YELLOW WINTER

Him

I like him...oh my God! I do?
I like his greasy skin, the way he always sort of hides his smile... I like that he isn't conventionally attractive, he isn't aesthetic. He's real, like real normal.
I like that I can go out with him and no one would raise eye brows... we'll just be two odd people doing odd things, falling in love with our oddness...
I'm glad I don't like his friend, that'll make me stand out more... that'll make my uglliness apparent and I wouldn't just fade into the background like i normally do.
I'll be the uglly girl with the really attractive stud. No one would know my name even then but they'll all know... they'll all know what I don't look like and how sadly I do.

Those friend groups would curse at me for stealing their potential boyfriend and hell knows that'll hurt.

I'm glad my heart choose someone in my world.
I sound pathetic don't I?
But that's the truth.
There's no sugar coating the truth the same way make-up and new clothes wouldn't change me.
Being a looser or understanding where I stand in the status quo isn't as depressing as it sounds.
You learn with time to control your desires...to not say a word even if u're spoken to.
You know you'll never be cool and that's fine as long as I'm uninteresting I'll be left alone.

Truth is, you can be cool by association, ur habits can be cool, ur interests can be cool and then you somehow climb the social ladder and that scares me.

What if someone else notices how pretty his lashes are?
How good his vocabulary is when he does speak?
How good a basketballer he'll be if his head wasn't buried in those cheesy books?
The anxiety eats me up like a bug.

The closest he's being to me is about ten feets away when I cowardly follow him after school.
Oh...I shouldn't have said that. It sounds weird doesn't it?
I'm not a stalker or anything but yeah he likes his drinks super cold, he hates the rain, I loves old songs the kind they played at 2000s parties, he likes the colour yellow although he never wears any bright colours, he dislikes the English teacher lol that might be the only thing we share but i mean, who wouldn't dislike her and her boring classes her apparent love for filtered knowledge and rigged disinterest for banned books.
We all know, the banned books are the best. Knowledge the government rather us not know but then again some of them are actually crap not fit for high schoolers but then no book's bad.
Does he share the same sentiment? Probably but I'll have to grow the balls to ask him first.

Every time he walks in I want to ask why he never straightens his pants, why he has bruises on his fingers but I can't because I know why.
I hear the doors shutting even from outside his house .... Maybe I could tell him I understand? Share trauma? Ehh no!
I want him to love me not trauma bond into being besties and have one of the pretty girls steal him like it happens in books.

I need us to be real but for that I need to stop being delulu .... Reality's we'll never work out.
It'll pass, it always does.
I don't like the kid who draws anyone. it's been ages since I followed him to art class even when I don't draw.
I don't watch the football kid play anymore... maybe I got bored or perhaps like always reality hit hard?
I've had many..many crushes...the temptation to take pictures of them when I find them poetic seizes with the thought of someone finding them and calling me a creepy stalker.
I'm not...it's just I love...I love in a weird way just as I am...the only way I know how to...