Tainted Love

Chapter 13

Raven's POV

"I don't know. She hasn't left her bed for a week now." Jeordie whispers to someone outside the door. I squeeze my eyes shut and shove the duvet over my head. It's too fucking early for this.

"Thanks." The voice belongs to Ash. My cheeks tint to a red color in embarrassment. I grip the sheets tightly as if it can make me invisible. The door creaks open followed by light footsteps closer to me and the door softly shutting. "Raven?" I remain silent in hopes she'll disappear. She sighs and sits on my bed leaving my legs to sink into her weight. "We gotta talk, Raven."

"What? Are you going to fucking kick me out of Twiggy's house?" I bitterly ask. Seems like that's the newest trend: kick your loved ones out.

"No, I just want to talk." I lift up my body slowly. I can barely make out her face in the dark room. I steady myself on my elbow and keep my gaze on the bed.

"Let me guess, you're here to see if I really cheated. Or maybe you're here to slap me too, huh?-"

"Brian slapped you?!" She screeches. She grabs onto my leg as if it's a stress ball.

"No." I say calmly. Well, that slapping part wasn't suppose to come out of my mouth. Like Spencer said: I shouldn't play victim here.

"Who then?"

"Why are you fucking here?" I snap. She lets go of my leg and scoots closer to me. A sigh escapes from her lips.

"I want your side of the story." She finally admits. She gets up to flick on a lamp leaving us minimum lighting. Her face scrunches up in disbelief of my appearance. "What happened?"

"Brian." I push my greasy black hair from my face. Her eyes brim of tears but she holds them back.

"Jeordie says you only get up to use the restroom." I nod and close my eyes. I'm a pathetic piece of shit. I wish the world could just swallow me right now. I would do anything than to be in this moment right now. My list of the worst moments grows and grows. I say this moment should be number ten on my list.

"Why do you even want my fucking side of the story?" She sympathetically smiles to me taking her seat back on the bed.

"Raven, you're a wonderful person. You deserve to say your side."

"I'm not wonderful, okay?! I fucking cheated on Brian after one argument!" I bury my head in my hands. I squeeze my face to avoid another pathetic sob. I feel her lightly rubbing my back. I wait for my breathing to finally steady to speak again.

"What argument?" The silence grows thick. I remove my hands and look at her. She gives me a soft smile followed by a reassuring hand squeeze. If only she was Brian, his hand squeezes always worked. If only Brian was here. I wouldn't be surprised if repulsed by the sight of my appearance. I wouldn't be surprised if he had divorce papers waiting patiently for me right now. Mom was right, celebrity marriages don't last.

"He called me when I was on tour, or I called him, it's all a blur. He was saying he was taking care of Seth then he was wondering what it would be like if we had a baby." My breathing hitches. The familiar flop of my stomach when the thoughts of children appear. I clutch my stomach in hopes to cease the thoughts. "I got pissed, cried, and yelled at him. I yelled that I was sorry I couldn't give him a child."

"It's not your fault that the baby didn't make it." Ash says quickly to me. I shake my head. In reality, it was my fault. I was the one carrying the child and I couldn't even support it.

"I hanged up after that, he never called back for days. I can't blame him, I didn't call either. The lead singer of the band I was touring with was so kind to me though. He didn't know I was married. We were great friends, we kissed at the store. Pictures were everywhere. I-I didn't know- I didn't know where my head was. I kissed back. I-I just w-want Brian back." She stares at the ground evaluating what had just slipped through my mouth. Her eyes deep in thought. Her fingers twiddle her sleeve as if she's trying to find an answer. Finally, she looks up to me. The small seconds of silence seem like centuries.

"I don't know." That is when I feel my heart drop. It couldn't end like this. It really couldn't. Everything I have built around me was collapsing all at once. Nothing is as it seems. I just wished inside I could have never met them. I wish I could've stayed at home the rest of my life. I wish I could've been a lawyer, or a graphic designer. I wish I could end everything, including me.

"I can't do this." I whisper.

"I'll talk to Brian." She leaves me, alone again. I make my way to restroom and begin to throw up. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tried of living. I lift myself up from the toilet to the mirror. My lips are chapped, my hair tangled and unwashed, I'm a mess. I don't want to be here. I want to go home. Home with mom. Home with mom and Alexander. Anything but here. I can't even stand being on the same street as Brian. All my friends know I'm a cheater, they probably hate me, possibly despise me.

"Raven?" Twiggy lets himself in.

"I'm in here." I croak out. He peeps his head in the restroom. His nose scrunches up by the stench.

"You've been throwing up a lot." He observes. I answer with a simple nod. "Do you want to go to the doctor?"

"I'm fine."

"Do you need anything, water, or food?"

"No, thank you." He disappears as well.

***

3:00 AM shines on my clock. I slip on a hoodie and boots. I quietly make my way outside the house. The dry air clears my mind and for once, my head wasn't pounding. I walk along the sidewalk to the local playground. I climb up the rusty, green stairs to the tallest platform. I take a deep breath and stare out into the stars. It may have been minutes, hours of standing there. The sun slowly rises through the ground in an orangey mist.

No thoughts were really in my mind. No buzzing. No screaming. Just pure nothing in my mind.

I walk to the corner store to finally put myself in action. The greeting of the store clerk fades off into the air. My arms feel heavy as I grab the first pain killers bottle I find. My legs slowly take me to the counter. Everything seemed to be going in a supersonic timing. I couldn't quite process what is even happening or who I am. I shove myself out the store and back to the playground. Back to the tallest platform. Instead of standing, I sit. My body ignores the awfully cold platform that stings my legs. I didn't mind. I didn't mind anything. Breathing seem to be a hard task.

Was it really my fault that the baby didn't make it? Was it really? I've caused so much. Mom and dad wouldn't be proud. And I'm completely positive that Alexander would hate me. Brian hates me, that one was a solid fact. Why did I have to do that? And that was many things.

I take in the pills into my system.

That is so many things. Maybe if I just stayed working at that poorly constructed department store. That seemed ages ago. Feeling like myself felt ages ago. Myself. I wasn't even sure who that was. I'm not confused, I'm just not me. I'm not me.

I'm not me.

I close my eyes and it seems impossible to wake up.

I'm not me.