cue: confusion [IT FANFICTION]

how to overthink everything and still fail

Before we continue, let it be known that STORY OF MY SHITTY AND MORBID LIFE has been changed to a less self pitying title:

(drumroll, please)

STORY OF MY MORBID LIFE

Show stopping, right? (I hope so, because this show couldn't end sooner.)

The name of this piece is: FREE THERAPY WITH BIKE MANLON.

[BIKE] Why don't you just... feel your feelings?

[ME] Oh, wow, I never thought about that.

[BIKE] I know, right? It's almost like you're never emotionally mature enough to do anything on your own.

I narrowed my eyes at the line. Out of character, I thought to myself.

[BIKE] I know, right? That's why you're too impulsive. Just be normal.

Okay, that one's really out of character.

[BIKE] Just talk to him!

I paused, biting the inside of my cheek in thought.

Yeah... that's more like something he would say.

[ME] Ohhh nooo, we have no more time for the therapy session!

[BIKE] I'm not a therapist, actually.

[ME] Then why don't we just talk about something normal? What do guys usually talk about— girls?

[BIKE] Ha ha.

My thoughts were interrupted by Actual Mike's voice, who was currently staring at me like I was a crazy person. "Bill, you've looked way too focused for the last 30 seconds. Are you okay?"

I cleared my throat, nodding intently. "Mhm. J-just— I dunno."

Mike shifted slightly so that he was across from me, his arms crossed. "Are you doing okay? You know, in general."

"Yeah." I responded instinctively. "I mean, I'm f-fuh-fine. At existing."

He shrugged. "That's an improvement."

"You d-don't have to be this... professional. You are not a licensed th-the-th-therapist."

Mike smiled sheepishly before he shook his head. "I mean... I dunno. When I have sort of repetitive tasks, I end up spending a lot of time with my thoughts... I'm sure you recall the 5 step plan?"

RECENTLY SEEN ON: STORY OF MY MORBID LIFE:

"This might be hard to do if you're constantly around each other, but just... stay professional. Second of all: if you want to figure your problems with him out–"

"It seems like th-there's a really b-b-buh-big jump f-from step 1 to step 2." I quickly interrupted.

"I don't recall hearing the s-s-sp-specified amount of st–steps." I responded half-heartedly, deciding to humor him for now.

Mike must have taken my response as a sign to continue, because he didn't build off of what I said. "Well, before you interrupted me, I was going to say that in order to figure your problems with him out, you're going to have to directly contradict step 1 by expressing how you feel about him."

I choked on the air. "S...Sorry?"

"Don't play dumb. You invade each other's minds."

(The hell is he on about?)