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Chapter 18:

"Can't sleep?". Joel asked quietly, making his presence known to Owen as he walked into the living room of the house the group had settled into for the night.

Owen made a non-communicative hum and tore his eyes away from the flickering flames of the fireplace as Joel sat down next to him on the couch. "Is Ellie alright?".

"Yeah, I finally got her to fall asleep once I gave her my jacket". Joel replied with a small smile.

"That's good". Owen said as he carefully adjusted himself into a more comfortable position, being careful to not wake Cedar, who was fast asleep in his lap.

"What's going on with you two?". Joel asked, gesturing between Owen and Cedar.

Owen sighed but chose to answer honestly. "There's nothing going on sir, at least not officially".

"What does that mean?". Joel questioned, his tone light and not at all judgemental.

"I kissed him a couple of times back at the hotel, I know it's still early, but I think I'm starting to like him". Owen confessed.

"Does he feel the same way?". Joel asked, gesturing towards Cedar's sleeping form.

"I don't know, we haven't exactly had a chance to talk about it properly". Owen replied, brushing a stray hair out of Cedar's face.

"As soon as we get to Bowen Island you both need to talk things out, he deserves that much". Joel stated firmly. "And so do you". He continued, his expression softening up a bit.

Owen smiled and nodded a bit before frowning and rubbing a hand over his face as he released a sigh. "Why'd you do it?".

"Do what?". Joel asked in confusion.

"Kill Abby's father". Owen elaborated. "I'm not judging or anything, I'm just curious is all".

"Ellie's immune to the Cordyceps, I was tasked with smuggling her to a hospital out in Colorado so some doctors could experiment on her for a cure". Joel explained.

"The same hospital Abby's father worked at". Owen cut in as Joel nodded.

"Once I realized they'd have to kill Ellie for this potential cure I went back and killed every single doctor I came across. When I went back into the surgery room, Abby's father picked up a scalpel, I was scared he was gonna hurt Ellie so I -". The rest of Joel's sentence faded as he wiped at his teary eyes and looked down at the floor.

"You were just protecting your kid from someone you deemed as a threat, that's all there was to it". Owen said, placing a consoling hand on Joel's shoulder.

"What if I didn't have to kill him though? What if I had just tried to talk him down peacefully?". Joel asked tearfully.

"Jerry Anderson had a nasty temper, where do you think Abby got her violent streak from?". Owen said. "There's no doubt that he would have ended up hurting Ellie with that scalpel if given the chance".

Joel nodded before carefully speaking up. "Do you regret not helping Ellie and I in that resort?".

"I do". Owen replied immediately. "That's why I tried to tell Abby to just leave you both there instead of delivering a final blow on either of you".

"He covered for me when I lied to Abby about killing you both". Rocky announced as he walked into the living room and sat in the corner armchair.

"He did?". Joel asked, looking between both men.

"I did". Owen confirmed. "I knew Rocky had a kid to worry about so I didn't want him to get in trouble, speaking of, did you ever manage to find him?".

"Yeah, we found him last year out in Ohio". Rocky confirmed with a nod.

"I tried to have some of my old Firefly contacts track him but they wanted nothing to do with me". Owen sighed.

"A lot of good covering for him did, considering Joel and Ellie had to come save my ass when I went after Abby". Tommy said as he too walked into the living room.

"I don't mean to kick you and Cedar off the couch but do you mind if I talk to my brother alone?". Joel said as he looked at Owen.

"Of course not". Owen replied as he gently picked Cedar up and carried him to the second bedroom upstairs whilst Rocky went into the other downstairs bedroom.

Both of the Miller brothers were quiet for some moments before Tommy decided to speak. "Look, I know you're still pissed at me over what I did alright?".

"Oh I'm more than pissed". Joel corrected in an almost bitter tone. "Not just about what happened with Abby, but with everything you pulled and said last year too".

"I know". Tommy replied, his voice breaking as tears welled in his eyes. "I'm not sure why I'm always so angry now but I can't help it".

"What do you mean?". Joel asked, looking at his little brother curiously.

"There's something wrong with my head". Tommy explained with a sniff. "Ever since I got shot It's like someone flipped a switch in my brain and all I'm capable of feeling is anger".

"Tommy, I think you have brain damage". Joel explained as gently as possible.

"I guess". Tommy replied with a shrug as he wiped his tear filled eyes. "I don't like being angry like this all the time but I don't know how to stop it!".

"That's why Benji was doing therapy sessions with you". Joel replied gently.

"Well now Benji's dead! So what the hell am I supposed to do?". Tommy snapped.

"I don't know". Joel replied honestly. "But we'll figure it out together".

"Why the hell would you want to help me? After all the shit I've put you through!". Tommy remarked ruefully.

"What are you talking about?". Joel asked.

"The shit that you had to do to keep us safe after we had to leave Jackson". Tommy elaborated. "You had to have sex with the head of that Firefly group we found so he wouldn't sell us out to Abby".

"I did what I had to do to keep you safe". Joel said after a minute. "Did I absolutely hate it? Yes, I did. But I'd do it all over again if it meant I could guarantee your safety".

"You wouldn't have to do that if I hadn't gone after Abby! You were brutalized because of me!". Tommy argued, referring to the fact that Joel had to perform sexual acts on the leader of the Firefly group so he and Tommy wouldn't be sold out to Abby.

"It's in the past Tommy, What's done is done". Joel argued tiredly.

Tommy didn't look convinced but didn't press the matter as he spoke again. "When I was leaving the Toronto QZ I heard you say something about me".

Joel raised a brow but stayed quiet as Tommy continued. "You said, I hope he gets what he wants. But what Mel did to me, I - I didn't want it".

Joel released a shaky exhale and rubbed his little brother's shoulder. "I know you didn't".

"You also said we keep going for family, So does that mean I'm not family anymore or something?". Tommy asked with a sniff.

"I didn't mean it like that Tommy". Joel replied quietly.

"Do you forgive me? I mean, I know you're angry, but do you think you can ever forgive me for what I've done?". Tommy asked after a moment.

"I can't do that, not yet anyways". Joel admitted as he looked up from the floor and faced his little brother. "But I - I'd like to try".

"I'd like that". Tommy replied, releasing a tiny sob as he buried his face into Joel's shoulder and hugged him.

"Get some sleep". Joel said quietly as he pulled away from the hug a minute or so later.

Tommy frowned at the abruptness but didn't argue as he got up from the couch and headed into the other downstairs bedroom, his muffled sobs clouding Joel's ability to fall asleep as he blankly stared at the dying embers of the fireplace.