My fault | Bucky Barnes FF

007. Repeat

The next morning I found out they had frozen B.
They didn't need him since he didn't have another mission coming up, and since all we had to do at the moment was train and study, I thought I'd pay him a visit.

At times I asked myself why I was allowed to do that, after all the relationship between soldier and angel should be based on killing.

Angels, that's what we were called.

They had explained to us that our operation was called that because we all looked like angels.

My question was still swirling around in my head. Without this one 'confidant' I certainly wouldn't have had the opportunity to visit him.

I stood in front of the steel door with my arms crossed and looked at the frozen one.
Two guards stood behind me, watching everything I did.
But all I did was stand there and look at him.

Then I started talking.
"You know, I actually wanted to come here earlier and tell you a little... but it's more complicated than I thought."

I leaned against the wall.
One of the soldiers started to laugh a little.
"Hey, what are you laughing about?"
I hissed.
"He can't hear you."
he answers amused.

I rolled my eyes and looked in front of me again, at the brown-haired man.
"Do you know?"

I asked, raising my left eyebrow.

Then I just started talking to B again.
"I did a little training...reading. The usual. Do you know what I'm wondering? What are you dreaming about all the time?"

I blew a strand of hair out of my face and breathed in heavily.

The two next to me started laughing. They thought I was crazy.
I took my breath away for a moment.
"Hey girl, what's your name?"

Then an idea came to me. If I couldn't decide my future, then I could at least decide my identity.

"Theodora."
I replied. Theodora, as I learned in history class, was a prostitute who over time became a powerful queen.

I didn't know anything else, and I didn't have to, because we had a lot in common...

If she could be more than a woman offering sex, then I can too.

That gave me a little spark of hope.
I briefly looked at B in the steel chamber and breathed against it briefly.
"I'll be back soon, B."

"Hey, little one. Why do you call him B?"
The soldier's tone was cold and serious.
But I just turned around, folded my hands behind my back, and answered;

"Well, B is short for best partner alive."
I knew that was a shitty answer and that it was crazy.
But if I wanted to keep the men away from me, I had to pretend I was. Crazy.

"Bye bye, see you soon!"
I shouted before closing the steel door behind me.

After that I trained.
I completely lost track of time. Since I was trapped here, I no longer had any sense of time.
The last time I saw the sun was when I was on a mission with Bucky.

I just stepped on a sack-like thing, the covering of which felt like skin. And I didn't want to know which skin. I closed my eyes to the fact that I didn't want to know.

I'm no better than any soldier here. The inner voice inside me spoke as I continued to kick the bag.
Not better, not better, not better, not better, not better, not better...!

The images of the dead scientists at Chernobyl came before my eyes.
How they lay there, looking at me with their dead eyes. And it was my fault.
Nobody else. I.
But then why didn't I feel any real remorse?