ephemera 一 baek dohwa.

xxviii

Out of habit of waking early on school weekdays, you're up shortly after sunrise. You debate going back to sleep, but Dohwa is expected at the company at nine o'clock in the morning. 

You lie there for a few moments, unmoving, still with the phantom sensation of Dohwa’s lips and teeth and fingers all over you. It's a new feeling, but it makes you a little giddy just thinking about it. 

He's still asleep, and unbeknownst to him, bent strangely, as if he's attempting to bury his head into your arm as he sleeps. It's cute, and to your delight, he doesn't stir as you reach over for your phone to snap a few photos. 

Photos are a thing you've been doing since you started dating. They say it's better to live in the moment, but you think it's a rebellion of a sort; it's proof that you and Dohwa existed together, with each other, at some point in your lives. 

You slowly slide out of bed. He doesn't stir. He's splayed out like a starfish again when you return from the bathroom. It's really too adorable. 

You decide you want to let him sleep more because it's only six o’clock, and you both did only fall asleep past one in the morning last night. You borrow his keys and go downstairs to buy some ingredients for a simple breakfast. 

You wake Dohwa up at seven, and the first thing he does is pull you straight back down into bed with him.

‘You smell good,’ he murmurs into your hair.

You used his shampoo, conditioner and body wash last night so you technically smell very similar to him right now. You’re also squashing him, but he doesn’t seem to mind. 

You pepper him with kisses wordlessly until he relents, groaning as he stretches. ‘Good morning.’

‘Good morning,’ you say. ‘I’ve made breakfast.‘

It’s just spam and scrambled eggs with rice, but Dohwa scarfs down three bowls. You’re glad you bought extra ingredients.

At eight o'clock, when the dishes are washed and the bed made, you look at Dohwa. ‘Are you ready?’

He's wearing subtle designer brand clothing from head to toe, except for the black turtleneck which he definitely ended up having to wear. You’ve styled his hair for him today and he looks so beautiful, so distant and different from how you’ve always perceived him that it hurts.

You know that this is how it's always been for him, but you can't help but feel a little sorrowful. You bite your lips together and he says, ‘Don't worry. I'll see you in no time.’

You don't know whether he means next term as a classmate, or far in the future. You wonder if he'll still remember you then. You hope he will. 

‘I love you,’ he says. 

You stare into his eyes and reply with the most conviction you've ever had, ‘I love you, too.’

You know you won't fall in love with anyone else after this. 

You take a taxi with Dohwa to Marang’s headquarters, the ride silent but broken occasionally by snippets of conversation, holding hands all the while. 

You request the driver to be dropped off at the entrance to a nearby park so as not to pique the driver's interest more than necessary. 

You stand there facing each other. Beyond this wall of trees and winding paved paths stands Marang’s headquarters. 

Dohwa begins to say your name. 

You step towards him, squeezing him in the tightest embrace you can manage. ‘I love you.’

Your throat is suddenly tight, a familiar wave building in your chest, and you do your best to suppress feelings of both. 

Dohwa echoes the words into your hair, stooping to plant a gentle kiss on your nose. You tilt your head upwards and your lips find his, sharing one final kiss together. 

When you break apart at last, it suddenly hits you that this is it.

Like an ephemeral breath of wind, it’s over.

Dohwa says with a smile that makes your heart constrict, ‘Thank you for being there for me.’

You feel the tears welling in your own eyes, but you hold them back for as long as you can, returning the widest grin you can manage back at him. ‘Don’t be silly.’

He’s already beginning to walk away. You want him to stay.

You’re both doing your best to look unaffected.

A few footsteps away, he looks back, mouthing a line at you. It absolutely shatters your heart, leaving it bore raw to the bright blue sky above your heads, throbbing feebly, because you know what he’s talking about without even needing the book. 

Chapter twenty nine. The second to last page.

He sends a wave above his head without turning his head. ‘See you, Y/N.’

You scrub the back of your hand furiously across your eyes, unmoving until his figure has completely disappeared from sight. 

I don't want to leave you, but I love you too much to stay.