chapter 9: why was I like this?

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present

"Can you not do that?", I rolled my eyes at Theo.

"What is it, now?"

"You are dismissing the topic I am talking about, now you act like you don't know what I am even talking about"

He was shaking his head.
We were having an argument. His construction stopped for the summer and I asked how he planned on spending it. And he said he couldn't say for sure. But he didn't even bother asking me back.
It had been a couple months since we had been going out. And the way he didn't think to include me in his future plan hurt me.

I pointed out. And he simply changed the topic and talked about his construction work related things.

"Yeah, i am the bad guy, I guess I always am", he said with a crossed look.

Which annoyed me more. Now I was raising my voice,

"That technique won't work for me. You can't avoid solving a problem with such an overgeneralized statement"

"But that's what you mean, right? I am bad, I am inconsiderate"

"What are you even talking about?", I was furious now.

I stood beside him, he was sitting uptight on the couch, with his phone in his hand. He was swipping it, without actually seeing the contents.

"Nothing"

"Theo, be an adult. You are manipulating me into thinking I was the bad guy here, like I judged you or something. I was just asking why you didn't think to include me in your summer plans"

He looked up, with a dead look in the eyes, "you are not the bad guy, obviously" he said sarcastically.

He was acting like a child. But I was too vexed to see it that way. In my mind, I took it as a form of gaslighting.

"Ahhh", I creaked.

I wanted to kick something hard. I need to leave this apartment.

I walked out of the room, without saying anything. If he was in this way, there would be no benefit in trying to get to the bottom of the problem.

As I was leaving his apartment, putting my hands in my jacket, I was thinking why he would be so defensive. Or maybe he simply didn't want to talk about his summer plans.

Which would mean he had something planned, and that clearly didn't include me.

I guessed, he might not even think we would be together in the coming months.

It was foolish of me to automatically assume that we were gonna be together and we would be safe from falling apart.

I saw a bar as I walked. Without a thought, I entered it.

It was late on the weekend, the place was crowded. I sat on a stool at the counter.

"What can I get you?", the barkeep asked.

"Two shots of tequila", I answered, putting my bag on the bar.

"Someones gonna join you?", a guy beside me turned around and asked.

He had been checking me out since I walked in.

He had this bowl cut black hair, with dazzling eyes. he wore a black shirt with the top buttons opened. He seemed to have drunk a couple of alcohol.

"No, both are for me", I said, fluffing my wavy hair.

"I like you already", he murmured cloyingly.

He looked at me with such astonishment as I gulped down both shots immediately.

"So, how are you doing?", I turned to him, after asking for a margarita from the bartender.

"Well, I am kind of drowning my sorrow here, my wife left me, it'd been a couple weeks, but still I found myself mopping alone", he answered me with unnecessary details. This guy needed someone to talk to.

"It's better to drink alone when you are sad", I provided my life wisdom.

"Cheers to that"

Through two margaritas and a couple more shots, we were quite familiar with each other.

We had moved to a free booth. He was sitting close to me.

"You are such a good listener", he complimented me, leaning closer.

"A friend in need is a friend in deed", I smiled.

Then he suddenly kissed me. I was caught up in the moment.

He slid down his hands on my neck, devouring me.

I came back to consciousness. Wait a minute.

"Oh, sorry", he said after I pulled away.

"No worries, it's just that. I can't do it", i mumbled as I wiped my mouth, "I need to go, sorry"

I was on my feet. i gave him something like a wave goodbye. And I hurried out of the bar.

After a while, walking alone on the sidewalk, I was pondering my actions.

I was by no means attractive the bowl cut man. I wasn't planning on leaving Theo. We were just having a quarrel. I would not risk what we had for anything in the world.

I wouldn't want to hurt Theo in any way, let alone such a cheap act like before.
Still, I made out with a guy I just met at a bar.

Why was I like this? Why did I do that?

As I wobbled my way home, I started to see it was the alcohol that clouded my judgement.

The environment, the validation from a guy, and the alcohol circulating through my veins had put me in such reckless poorly sought situations before.

Now that I thought of it, I had been drinking more days than not. For a really really long time. I always had booze at home. I always drank in whatever social situations. And my number one go to stress reliving way was going to a bar, just like tonight.

Not too long ago, I put myself in a dangerous circumstance by blacking out at a random place. If I kept walking the memory lane down, the mistakes I had done in a drunk state would be countless.

I was not a teenager anymore. I had been living alone in the city and responsible (if you could call that) for myself for a few years. And I even had a stable relationship with a guy who cared about me. It was time I took a hard look at my life and started to make a turn at it.

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