LILY WHITE

THIRTEEN

LILLIE

Tommy is kissing me. So deeply, so passionately, he's kissing me. It's soothing, timid, he's gentle with me. I don't know what a kiss should feel like, I've never had that level of connection with someone, but it feels unreal with Tommy.

It feels right to be with him.

My song was about Tommy. It's true, everything I said. I will miss him, I confide in him, find comfort underneath him. I will miss his sunset smiles and the moonlight in his cheeks and teeth. I will think of him when my toes feel the same sand that we grew to know each other in.

I will remember him in every cigarette, on my roof I will feel his presence again and in my memory he will linger in forever. I can't deny it anymore.

I also can't let it be.

I made a promise and I will not break it.
Yes, I will miss him, but I can't let that pass. I can't hurt myself. I don't believe in love, I've established that a long time ago. Love is a fake thing, something materialistic. It is possible, but not achievable, and those are Tommys words. He can not believe in love either.

If there is love between us, it is not achievable, and we can not grasp or have it for ourselves. We will never taste the fruit of what we feel, because it's not reality. We can not live in this delirium, we can not lie to ourselves and say this will ever work.

I am better alone and it's always been that way, it will always be. I will not be surprised if I die alone, or if I marry for my parents sake.

I am not a people pleaser, but I can not force away something I can't control. I know that one day my parents will force me into a marriage for the sake of their images. They can not be seen with a daughter who does not care for love, even if that love is forged by a marriage certificate and faulty wedding pictures. I've come to terms with my fate, and even with another name, I will continue to live for myself, because love is not something I believe in.

Tommy makes my palms sweat and my heart race. My eyes close while we kiss. For a while I am in a trance, because I enjoy it. I love how it feels to be kissed.

It feels like the abyss in me has been filled, like the empty hole has been stuffed with something sublime and supernal. I feel my head start spinning as I feel Tommy all over me. He's in my hair, my face, my mouth. He escapes all over my body and I can feel him everywhere. He is inside of me and he fills my bones and my organs and makes them dance.

I can't give my body false hope of something like love.
I break the kiss and look at him like I'm terrified, because I am. I'm so scared because I loved kissing him. I longed for that human connection, I can't think of anyone else to partake of it with than Tommy. It scares me that for a minute, I had hope of something greater again.

I don't sabotage myself by breaking the kiss, I protect myself. I feel like crying and ripping myself to shreds when he slowly escapes me again. When I feel my bones stop dancing inside me, when I feel his hands come off my body and his expression change when he sees mine. It breaks me.

This is why I should have never let myself get so close to him, why I should've never let him kiss me. How could I be so stupid?

I knew what this would do to me. I knew It would only hurt me and burn me to a crisp. I can feel it creeping in, the despair, the regret, the worry. I feel it come out of every one of my nerves, every atom of me is covered in grief.

I feel the tears escape my eyes and land on my shirt, making the fabric polka dotted with the salty water that comes out of my tear ducts. I can almost grab the air, it is so dense with this new tension and Tommy's worry. It pains me to see him so petrified.