YELLOW WINTER

10.

10
The walk home was a quiet one.
I pretended I wasn't aware that we had being holding hands for the past 10 minutes and I believe he pretended not to see the bruises on my hand which under the rain looked blue or perhaps a light shade of purple.
His fingers were twice the size of mine, his palms enveloped my skinny fingers. 
I tried not to stare at him and I'm glad he did the same.
The rain was still going at the same pace but my heart felt faster and louder than the rain falling mercilessly on us.
I was worried he'll catch a cold and maybe he was worried I would catch a cold too?
Whatever was going through his mind I could almost feel it through his warm fingers.
The shivers running down my spine couldn't have been from the cold, no. My cheeks felt hot, my legs weak but also like a sudden bolt of electricity would cause me to run down the street. Maybe then my heart would race a little less ?
All was but a far cry, I couldn't let go, no I shouldn't.
I couldn't stare at him, neither could I look down my eyes would surely find his shoes and then what if he thinks I'm weird?
I'm sure he already thinks that but what if in this moment he finds my weirdness creepy.. no..no...I couldn't risk that so I kept my head held high.
The weight of which made the scar stretching down my back feel raw, feel open.
Eyes, smiles,lights, collars, shirts, tops, hats, gait, hairstyles! Hairstyles!
I could see them all not from reflection on glasses, not from the corner of my eyes, not when they didn't know an invisible presence was staring at them, not through my camera lens, not when their pictures hang over my bed.
Although all in a rush by the side walks, from shops running to get into cars with rolled up windows , under brollies or those who simply just stood by windows.
I could see them all!
At eye level!
It felt almost rusty, my throat dry with a nut that fell deeper into my stomach...like I could taste the feeling but somehow his fingers intertwined with mine made me feel like It is ok to have my eyes meet theirs.

Our bodies slowly inched closer as we approached the walls that kept us apart.
The lights were on?
Why?
Oh, that's why.
I could make out Carol's car from hundred cars all painted blue as her's.
My brain filled with a 1000 and 1 thoughts.
Are Marie's lungs still functioning?
It isn't Saturday or Sunday, it's Tuesday...so why's she here?
Did Marie finally....
All this thoughts make me 5 again standing behind a slightly cracked door about to watch someone cowardly step down with fear in their eyes.
Why didn't she do it then?
If I'm being honest I was afraid too...
I understood the concept of death. It was all Marie ever talked about, not to me, never to me but herself.
The mirror she'd seen my reflection in was the last mirror she would own, soon I would be 7 and it's shreds would be stuck on my back and I would tell the hospital staff that "it fell on me" by accident when i was playing.
Playing? With whom? I'd asked myself.
Did she finally get the courage to take herself out?

My grip must have gotten tighter because finally his eyes were on me but my eyes were torn between the front door and his face but then I caught a glimpse of his lashes and everything was drowned out.
Suddenly I was sane. The only red lights I could see were reflected from passing vehicles, no bright ambulance lights, no siren...she must be fine.
Is he really real?
He blinked, he is.

Lightly he squeezes my palm, nods and in another life he's lips are on mine but in this life he backs turned against me as he crosses over to his front yard, then his front door...he doesn't look behind him, he doesn't look at me like they do in movies.

Too many miracles in one night, I shouldn't be greedy...I can't ask for more, oh no I can't.