the girl at the bottom of the glass

chapter 10: George

2010s

(Soundtrack of the chapter -  you know I'm no good - Amy winehouse)

"I can't understand", I whimpered standing at the bedroom door.

"It amazed me that you can't understand Vicky", George turned to me, holding the bag in his hand. His eyes were glistened with tears too. I could see that it was not an easy decision for him.

"When are you gonna see the kind of life you are living?", he said with a disappointed sound.

"I know, I have been ignoring you and drinking and "I stuttered. All I could think was to stop him from leaving me. But I couldn't find words that would be effective.

"Ignored me? It was not just ignorance. It was straight disrespectful. You have been partying all the time. And those so called friends of yours, I wonder how many of them you are sleeping with"

"No no, it's not true", I protested.

I had confessed to him about the Mike incident at one Halloween back in our college days. We were separated for a while. In the end, George took me back in. He did love me.

We had been moving in together now. And in the three years we were together, I knew how much he cared about me. And I did love him in my own ways. I had never been in a long term relationship before George.

"It never happens anymore. It was that one time about 3 years ago, please let it go"

"I don't think I can, V. You don't give me enough benefit of the doubt. Everyday some new people come and pick you up. You didn't even come home some nights. You don't even act like you have me in your life"

"Of course, you are in my life. You are my life", I plead," I am sorry, you are right. I had been a bad girlfriend. I will change. I promise"

He dropped the bag. There was a glimpse of hope in my heart.

He walked directly to the wardrobe in our bedroom.
I followed him nervously, twirling my hair with my fingers and absentmindedly pulling them out. My bristled blonde hairs were silently falling to the floor.

he opened the wardrobe door and cleared out the clothes that were hanging there.

"And look. Look at these", he pointed.

There was a heap of empty bottles at the bottom of the wardrobe. I hid them after I had finished them, and later dumped them myself into the nearby bin.

"Do you even know you have a problem?", he questioned loudly.

I trembled. Even at that moment, how I wished I could have a sip right there, right now. I needed clarity to handle this situation. My mind was all over the place now.

"And I know about your secret stash all over the house", he continued.

My heart sank. I had placed many bottles in many places in the apartment in case I needed emergency numbness while I was at home.

George was the uptight guy, he was currently interning at a law firm. I was working as a temp at an agency.
From the beginning, we had different ambitions in life and our lifestyles were far too different.

I was the life of the party. And he was always enjoying his time with a book at home.

But I couldn't deny the fact I was more than a social drinker at that time. And I knew he had been embarrassed for me many times we went out for dinners, where I usually took too much liberty to enjoy red wine.

"I don't know what to say", I said weakly.

"That's what I thought. You are never responsible for your actions"

He stomped out of the bedroom, grabbed his bag from the floor.

"I am sorry Vicky, I wish it had been a smooth and peaceful end", he said with a soft voice with his back to me.

I couldn't move. I let my tears fall down on my cheeks like waterfalls.

"George, I love you", I muttered.

"Don't make this harder than it is", he stopped me, opened the door. And left.

My knees got weak and I fell down.

I was wailing my eyes out.

When we first started dating, my life was finally like a fairy tale.

My college years were different from my highschool years. I was always surrounded by friends and guys waiting in line to ask me out.
My small figure was changed. I dyed my red hair blonde and kept it messy. I went for overdramatic makeup look and grunge style of clothing. I caught his heart like a flame to a moth.

When a fine guy from the law major asked me out, I didn't think we would have lasted. I was just having fun in the beginning.
But in time, he started to fill the big void in my heart.
There were times I wondered how he could tolerate my cigarette smoke filling dorm, my noisy friends and my happy go lucky attitude. I believed it was the power of love.

After college, I didn't go back to my mother. We rent a studio apartment and stayed in the city. We were doing part time jobs and happily started a life together.

Now my heart was broken into a million little pieces.

With bloodshot eyes, I stood up and stumbled down on the couch. I needed to find a place next month.
I needed to calm myself down.

I didn't know where to start. I hadn't been imagining my life without George. He had been my stability. Even though we had fought many times over our different ways, I didn't think he would stop loving me one day and grabbing bags that way.

It reminded me of the image of my father with the bags in his hand in my senior year.

I glided my hand between the cushions and pulled out a bottle. It was half full.

Without further thinking, I took a big swig.
After all, alcohol had come to my rescue, again.

Soon I would be able to numb this panic inside me. The sinking feeling I had was gonna fade away.

And I would be brave enough to face life. Or whatever.