to let my emotions get the best of me. I was all over the place, but I tried not to show it. I was nervous, even angry—but I was mostly sad. Standing by Cielo's grave brought back painful memories—memories that I have worked on stowing away permanently where I have little access. It's the kind of core memory that you wished never made it in front of your brain. The kind of pain this memory triggers is so intense, I feel nauseated. It also didn't help that everything suddenly turned cinematic: like God is the director and He intently set the scene up on a gloomy, cold day. And as if on cue, it started raining just as the grave diggers pulled the tiny little box out from the pit they had just dug.

I automatically shut my eyes despite the fact that I had already turned my back against the scene that was in front of me.

"Mama," I felt Page's cold hands hold on to mine.

"I'm okay," I assured her, though I'm not really sure if that was the truth.

"Hindi mo kelangan tingnan. Let's go over there," she tried to make me come with her, but I froze.

"Juney, halika muna dun sa tabi," May came to the rescue with an umbrella in her hand. "Sige na," she tried to convince me.

"Page, baka magkasakit ka," I said with concern.

"I got her."