Wounds Of The Hearts, Justice Of The Mind

Chapter 8

I close my eyes, trying to let go of everything that's been weighing me down. Lance's words still echo in my mind, that sense of almost but not quite. I can't tell if it was just a passing moment or something that means more than I can explain. Parang gano'n yata talaga—life's full of maybes and almosts, leaving you with a lot of "what ifs" that are just heavy enough to stay with you and that is a scary part of life. And sometimes, I wonder if it's all worth it, this endless loop of wanting and then losing.

There's a certain calmness in being alone, in not needing to explain myself to anyone. I've never really been in a rush to fall in love or find someone. It's not like I feel empty or like there's something missing—kung meron man, it's not something I'm desperate to fill. I see people around me always searching, hoping to find someone who'll understand them completely, someone to call their own. And though I get why, I can't help but feel a bit distant from it. Para sa akin, there's peace in knowing I don't have to rely on anyone else to feel whole. I don't need anyone to "complete" me, whatever that even means. I'm fine being alone. At alam ko sa sarili ko na 'yon lang ang gusto ko.

Love is not an opportunity that you always have to grab. And not because someone shows interest in you doesn't mean it's an opportunity to jump into a relationship without carefully thinking about the consequences—of either getting hurt or hurting someone else. A true definition of affection is not only about spark or attraction; it takes time and patience.

But there's this voice in the back of my head, asking if maybe one day, I'll regret this choice. What if, by the time I'm ready, I find out I've missed my chance? And yet, even with that thought, I can't bring myself to feel panicked or rushed. It's strange—I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be, as if all of this waiting has a purpose, though I can't see it yet.

Minsan, naiisip ko rin na baka masyado lang akong idealistic, na baka ini-imagine ko lang ang lahat ng ito. At masyado ko lang pinapahirapan ang sarili ko sa pag-iisip ng ganito. I wonder if I'm just making excuses for not taking risks, for not putting myself out there. It's easier, I guess, to just go with the flow, to let things be instead of forcing them. Parang mas okay ang tahimik, 'yung walang expectation, walang kailangan patunayan sa iba. And maybe that makes me feel safe, but it also makes me feel a little disconnected, like I'm on the outside looking in.

"What's the feeling of falling in love?" I questioned, realizing that I am not for love or capable to love. "Curious but you're not capable to love, Isaiah..." I laughed along with my own thoughts.

Nakakatuwa naman, minsan, watching my friends get caught up in their own little dramas. Lalo na si Lance na kahit sino na lang ang nilalandi—idagdag pa na magkasama sila ni Lester dahil pareho sila ng takbo ng utak pagdating sa kalandian nilang dalawa. They tell me all about the highs and lows, the thrill of a new crush, the heartbreak when things don't go their way. I can see why it means so much to them, but at the same time, I feel like an observer, someone who's just. . .watching from a distance. Maybe I'm missing out, but there's something peaceful about staying in the background, not diving headfirst into anything that I'm not sure of; where it was all new to me.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what it means to truly love yourself. It sounds simple, pero hindi naman pala ganoon kadali. We're all taught to value ourselves, pero ang totoo, we're harder on ourselves than we'd ever be on anyone else. I see people around me always pushing, trying to become better, but sometimes I wonder—when is it enough? When do we stop and say, 'Oh, I'm fine just the way I am?'

It feels like the whole world is caught up in this chase to be more, to do more, to love more. And yet here I am, just wanting to be okay with what I have. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and feel enough, to know that kahit wala pang "someone" in my life, I'm still complete. Siguro nga, I'm just waiting for that day when I wake up and genuinely feel that I don't need anyone else's validation, that being alone isn't the same as being lonely.