YELLOW WINTER

Blue

12
I lie in bed desperate to think about anything else other than the boy a street across from me and the boy two doors away.
Time goes by like air on a very hot day. It's slow, excruciating and uncomfortable.
My thoughts wonder off to the photos above my head, the sound of water drops from the bathroom, the little light which falls from the bathroom door crack, the sound of Marie dragging her feet downstairs.
My eyes linger on the pictures which are all of everyone else but me.
From people I see everyday to those I caught in a Cinematic haze to Marie's...
A picture of her leaning on her cane looking at the clouds searching for God? For hope?
I can't tell. In that moment I found her to exist outside the confines of the anger I carry around, outside the ugliness that oozes from her, her dark dark words strong enough to make my hands quiver, to make me loose control over what my camera sees and just look at her and all the pain she needs me to feel.

I am selfish for wanting to be photographed beside her ....for hoping dementia steals her memories early.
It's crazy how a trait I should be scared of gives me a sense of hope, a chance to make memories with her.

I'd tell her I am her niece, a niece she loves so much. I can't bring myself to tell her I'm a child she never wanted, I'm sure her very soul hates the idea of having a child, I'm certain her heart would recall the pain.
I would tell her my name's Susie or any sweet name that makes her look at me and smile whilst telling me just how much my parents must love me to pick such a beautiful name that suits me so well and then I'll smile, I'll smile at her...I'll look her in the eyes and not see anger and hate.
Maybe then I'll get to hold her hand, tell her dreams I wish I had, talk about non-existent friends and how good my day was.
Tell her just how much I think she's brilliant, how reading her old books awaken my mind, just how radiating her smile is, cause in this fantasy she smiles at me and i don't hide my eyes in the guilt of a man i don't know. A part of me I have to forever pay for the sins I didn't commit, a sin that made me.

It's selfish, it's crazy, and maybe I've lost my mind but all I want is to be called by my name with a little less anger, a little less hate and maybe, just maybe.. a little love.

I don't want tomorrow to come, I'm scared of what it might bring.
What if he walks past me like we didn't lock hands the dawn before day?
What if his eyes avoids mine....
What if he talks about his night without leaving a trace of my presence?
What if he's ashamed of me?
What if he "wasn't in the right state of mind" and everything was just impulse....
What if, what if, what if....I know he doesn't see me the way I do him.

The fault in our stars... That was the first book I ever saw him read, the first day I saw him... All he had to do was lift those eyes from the white lines and just like that, he captured my soul in a way no one could have romoured camera's captured souls back in the day.
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