Short Stories

Numbness

In a life that was filled with cruelty all I wanted was a sense of peace. A sense that I was worth something more than being just an object for a man's pleasure. I wanted to be proven wrong with the thoughts that nagged inside of my head. Everything in my mind told me to run away before he pulled onto my heart strings farther, letting my heart bleed from the pain and misery that I had to endure.

A life that I thought was my happiest moments turned into a sore apple and wanting to curl up in my room and lay there until I see nothing but the darkness and feeling the cold slender fingers of death's hands. 

All I truly ever wanted was for him to see me; to know me. To keep his promises that spilled out of his lips and into my ears. Small daggers I didn't know were being placed onto my heart until he was done. Letting himself grab the handle of those promises and ripping it out of my heart. 

It left my body on the ground screaming in pain and begging for mercy. But he never did like it when I had hope in my eyes. It was as if he strived for the pain he gave me. Wanting to see how long he can go in hurting me with words before he realizes how broken he made me, how he realizes that I had enough.

All of my blood coursing on the ground made a pool of it as he stood above me with thin pink lips of his. His eyes were as if they belonged to the devil himself as he looked down on me. As if I was merely nothing to him. What I had helped build with him for the years we were together was just nothing. His emotions were gone.

But once he realized my screaming stopped, when I laid there emotionless, when my eyes told him the life that was once there was gone and was replaced with death. That moment was when he realized that he went too far with his words and his actions. The emotionless boy that stood above me and only wanted situations to go his ways and feeling like he was the hero in someone's story was now replaced with his tears falling down his olive tone face with shaky hands. The knife that he once held onto his entire life dropped to the ground. His knees buckled as he realized his mistake of letting his emotions get the better of him. 

Of letting everything that his mind thought was correct to be the reason why the woman he so dearly "loved" was driven with madness in her mind. Letting her spiral out of control as if she was Alice escaping the harsh reality of the world.

I would always wonder if he truly loved me. If I was the only one for his eyes and not for my body. As if I meant something for him greater than lust. Was I truly the one that he wanted to change or was he only saying words to ease my mind and be mysterious with the other woman he was lusting after. I wonder if I was what he wanted. Would have his late friend wanting him to go down the path he chose and went down after he met his late friend's fiance. 

All I want to be is being numb to the pain, of not wanting to care for him. Being numb to the sadness of what I brought to an end of. A relationship that was doomed from the start. Was I even worth the trouble or was I just a mistake in your chapter. 

In the end, he'll always have somewhere in my heart and mind. A place where he would stay for eternity. I would always care for him in my mind. A life without him by my side unpleasant. But letting myself go for him would be worse. 

Letting him go would serve me a reminder that nothing good stays good and nothing bad stays bad, the time will tell you if it was worth it in the end.