Dirty Work

Do You Want Me (Dead)?

(I'm dead set on a getaway, I'm dead set on a getaway...)

I knew coming here was a bad idea, but I had to. I had to see him, I needed to see he was okay. It had been a while and I was sorry for that but I couldn't come back, not until now. Alex used to be my best friend, he used to be the most important person in my life, but that all changed in one night 5 years ago. That night changed our futures and ripped us apart and now I was finally brave enough to come back and see him, to make sure and to apologize for leaving and running away like the coward I was because I was scared of what would happen to me, what would happen to us.

I stood on his doorstep, building up the courage to just knock on his door and hope that if he answered, he wouldn't slam it back in my face again. Here goes nothing. I took a deep breath and after a few minutes psyching myself up I knocked softly four times, but after he didn't answer I knew I'd lost him for good, and it would be better staying out of his life instead of ruining it all over again. "It was wrong to come back." I mumbled and turned around, deciding that this was for the best, so I started to walk away. "Hey!" I heard a familiar voice shout. I froze, not knowing whether to turn around or carry on walking. "Hey!" The voice called again, getting closer and I could hear his bare footsteps behind me. This was it. This was going to make or break what we had left, if there was anything left after what I did to him. "Who ar-" Alex started to say as he grabbed my arm, but he didn't finish, I felt my arm tingle as soon as his fingers touched my skin again. He knew it was me, I was sure.

"Jen?" Was all he could manage after a long pause. I didn't know how to respond, so I just followed my gut. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and turned to face him before slowly opening my eyes again. That's when my heart melted as all the memories came flooding back.

"Alex, stop!" I giggled as he pinned me to the floor of his room and began to tickle me. This was his way of getting in control, this was his way of getting me to do what he wanted. "Stop!" I squealed again before he lay ontop of me and began to run his fingers up my arms before moving stray pieces of hair off my face before kissing me. "How about...this..." he said as he lowered his head so his lips were hovering over mine, almost touching. He let out a slow breath and I gasped. Smelling his sweet breath over my face, the cool tingles it left for a few seconds before disappearing. He had me right where he wanted, we both knew what was about to happen...

Bringing myself back to reality, I tried to take in how he had changed. His hair was shorter and he'd dyed it a mahogany shade that complemented his sun-kissed face, it was also styled in a similar way as to the last time I'd seen him, with his fringe still sweeping to one side and strands sticking up everywhere, but there was something more grown up about it, it was shorter...more mature. The one thing that hadn't changed in the 5 years I'd been gone were his beautiful dark chocolate eyes. They still engulphed me and drew me in, they still showed all the raw emotion that he would only show when he was in a vulnerbale state, I'd only seen him that way twice, and the last time I had seen it was the night I left him standing in the rain as I left him and my old life behind.

"Yeah...yeah it's me..." I managed to stutter out, not giving him eye contact, because I knew if I did I would see the broken guy I'd left, and I didn't want to have to go back there just yet, I didn't want him to see me in my dark place. Not again. "What the fuck are you doing here Jeniffer?! You left me. You left without a reason as to why you were leaving. You just...left." I looked up to see his face and saw his eyes begin to water and a single tear run down his face. I saw the face I'd left behind. I couldn't remember that night. I wouldn't. It was too soon, the scars were still healing for me, and they probably were for him too. "How...how did you find me?" He asked, still shocked that I had turned up on his doorstep after no contact in 5 years, no phone calls, no emails. Nothing. "I asked around, you aren't that hard to find you know, seen as you're in a band that's pretty big and all." I answered, trying not to show my feelings to him, because I knew what would happen if I did. A look of anger flickered through his eyes and I knew what he was going to say. "What, is that why you're back? You came to see me because I'm famous now? Wow, that is a new low, even for you." He sneered, making me squirm as the harshness of his words. "No, no that's not why I'm ba-" he didn't let me finish and squeezed tighter on my arm, dragging me to the pavement. "Get outta here! I don't ever want to see you again, get it?!" He shouted as I tried no to cry. He then let go and pushed me away from him, the way I'd wanted him to the night I left. That's when it all came flooding back, the memory I had repressed for so long. The memory I wished I could just forget.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered to him as I waited at the bus depot, ticket in hand, ready to leave my life behind and begin a new one someplace new, where I could be whoever I wanted. Where I couldn't hurt him anymore. "Please!" He begged, "why are you going? Please just tell me that. What have I done to make you leave? I'll do anything to make it better, I'm sorr-" I took his face in my hands as the tears ran down both our cheeks "You haven't done anything . This is all my fault. I'm sorry, but I have to go..." I managed to get out before I started to sob again, this isn't how I wanted to leave. I didn't want him to know I was going, I don't know how he found out, he just...did. "But, but baby I love you. Let me come with you so I can make whatever it is all better." He pleaded, and I knew then the five words that would help him let go, even if they would break his heart and leave me feeling like a terrible person for saying them. "I...I don't love you anymore." I managed to get out just before the bus arrived, and before he could say anything I got on, not turning back until the bus started to move. That way there was no way I would change my mind...