Set Fire To The Rain

Mr. Self-Destruct

Noe

I woke up alone for the sixth day in a row.

The work outfit Cassie had set out for herself on the bed was gone, and her purse and keys were missing.

The only evidence that she had been in that apartment that morning being the fleeting scent of her perfume in our bathroom.

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, and checked my watch lying on the bedside table.

For the 6th day in a row, it was still all I found there when I rolled over in bed.

No 'Good morning, my pita' (aka My Pain In The Ass) or any 'I love you, see you after work, schmoop' notes from her.

That wasn't a surprise, considering she'd hardly said a word to me since that last night we spent in bed together, and I told her the truth about Alyson.

Still, even if I didn't expect her morning kisses anymore before she left for work, it cut me deep.

This was the last place in our relationship that I wanted us to be, and I didn't know how much longer I could go waking up in bed without her.

I missed her.

And by day 6, I was going crazy thinking what I'd do to get her back.

I had to find a way to fix this....if there was still any way she'd let me fix it.

But it wouldn't be an easy fix.

All the other stuff she'd asked me for--trips to Yosemite, paint supply errands, back massages, trash duty, lovemaking slowly--those things had been easy to give her.

But throw in this one thing I couldn't give her, and it took precedence over a whole year of being a good husband.

Because of my chronic childlessness, everything else I had done to make her happy was now pushed aside, overlooked, condemned, torched.

I needed to give her a baby.

If that's what I promised her, I'd be damned not to keep it.

It was impossible.

I knew I couldn't accomplish that with her physically, but I had to find a way to make it work somehow.

My best bet was to get the operation reversed, but there was no guarantee it would work post 14 years.

My hope hung by a very slim chance, but I convinced myself if I found the right doctor and the right insurance at the right time, I could pull it off.

Yet, as pressing as my reproductive debility was, it still wasn't as demanding as the other mess I'd created for myself.

My ex-wife was still staying at my old place, and it was only a matter of time before I had to explain that to Cassidy too.

I hadn't come up with the 'right' time to tell her.

She wouldn't even give me a chance to interact with her, period.

Every time I got caught in the same room with her, rapping out to a Jay Z album as I picked up around the house for her, she'd act like she was in a hurry to get somewhere else.

Each time I came in from work, she was walking out, and when I walked out, she always seemed to find the perfect time to walk in.

To share an apartment together with just under 900 square feet of closed space, she was a mastermind at avoiding me.

Sometimes, we'd get caught in this tug-of-war game, where we'd try to walk by the other at the same time going out the door, but kept picking the same direction to walk in and bumping into each other.