the girl at the bottom of the glass

chapter 13: happy new year

Present

(Soundtrack of the chapter - hit me like a man - the pretty reckless)

The more I went to AA meetings, the more I looked back into the past.
Many members shared the same background with me.

Some were orphaned and bounced between foster homes all of their childhood. Some experienced abusive or addictive parents.
Some of them had to endure their endless battles like me. The common thing was we did not have parents, literally or apparently, when we needed them. We were forgotten and left to deal with our emotions alone.

I started to unpack the things I long buried deep in my head. I was too young to actually take in the problems from the beginning. It was suggested most of the time, the wounds healed when we understood why things happened the way they did.

One evening when my mother called, I attempted to ask, rather than my usual short pleasantries.

"Mom, why do you think you and dad fought all the time when I was young?"

She didn't expect that kind of question from me. In our family, "don't ask, don't tell" was always the unspoken rule.

"Well, how can I explain it to you? There were things that happened in the past, I thought I could move on and let the past in the past, but I ended up resenting him more and more in time"

It was new information to my ears.

"Yeah, like what things?"

"He had an affair when you were a kid. I found out. He begged me to stay and promised me he'd change. I didn't want to leave him. I guess I overestimated my power of forgiveness", my mother explained, with unusual patience, "it was wise of him to leave in the end, we were beyond repair"

I noted her maturity in her speech. For many years, she was hurt that he bolted and shut down.

"I am sorry, mom. I did not know that"

"It's none of your fault, sweetie", she sighed, "I should have left him, for the sake of you. I could never trust him again. And I was trapped in my own prison, and you were collateral in that prison"

Well, she could not have described it better. I was glad I finally asked her about them, and grateful for my mother to finally see me as an adult and included me in.

I could see now that she never meant to hurt me. She was a slave of her own emotions. She didn't know where to turn for help.
She tried in the way she thought best at that time. But, her attempts to tame the fire were instead became fuel for bigger ones.

My father was cold and distant with us, but I could remember he was not always like that. We went camping trips, we had family dinners, they both tucked me into bed after him reading me bedtime stories.

Poor decisions and wrong actions changed who they were. They overlooked they had a child in need of their love at home. They were busy fighting their own demons.
They were merely humans.
Forgiveness was a powerful tool in recovery journey, Mark said.

And I noticed my heart felt a lot lighter after I came to a fair conclusion with the story of my parents. It was like I opened a shut door and clean out the contents. The room wouldn't ever be a well lit living room where happy families hang, but it was no more a creepy dark one that scared little kids away.

It had been over one month sober for me. I received a chip from the group. And I was strangely very proud of it.
I befriended some of the members there, after all, we were all trying to navigate our lives with the support of each other.

Before we left yesterday gathering, Mark gave out special warnings for today was the new year's eve.
My heart had been heavy since Theo called me at work this morning and asked me to join him at his home party.

I couldn't avoid it. I had been refusing to join him on dates if there were other people involved.  I hanged out less and less at his place. Even though he didn't verbally objected, he was not very happy with 'non partying version of me'.

When I pushed the front door to his apartment, he came running to me with a big smile on his face. He had started drinking a couple of drinks, I could tell from just by taking a look at him.

"Hey baby, you look stunning"

He had me spinning and taking in my look. I was wearing a black leather shorts over fishnet stockings, partied with a black baby tee top. I kept my hair tidy in one big pigtails. I looked like one of the female characters from video games.

I kissed him. I checked what other beverages they had in the fridge. I took out a soda and started blending in with his friends who have become close with me.

I performed my duty as a party host too, refilling the empty bowl with chips and taking out more beers from the fridge.

It was the first time I become that close to alcohol or drinking people.
I heard the music blaring out front.

Theo and a group of his friends were starting a karaoke party.
He and his buddies shared music taste, they chose the hard rock songs. They were almost always wearing black or dark colored clothes, and that was one of the reason I fit right in with them, maybe.

"Come here baby, show us some skills", Theo dragged me out.

"I didnt prepare anything, honey"

"Hey, it don't matter. This is not American Idol. And whatever you sing, those drunk guys will think good"

"Okay then"

I chose Cranberries "zombies". Since I had performed that song so many times, sometimes on bar stages, I was confident.
People applauded and shouted at my style of singing.

Feeling on cloud nine, I finished the song.
Theo was there to cheer me up more, "you rocked", he squeezed me as he handed me a cup.

"Thank you", I beamed and sipped the drink. "Hey, it is vodka"

"Yeah, we have tequila too, above the fridge", he replied.

"No, I stopped drinking alcohol, remember?"

"Make tonight exception baby, hurry up, the countdown's gonna start"

It was started, people were chanting together, "10, 9,8 .."

Well, okay. I gulped a couple and joined with them.

" Happy new year", we all shouted.

He hugged me tight and kissed my lips. I wrapped my hands around his neck.
Everything was perfect. I thought as I looked around all the kissing couples. Their faces were all cheerful and bright.

After a while, I found myself reaching for the tequila bottle previously mentioned.
At that point, I could feel the thrill. Everything inside me was asking for more.

I danced, I drank. I was requested to do some more karaoke. I indulged them with the pretty reckless "kill me" and "hit me like a man".

"So hit me like a man, love me like a woman", I played some air guitar

"Love me like a woman", I concluded.

As people were cheering me loudly, I looked for Theo. He was not in the crowd.
When a friend of his was starting to sing, I left the group, poured me more alcohol. And looked for him.

I wanted to tell him I missed him even though we were at the same party. I wanted to tease him to hit me like a man, love me like a woman.

"Theo, are you in here", I knocked at his bedroom door.

"We are here", a friend of his answered from inside. I shoved the door open, and I found them in a circle, kneeling in front of a table.

They were sniffing white powder with the roll banknotes. I freezed in astonishment.

I didn't know they used.
Theo looked up at me, "wanna join, baby?", while wipping the extra dust off his nose.