Shadows & Stars

Chapter 7: Old self?

~Henry's POV

When Eloise dropped me off at my house last night I went straight to bed as I was tired. I woke up this morning with a hell of a headache. I don't even remember drinking that much? It's probably just an overload of all the events. I wanted to hear how Zach was doing because I felt really bad for him. I know exactly what he's going through. 

"Hey Zach!" I messaged. 

"Hi Henry. I'm so sorry for storming off last night, I just couldn't deal with it."

"Don't be sorry Zach! You did absolutely nothing wrong!"

"I know but I'm still sorry for making a scene."

"I would've done it too. But my dramatic ass would've made an even bigger scene...I love attention, if you hadn't noticed yet😂💀" I tried comforting him.

"😂😂😂" He replied.

I got dressed and went for a morning walk to refresh my head and get some fresh oxygen. I put in my headphones and started walking, taking a few lefts and rights as my head guided me. I thought about the 'mystery man' again. The way his eyes stared at me...The way his lips moved as he spoke very few words...The way his hair waved in the little breeze...The way he demanded my mouth shut with his finger...

I can't think of anything else but our small interactions, and the way we can't be a minute alone without the universe declining us. Every time there is always a little interruption causing us to part. I crave his presence every time I think of him. And it's not because he's hot, he is but that's not the point... It's because something about him, his mysteriousness I would call it, pulls me closer. 

I'm so used to everybody using me for my looks, and immediately wanting to do something with me *cough cough Lucas* that I just was at a point were I kind of gave up. Since I had my 'glow up' as you'd say, the bullying, depression and cuts have stopped. I'm extremely glad that it had stopped of course, but now I barely even feel like myself. I feel this constant need to impress everyone. 

Before I knew it I was at my house again. My thoughts started to suffocate me again. Like they did before. Only this time, it wasn't about being bullied. It was about me trying to be someone I'm not... How do I get my old self back? Had I lost him? 

***

I was in my bathroom again. Blood dripping down my leg. I thought to get my old self back, I'd have to fall back on old habits. I thought to myself that this pain feels better then the pain my mind is causing me. The pain in my leg took away the pain in my mind. My leg pounded, but I felt slight relief. My mind stopped attacking me for a while. Until the pain in my leg stops that is...

A tear stormed down my face, hitting a slight stop at my skinny cheek bone then stormed further. How could I do this to myself again. I guess my mother was right. I still need the medication. I hate it because it weakens me throughout the days but it lifts my mind slightly. I thought I was happy again? What have I done...Second cut...The pain relieved me again. I have to stop. If I don't my loss of blood will stop me...Permanently.

I recognized the sound of my parent's car outside. Fuck, I have to clean this. I rushed cleaning my bathroom just in time before my mom knocked on the door. I pulled my pant leg down again hiding my thigh then walked out. 

"Hi mom." I gave her a hug. Feeling her warmth made me want to fall to the ground needing help with my broken pieces, but I held back. 'Henry don't! You can fix this on your own.' I think to myself. If I wanted to stop it was going to happen by my self. I don't need my mom and dad drilling me again. That only makes it worse. It makes me feel forced into changing, when change can only happen with self commitment. 

***

The week went by pretty fast and It's Friday. I have a therapy session today. My plan is to act fine, just to stop coming here. All I need from my therapist is to tell my mom I'm much better. 

As I entered the therapists office I put my fake face on to pretend I'm happy. She asked me so many questions, to which I replied in the most positive ways. I almost broke down about 3 times but held back. My mom was waiting outside in the waiting area since my session was only 30 minutes long. "Mrs. Hayes I'm so glad to see you. May you please join Henry in my office?" She asked my mother. 

My mother nodded yes and followed her into the office where I was already sat. She joined the chair next to me and cleared her throat. 

"So Mrs. Hayes. I think Henry has reached a point in his life where he knows what he wants. He seems much happier and more comfortable talking to me. He seems much more positive in the way he's talking." As she said all this I knew I wasn't fixed yet. But I cant keep coming here because this room alone takes me back to my past. The past were I was constantly bullied, thrown to a wall or punched and kicked in the stomach. 

"I'm sure you've seen a change at home as well?" Me and the therapist looked at my mother. "Yes I have seen quite the change. He has gotten a lot more comfortable with himself and the things he wear." My mother smiled. 

'I think for now I wont be wearing as short pants as I've been wearing the past few months' I thought to myself as I touched my cuts. 

The therapy session was a success and my mother said I can stop coming and stop drinking the pills. The therapist told me that I can go back anytime I want if I'm feeling down again. 

On the way home my mom stopped to get some ice cream to celebrate my recovery. I don't feel bad for lying. I'm doing it at my own risk, but for some reason I'm extremely comfortable with my choice. It's time for self growth.